Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

I’m sorry we didn’t update sooner my sweeties, but today has been such a day of turmoil. I’ll try to remember everything right so you know what’s been happening.

First off, last night was rough, the Lasix was not lasting long at all and Mamma was out of her mind with making her own decision to give more and more often. she got a message from the Dora Bunnies and she was saying I can have lasix way more often and to not be so afraid of increasing the dose, she also told Mamma about a heart medicine that works well with the lasix, so Mamma was torn up inside in trying to decide if this is what she needed to do for me or just let me go. So she sent all this info and an update via email to Dr Dave and he got back to her late at night saying to go for it. so I was started on a higher dose of Lasix at bedtime.

When morning came around I was much weaker and I could no longer sit up on my own without fallin over. Mamma gave me more Lasix and although my breathing became easier I was still so weak. Finally she decided she could no longer continue like this and called to take me in to have that special acupuncture done that will help me cross over. She cried when she wrote an email to Dr Dave telling him to forget about the med. Mamma held me on her chest and just cried, so I kissed each tear trying to tell her it would be OK, that I could still hold on longer. Steadily through the afternoon I mustered more strength. Mamma hadn’t fed me she wanted our last day to be relaxed and not stress me with the syringe, but I ate the bouquet she brought me from the garden, and I smooched her more and more trying to tell her what her heart was to broken to hear. I lay in her arms all afternoon and cooed and smooched her to try and ease her pain and to let her know I was still here! I know her insides were being wrenched out I could feel her pain and I understand her fear, but I’m not scared, I know I am surrounded in love.

We got to the Dr Deb’s at four thirty, I wore my new flower/bow from BooBoo, I still need to feel pretty even though I’m dying you know. Its always important to look your best. So even in the waiting room I nibbled some salad and squirmed enough to let Mamma know I wanted her to hold me so she did. Then Mamma let is all fall out of her mouth to Dr Deb and she told her how I was still rallying and how she just couldn’t go through with it and what about trying the new heart med. She said she knows we can’t win the war, but only a three or four days, just enough time for Daddy to get home to us.  So Dr Deb put in some needles to help me feel bit better but nothing that would move too much chi, then she cupped my head in her hands and opened her mind and Mamma watched very quietly. Deb held my face for the longest time then she sensed I was very foggy, groogy and very tired, Mamma says its the Tramadol doing that and Deb agreed it would, so then she imagined herself blowing away the fog from my mind so I could see and think clear again but I suddenly became overwhelmed with the pain again so I squirmed and cried a bit and started to grind my teeth, it was my way to tell her “no I need the Tramado”l, the sleepiness is OK as long as I don’t have to be in that pain. Then she let it go and she moved her hands to my heart and held them there for a while and opened her mind again, this time I told her goodbye. Dr Deb told Mamma what she sensed and she started to cry when she told Mamma I had told her good bye. It took her a while to compose herself enough to talk again and she started to get together some more things to help me. She told Mamma I am one special little bunny and that she really thought I was hanging on for her. It was then Mamma realized I was hanging on for Daddy! When he left to go to work last I didn’t kiss him when he asked me, I was feelin too terrible with the pain and he said it was OK, he’d get his kiss when he got back, well I got to give him that kiss, I can’t leave without letting him know how much I love him, and… well I can’t leave them each alone, who will look after them if I go and they are apart? They will need eachother when I’m gone. Daddy says I will always be a part of his soul and I know its that way with Mamma too, but I know they will struggle to learn to live a new life without me there.

So I got some heart herbs to help and some Potasium as well and before it was time to go Dr Deb held me close to her chest and said good bye and I smooched her to say how grateful I am for how she has cared for me, and she cried again but I know she was struggling not to. Mamma told them about the song Wembley’s dad did for me and they all watched the video. When it was time to leave Dr Deb stroked me on the head and said see you around and I uttered my “Woop Hoo” just to let her know it was not good bye.

Now this is the stinky part, seems it was so late in the day, the other vet  can’t get my heart med until tomorrow, it has to come from a special pharmacy and it has to be compounded for my dose! Cwap, got to get through tonight without, but I am determined so I will and Mamma will help me.

