Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

Animal Communication

This is a communication I got for Trinket. I have just copied word for word.

 Trinket Sept. 12, 2009

 ~Trinket says she wants you to know that she loves you with all of every fiber of her being. She says she would not have left you if it were not necessary and hopes you will understand that she had to move forward on her journey..as hard as that was. She says she held on for two weeks longer then she should have and was hoping this extra time would help to console you and prepare you.

 ~She says she was very fearful before she passed and her heart was racing…everything was very overwhelming for her.

 ~She says she can’t imagine how she would live without you if she were still living and you had passed so she understands how you must feel now because she is gone.

 ~She says you are needed here (on earth) to take care of the others. She says their are many other rabbits and animals that require your assistance and love. She says you really should have a sanctuary for ill or hurt bunnies.

 ~She shows a mother bunny  with babies and says they need you. She feels this opportunity has or will come to you soon and she asks that you assist them to the best of your ability. She says no one else feels and knows and understands or cares how the rabbits feel like you do. She says you are like the rabbit guardian on earth! She hopes you see how important it is for you to continue to help as that is your destiny.

 ~She says she came to teach you and to learn from you but mainly to show you how amazing you are and how your determination and love can help another being so greatly. She says she stands in awe of your love.

 ~She says the name “Peter”. She says you must check with him and be aware of him to see how he is doing. He needs your attention.

 ~She says she loved the grass and the smell of the outdoors and she misses this greatly. She also shows something creamy and white or off white that she misses. This looks like food/drink.

 ~She says thank you for holding her so much and kissing and loving her. She says you always comforted her.

 ~She shows a pink lead or something long and pink. She says this you should keep in her honour and all the other things should be given to those who need it.

 ~She says sometimes at night she comes to lay on your chest..to visit you and let you know she is okay. She says she sends her sent to you and hopes you can smell her and will understand that she is there with you.

 ~She shows a young girl that holds sorrow in her heart but keeps it help in. She says you must work with this girl to help her to let go of her emotion…let it out or she will become ill. Trinket seems very worried over this. She says to send her love and tell this girl that she is beautiful and glorious and important.

 ~She shows a grey and white bunny that is around you or coming to  you. She says he (feels male or holds masculine energy) will test your boundaries and will but this is more learning for you. She says his teaching will help you in the future. You need to know this so that it will be easier for you to deal with.

 ~She talks about a barking dog and says rabbits really do not like that sound. It is very irritating. (funny…as I write this my dog is outside and has not stopped barking the whole time I have been talking with her!).

 ~She shows discomfort (burning) in her sinus and in her eyes. She says this was very uncomfortable for her.

~She shows a picture or a remembrance of you holding her to your chest and smiling brightly. She says that is her favorite memory of you. She says your smile is very warming.

 ~She says you mustn’t get lost in the sorrow..there is too much for you still to do. She says she would be disappointed if you gave up now as she worked hard to set the ground work in you/for you for what is to come. She says she has every faith in you that you will move forward in love and honour her memory by helping others. She says it would be nice to call your home “Trinkets Place -- A Home For Wayward (or weary) Souls”. She says you don’t have to but the idea makes her smile and feel important and also forever a part of what you do/will do.

She says, with that she leaves you for now, in love. She says you will meet again but she needs to rest now.

 Thank you,

Sheila

   animal communicator    www.sheilatrecartin.com  

Laura here~ I read this over and over and I there is only one thing that does not make sense now and that is the pink lead. There hasn’t ever been anything like that. I look through her things and the only pink i can think of would be her shirts, but it doesn’t seem like this is it.

After mourning over a month now, I feel releif hearing from her. At first I wanted her to come back to me so badly, but I’ve come to feel differently. I wouldn’t wnat her to come back and risk safety and heath to find me again, I just don’t want more suffering for her. And I’ve come to realize too that when she was well, before she ever got sick, she was a different little spirit, her illness forged a new personality and spirit for her. To have just a buny again I would always feel there is something lacking. Sadly the only way to know such an expression of bunny spirit is through the helping of a sick one. That terrifies me to even just say that, its such a double edged sword. The cost of time and money and heart ache when a bun gets as sick as she was is extraordinary and many things had ot be given up in our lives to care for three in a row like that, I just don’t know if I could do that again.  I know we can’t stay in this house forever, we really need to find someway our of here to something more permanent and stable. I hope that can come soon, but until then I really need to just keep on my mission of waiting and helping the 6 furkids I got now and then we’ll see. It was always my wish to have many rabbits, but with many its hard to really have that closeness too. I was lucky I got that opportunity with T. Its a lot to carry on with after her, but this place in my heart always will be “Trinket’s Place” maybe someday that dream can be real. xo Laura