I know Daddy is releived I’m gonna stay til he gets home, I know he told Mamma it was OK to let me go and for me to let them go, but I can’t, not without saying my goodbye, so I will lay on Mamma’s chest and smooch her while we wait, that’s the only thing really giving me the strength to stay. Love is stronger than any medicine and I couldn’t have done any of this with medicine alone. Its always been Mamma and Daddy’s love, but also all the love all of you have poured into us, Thank you for standing by us and supporting us through the last year, even just being witness is a support because we still feel the love you have in your hearts. I have always hoped I have taught Mamma that everything life should be sacred, even dying. Its in that lesson that the beautiful gift of love was given to both of us through out my terrible struggle with illness. It wasn’t all bad, for every second of suffering also brought a hundred of joy and love. And all the bad stuff made the good stuff so much more treasured.  I love you all my sweeties, everyone of you have helped make this journey one to honored and well FUN!! Its been so fun sharing the photos and my stories, stories are not much fun if no one listens to them. I know you’ll all take care of my Mamma for me but I’m still gonna hang in there as long as I can, I know Mamma understands now and will do all she can. xox T

Oh my Goodness how can I forget?? I want to thank the Angel that sent us Nomies!! Thank you so much who ever you are, it really means alot for us. ((smooches my sweet)) And I want to thank Bambi and her family as they have given me the most awesome of gifts! They have decidicated and named a real life star up in the sky after me!!! Oh my goodness now if we can only find it in the sky, then mamma and Daddy will always have something to gaze upon when they are missing me. I’ll get mamma to put a picture of the certificate in my album later when she can. Thank you so much Sweeties it really touched Mamma’s heart to deeply xox T

Mamma here~ I don’t have too much to add to what Trinket has shared, other than to say I am in constant wonder at her understanding and her will to do as she sees fit. Right after the phone call she did everything she could to show me she was still worth fighting for, that I had to put aside my fear and my guilt and help her live our her journey. Mine is to be witness to hers and to assist as well as love her along the way. It will be over when she is ready. Each day is a miracle and I am so blessed to be apart of it, its a tremedous gift I have been given to be the care giver of such an extrodinary being.

When I told her Daddy what I needed to do, or what I thought I needed to do, he did support me in it, but even then he stil couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye ot her either.Its kind of hard to say good bye to your soul bun over the phone.

I have been so amazed at the love that has come forth from the furthest of places and the unlikliest of people. Dr Deb is a good example. She is strong person, not usually one for emotional connections with her clients. i know she cares deeply or she wouldn’t be able to do holistic care, but she is a Dog person. A person who has seen rabbits as lunch meat for her dogs, LOL I know its bizzare and now her soul has been touched by a wee little bun so small and trival in the bigger scheme of things, but she SAW her as many of you do. I live with Trinket so naturally I see her spirit, it does and always will amaze how all of you do as well. I know her pictures say a 100 words often and there is a light in eyes and her expression, but i just wish for you all to know the feeling in you heart when you hold such a soul to your chest and open yourself to thier wonder and their spirit. To hear their meaning in thier jestures and their sighs and know thier loyalty. I surrendered my mind and judgment in trade for the love of the most divine little creature. I guess letting go of that will hurt like hell, but I won’t hesitate a minute to do it again. She has become my Soul Bun.

She is resting now, I’ve fed her supper and she’s had all her meds, hopefully the night will go quickly and she’ll be bit stronger tomorrow. This is going to take as long as it takes I am just so grateful I am able to be here for her 100%. I couldn’t imagine having to work and take care of family or kids as well as doing this. I guess that’s been my blessing for her. She is most at peace laying on my chest so I trying to give her as much time there as possible. I’ve probably forgotton something I wanted to say, but then I am out of my mind right now so please forgive me. Thank you so much for all the comments and messages, they really do help so much. I am sorry I am unable to answer them right now, T is my biggest priority and too much time on the computer is too hard, but being able to read and share these words of comfort has been such a help to my heart trying to hold strong for her, Thank YOU xox Laura

Hello my furiends,

I’m still here this morning. The night seemed like forever but Mamma stayed up with me til 4am and then she only slept for 15 or 20 minutes at a time inbetween cuddles and smooches. I thought for a while I just might have gone on to the bridge last night I could feel everything going in to slow motion and feeling really distant from everything, but then suddenly snap! I was here again so I quickly give mamma a bunch of smooches so she knew I’m still here. I’m really really tired, the Tramadol is great for no pain, but its making me very sleepy and its hard, I wish to be more awake, but I prefer not to have the pain. The doctor told Mamma to have me exercise a little bit and so last night mamma put me on the floor so I could scoot around for a bit. My front legs made thier usual hoppy motions, but I couldn’t budge an inch, I’m right out of steam So me and Mamma have to settle for cuddles and massage to keep my body stimulated a wee bit.  I think its gonna be soon that I’ll leave, gee I hope Daddy can drive fast. xox T

Mamma here~ Well the Lasix seems to helping her breath easier. I had to give her a full dose before bed, it seems to me its not quite getting her the 12 hours. Today I am going to try and hold off on the Tramadol and see if I can manage her with just the metacam so she is not as groogy, but if worst comes I will give it to her.

Last night I held her on my arm and shoulder and at times I could feel her heart beating slower and slower, pounding in my arm and I could feel my heart trying to match her rhythm, it brought me physical pain just sharing it with her. a few times I thought she’d just slip away and I prayed for it, but she’s suddenly wind up again and come back to life and cover me in kisses. Same thing at night in bed, I held her as close as I could and there were long moments where I could not hear her breath and I craddled her chest in my hand and I could not feel her pulse it was so weak and again I thought she is finally letting go. I’d wait holding my own breath for a a few seconds and whisper her name and she’d suddenly breath again. This time there has been no panic or anxiety in her. She is calm and relaxed. I keep telling her about how all the pain will vanish and I talk to her about old stories she shared and how I remember her before she was sick.

I am still feeding her, I did last night and I’m halfway through this morning. I don’t know why, I guess I just don’t want to add stasis to her final time here and I hope it will keep her tummy from hurting from the meds. I’m going really slow and if she becomes too fussy I stop entirely. I don’t want to stress her but to keep her doing the things that are normal for her as possible. Its got to be soon though I don’t understand her strength, but she is still holding on to this life. Maybe she is waiting for her Daddy, I told her it was OK, that he would be OK and he was with her in spirit and that she didn’t have to wait for him. But she has alway been the boss of us and she’ll do it how she wants to do it and I’ll continue to do everything I can to help her do just that.

I really don’t know what else to say right now, she is hanging on, but she seems relaxed and not frightened. I’m freakily calm as well and still have not cried. Each time she looks up at me and kisses me I want her to see a face filled with the joy of having loved her all this time, not a face filled with pain. Its one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. In the past I’d have taken a animal and had them PTS at this point for sure, this is the first time I am attempting a natural passing as I think we have the suffering under control, its waiting from here on in, if it gets scary and out hand I will take her Dr Deb but for right now I’m just waiting with her. That decision could change at any moment, I am taking it moment to moment literally.

She nibbled a bit of cilantro this morning and I brought her a beautiful bouquet from the garden all her favorites, she hasn’t touched it yet, but I hope she will at some point.

It had been six months of hell with my pet bunny Trinket battling E.Cuniculi, two episodes of head tilt that took over a month to recover from, a reoccuring bladder infection that spread and caused serious kidney damange, four two week episodes of not eating and having to be syringe fed due to drug reactions, but then rebounding  between each episode all while undergoing acupunture treatment to help her regain her own mobility with escelating hind end weakness that would bring on temporary hind end paralysis. And with a few close brushes with death, I was sure I had little time left with my sweet little “heart bun”. During this time the bond between myself and this sweet, strong little bun had become so deep and I just wasn’t ready to let her go and feared eveyday that it might finally be the time I couldn’t save her.

Even through all this Trinket remained willful, communicative, expressive and ever more loving with every day. It would be nothing for her to stay snuggled in my arms for hours on end smooching my face and neck.

Over the recent months I had read a few book on the subject of animal communication and was thoroughly intrigued. So after a few weeks of deep thought I decided to go ahead with a reading for Trinket with an Animal Communicator Sheila Trecartin after friend of mine and Reiki Master recommended her. My main concerns were centered around when and if to euthanize Trinket and  if she understood what was happening to her and was ready to go. I suppose I feared hanging on too tightly to her would cause more harm.

Being very intuitive myself I already felt that I had connected with Trinket on a deeper level and understood her feelings and some of her thoughts, but I sought a second opinion that would be emotionally detached from the situation. Sheila came highly recommended after being able to locate my friend’s cat that had been missing for several weeks by using animal communication.

The reading was done by me sending her a photo via email to her along with Trinket’s name and my questions. My questions were mostly asking if Trinket understood her illness and if she had any information for the vet to help her. I also asked about when it would be her time to pass and how it would unfold. I did mention to Sheila that Trinket has been ill for several months and that she was having issues with a sensitivity to her medication. That was all the revealed in my email to her. Below is the reading I received back from her. I have copied word for word as Trinket relayed her thoughts to her. My comments are added in blue

Trinket Reading Aug. 18, 2008  The following is my direct communication with Trinket. Please keep in mind that this is her perception of how she views things.  

~Trinket says to tell you that she feels she is the luckiest rabbit in the entire world!  All I can say is I bawled when I read this.