This is a bit of video clip I found of Trinket when she was about three years old. I can hardly reconize her and I can’t really hold this image of her in my mind. She’ll always be in my mind as she was earlier this spring, even when her disability and her little body deforming, she was the most beautiful. ;-(

This is from my bunspace blog

Well its been a month today since Trinket passed, and what a journey that has been for me. I’ve never been much of a crier, as I usually experience more pain and crying leading up to the time to euthanize and then right after. I usually embrace the releif after that and find a way to carry on with only a feeling of saddness, but its manageable and tidy. Well Trinket was indeed special and this time around I worked so hard at not crying that much before because I wanted to be brave for her, so of course its been quite the blow after, messy at times even. I think the two and three week point was the worst for me, somehow every time I even spoke of her or read through comments I would cry and cry. Getting through the condolence messages was quite emotional for me and I can say I finally understand why some people choose the memorial profile, not that I would ever choose that for myself, I just understand it more now. I found I could only answer a handful of comments for a day or so then I’d need to take a break, the pain seemed to well up more and more with every note I had to type. But I realize I am not grieving for her alone, I felt I still needed to be present to share my tears with yours as well and to try and find my way so that maybe we all could find our way together.

My bond with her was so deep, I often felt the two of us made anohter being entirely. I always knew how she felt and a basic understanding of her thoughts and what she wanted, but I think it was that language of love that was so strong, its hard to find words to express what it is. I thought I had experienced pure unconditional love before and I have, its just this was something even beyond that. Maybe we all get to have that at some point in our life with animals, I’m not sure, part of me thinks it was something unique and extraordinary a special gift given to me by her. I always felt certain she was an old soul, a divine being in a little bunny body, it became more and more evident to me as her body withered and deformed as she became more and more frail her spirit became so glorious and big. She filled a world not just my heart. I still cry when I think of just how much she endured and she did it with perfect acceptance and love.

So the biggest challenge now is to redefine who I am. Like I said, the two of us made this entirely different being, so who am now that she is gone? I feel her abscence profoundly, inside my deeptest thoughts where we were together is now a hollowness and is filled only with my own internal babble. That kind of loniliness is hard to bear. I think my sanity is intact although some may question it, I know hubby does some days. I think I can only equate this whole experience with Trinket as some kind of spiritual event. I know I will never be the same the person I was before her or even who I became with her, the scars of losing her have changed me yet again.

So I struggle with the saddness. Its been a intimate part of me for over a year. I knew even last summer, Trinket and l were living inbetween worlds, inbetween fully living and crossing that meadow toward the bridge. My entire life became more of a memory and Trinket was my entire reality, somehow suspended beyond the normal mundane world. I shared that space with her in Joy and sadness, knowing she would not last as long as I wanted her to stay. It was bittersweet seeing her hang on to her life with me, when clearly her body was failing her, but she chose her life here with us every day, over and over. It was truly gut wrenching for me. Part of me wished so much for her to just go to sleep one night and slip a way while another part of me held on like it was life itself, but i guess it was. So how do I lay aside that grieving and return to normality? Some how it feels like letting go of that miracle is like hanging over a cliff and holding on to that love one for dear life and feeling them slip more and more, my pain and tears are that last little bit of her that is still tangible, therefore real. “sigh” but I cannot survive in that inbetween place without her, I have to learn to be happy again, no matter how strange it feels. I know she would want me to BE joy as she was. One of my last memories of her are holding her close while I cried and cried and her kissing away my tears. That was my girl.