~She says she simply could not possibly want for anything as she has it all/you provide all she needs.  

~She sends you love and gratitude.  Trinket is extremely affectionate, it a more unusal trait in rabbits, but it wasn’t always so. It was only since she became ill that her smooching and snuggling began.

~She says she has pressed on in life for you. She says if it was not for you she would have given up/packed it in a long time ago. She says you are her guiding light, her strength.  I wondered exactly this if I was prolonging her life but I feared if it was a mistake. My vet agreed with me that the love and will in T was still a sign she desired to live.

~She talks about irritation in the throat. She says sometimes the inside of her throat feels raw and that is when she does not want to eat.  I later realized when she was going off her food and I had to syringe feed her, I was mixing her Crital Care too thick and I wonder now it was to hard for her to swallow. She seems to like it better on the runny side and it goes down alot easier.

~She says she is an “only” bunny and prefers it that way. She feels she is superior to the intellect of most other rabbits. She then says she also has a bit of a fear of what other rabbits will do. She says she likes her people, thank you!  T was bitten the first day she came to us and since then she will seek out any bun no matter the size and attack. She is two pounds and will outfight a six pound fatty!! We already gave up years ago at ever bonding her to another rabbit.

 ~She says “3 ago” (I believe she means years?) she felt she had a close call/ a near death experience so to speak. She says she feels you saved her. She wants you to know that changed her level of love for you. She trusts you and believes you will do anything for her.  Yes she did, it was three months prior. After a month of head tilt and living on her side and being fed crital care off a spoon she took a downward spiral when she refused to eat and became extremely weak, I was convinced I would loose her, but we persuvered and she pulled through. I had refused to let her go and kept syring feeding every few hours just small amounts to keep her going.

~She says she does not feel her heart as very strong. She talks about pain that radiates from the center of her chest outward. She says she does not know what is wrong with her but realizes it is serious as she feels your worry.  She is recieving Holistic Vet care with Chinese herbs, acupunture and chirpractic along with her traditional treatment. Her holistic vet is treating her kidney and spleen, but it seems that at this time she had limited Chi moving through her system. Her life force was weak and this showed in her pulse even. Athough her heart is fine, her overall life force has been weak. I had been overwhelmed with worry about her life force giving out on her. After months of weekly treatments she is doing really well now as of Feb /09 she is fianlly stable although still has to be watched for bladder infecitons and now her calcium levels. In the fall after this reading she also came down with pnuemonia which nearly took her out.

~She says she is very curious and loves to know about what people are doing and why. She asks that you sometimes take time out to dictate to her on what is going on and why.  I’ve always beleived the buns were senstive to this. They need to know why we are going out and when we’ll be home. They like their routine so now I explain anything new to all of them.

 ~She says she would like cheese to eat. I m not sure if this is rally cheese but she shows a soft round like orange treat and she calls it cheese. LOL, this is a yorgurt treat that is a little drop. Years ago I used to give all the buns pink ones that were berry flavor. I went out and got more but she wouldn’t eat them until I got the orange Carrot flavored ones. One day I put out a pink one, a white one and orange one and I asked her ” show me the cheese!” She went for the orange one!! She loves cracker so we joke now she is having her crackers and cheese!

 ~She shows that sometimes she just sits and stares at the wall for long periods of time. She says she is just taking time out and trying to not feel any outside stimuli. Sort of a version of meditation for her. OMG, she totally does this, I had worried about it but now I do feel better about this

 ~She talks about seeing horses somewhere. She feels you would have a strong natural connection with them.  There are horses at several farms along our drive to work. I had a pony and my parents had horses when I was a kid, but i have no desire to have them now, other than I do fantasize about having a miniture pony.

~She says she likes purples and greens and soft yellow.  WE have focused on these colors for her with her bedding and clothes!! LOL yes we dress her us, she loves a cute Tshirt!!

~She asks for a stick shaped food with things attached to it. This reminds me of a treat you would give a pet bird.  I got her this but it did not interest her.

~She says she tries to communicate to you through physical gestures and movements. She shows stomping or tapping her foot, twitching up her fur, flicking her ears and other motions. She says she has developed this to communicate to you/with you better.  T is extremly physically communicative and is easily understood by her physical gestures, even our vet has remarked on how extrodianry this is!

~She shows a green plastic bowl (this could be a request).  She didn’t have one so I got her one, but she doesn’t eat out of it, I keep her hay in it, but she won’t eat her hay either.

~She asks for a white ball to play with. This looks like a golf ball to me.  WE go her one but she has showed not interest in this.

~She says there is something green she eats that makes her feel bad.  T has had issues with too much calcium in her urine which has been a big contibutor to her urinary infecitons. We are to limit hight calcium greens and veg, but I put this back in her diet once she did finally recover from months of urinary infecitons and sludge. As of March /09 I am having to again take these things out of her diet again- Kale, parsley, spinach are all way too high calcium along with alfalfa pellets we had been feeding attemptign to keep her weight up.

~She says her dies are tender to the touch and she asks that you are very careful in how you pick her up. She suggest you scoop her under the chest and back end.  T’s legs are deformed now as a result of her hind end weakness. One leg is fused out behind her and the other is splayed out beside her like a flipper, plus she was loosing muscle mass.

~Trinket feels her name has been changed from what it was. She says Trinket isn’t her full/actual name but she likes it. She actually says she would like to be called “T”.  

~She says she feels her body system is off. She says she gets a little woozy sometimes. She wonders what can stop the dizziness?  This fianlly hit home after this reading. With this in mind I had fianlly been able to reconize a dizzy spell which in E.Cuniculi bunnies is a precursor to seizures. She has responded well to an herbal treatment that she took for months.

~She says please don’t allow smoke near her.  I used to burn incense at my store where she was the offical hostess.

~She shows an older pick up truck and says to watch it as it isn’t safe. She says something is wrong with near the wheels or the bar that goes across and connects the wheels. I  think it is the back she is referring to.  My husbands truck is an old pick up truck totally in need of a major overhaul, like brakes, tires and suspension work. I won’t ride in it if I can help it.

~She shows a man with a beard that she really likes to be with /interact with she says to send him love.   My husband has a beard

~Trinket says you are very thorough with things  but you try to do everything at once. She says prioritize and make a list to help you. She laughs and says sometimes it’s funny to watch you move all over the place but she doesn’t feel it’s productive for you.  This so describes me, its beyond funny. I’ll often forget what I was doing because I started anohter project halfway through. I guess you could say I’m a multitasker that is out of control! LOL

~For some reason she feels you and Dave should go fishing.  We cannot figure this one out and haven’t yet followed this advice.

~She speaks of a younger dark haired girl. She says this girl is very sensitive and quite insecure. Trinket says fear stops this girl from doing a lot of things. She says to send this girl love and help her to see she is pretty and can do anything she wants /would like. Trinket says this girl needs your guidance. I have a couple of female freinds say they wondered if they were this girl, so??

 ~She feels you should work with animals in some way but she cautions you to remember to allow them to be who they need to be. By this she means….. you will feel like you need to rescue them but not all need to be or want to  be rescued. She says just doing what you need to and are supposed to is enough.  I have my Masters Level in Reiki and have decided to work mostly with animals, I am also taking a course in Animal Communication myself. I do have issues with staying emotionally detached. I seem to feel the need to save them all.

 ~She warns her dad “Dave about laying back and eating. she says this will cause health issues down the road and is harmful to his digestion. She suggest he sit up straight and pay attention to what is in his mouth as he chews. She says outside distractions are not good either. She also suggests magnetic therapy for his hands. This helps with pain and discomfort.  OMG, I nearly had a stroke when I read this. This is exactly what he does. He lays back staring at the TV and shovels mindlessly, it can be scary some days.

~She says she loves when you all lay in bed together. She enjoys big fluffy blankets and pretends they are hills and caves. She says this is entertaining. She had played on the bed as a little baby but since this reading we bring her up to bed to snuggle under the covers. She’ll rest with her head in our necks resting on the pillow.

 ~She talks about a black and white rabbit that she was fond of. She says she misses him.  Her big sister (house mate) Minnie was black and white and T was obcessed with her, but because Minnie bit T when she first came to live here, she will not bond with any rabbit.

~She wonders what we can do to stop/control her dizziness?  WE got her the herbal treatment!

~She shows a medal container that looks like an old mild can. She say she likes the reflections off of this.  WE have an antique milk can that sits on the floor, but really don’t know what this is about.

~She says it is not her time to go just yet. She feels she will perk up and have a god spurt for a bit. She says if she did have to leave she feels it would be okay. She says your love has been all she needed/wanted this time around. Trinket is still with us now in March of /09 after another two close calls with death, she just keeps recovering even when the vet thought it was doubtful. She truly is a miracle bunny. She uses a cart now and can still drag herself around with her front paws. She truly has been an inspriation and I still don’t know how I’ll ever be able to say good bye when that time comes.