Every night I’d go to sleep praying for some kind of message or sign of her, and there has been nothing. This has been unusual for me too, but then my grief has been more profound as well. I’ve always been blessed with some kind of visitation or lucid dream of my loved ones. Dreams where i am fully aware of thier spirit coming back to say good bye and to let me know they are OK. I did finally have a dream of her a few night ago, but not what I’d call a lucid dream or a visitation, but still a profound symbol of healing, hers and mine. In the dream Dave and I were living in this shabby little apartment and we were sitting around talking about Trinket. We were discussing how the vet wanted to do a necropsy and how I couldn’t bear for them to cut her open so we still had her body and couldn’t decide what to do. The next thing I knew I saw Trinket come shuffling into the living room. she had both her legs under her and she could shuffle along using both of them. I exclaimed to Dave that there she was and he saw her too. We both sat and watched as she became stronger and more able to use her legs. she never did hop fully normal and strong but better than we had seen in over a year. At one point in the dream I did hold her on my chest and I felt quite urgent to get some mash for her as she hadn’t eaten in a few weeks, being dead and all. What an odd dream, but I see it as a message form my deeper self that she does indeed live on and that in her spirit form she is healing. Maybe that is why I have not had that mystic visitation, mabye she is not ready yet, I think deep down I’m not yet either as those visitations are usually a final good bye.

So I’ve been trying to get back to doing “normal” things this past week and it has helped me immensly. I baked up a bunch of bunny cookies and played around with some packaging and labels, so now its offical, “Tinkie’s Tasties” are available on our web blog. I even began working on some jewley projects as well that got put on hold. I still have one painting on the easle from last fall that needs to be finished and a bunny necklace that needs a clasp, but I did get some photos of recent bunny earrings I made too for my etsy. com site. The biggest thing is I am now finally getting plans in order to start a major project I have been wanting to do a few years now. AS a jewellry artist, I have been limited to some wire work and beading, but I always wanted to be able to teach myself metal smithing. Huge undertaking, cost and chore, but I discovered this stuff called silver clay. Basically you mould it like clay, it dries then you fire it in a kiln and you are left with .999 silver! I have been wanting in the worst way to make a tiny sculpture of a bunny pair (my precious B and his mate Minnie) into a tiny urn so I could put their ashes in it and be able to wear it as a pendant. Now with T gone, I feel this need even greater, I want to be able to carry just a little part of her around with me, so I have already made a little demo in clay of a wee dwarf with her heels kicked out in a full binkie. I’ve never seen Trinket binkie, she never did in life, but its how I wish her to be now in spirit, so I will make her in silver like that. So I’ve been doing the research and I have a plan, I think I have the skill to pull it off and Dave has finally had two good weeks at work, so we’ll have a good check this week coming up so its been agreed to take the plunge even with all the other bills still unpaid, I need to “make” something that will outlast her and I both, something to carry the reminder of her spirit and her life with me. I found out I can do this without the investment of a kiln and I can still acheive good results with a torch or there is a kit available that hooks up to a propane tank that makes a kind of hood so you can fire in right in that. Its a begining. Its been a long time since I’ve done any of my creative stuff, I missed it so much when I closed my store but Trinket took all of my attention so I did not mind giving it up, but i guess this is the closest thing left of myself.

I want to thank everyone of you that have been so supportive during all the months and months of Trinket getting ready to pass and to those of you I have only met since. I don’t know if I could have gone through this with the strength I did without that support and love. All those bunnies that have made tribute to Trinket by taking her name into yours, my goodness you have truly touched a very deep place in my spirit and I will never forget it. Somehow it felt like a phenomenon of love and joy for a little life so well lived. I cannot find words to describe it. It really has given me hope that somehow a part of her spirit will live on in all those that came to love her. I can only hope we all can take some of her strength and learn to live life with joy no matter what life brings us. Thank YOU.

This is from my bunspace blog

Its such a sad day today. I am still in shock about loosing sweet Cosmo and I am  so worried for darling little Bella. Its very hard sometimes when our hearts are heavy already to witness our bunspace family going through such troubling times and there is nothing we can do to make it better. I’m not so good at being powerless, I only have words to help me cope.

 I’m still having good and bad days myself, although more bad than good still. Thursday was a whopper for some reason. It seemed like listening to the radio was a bad idea when I was driving, many songs on the radio would have a phrase that made me think of Trinket and get me crying again, and you know I had to look at her videos again too. I just can’t seem to stop myself, even though its hurting so much, I can’t stop looking for her even though its just an image of her. I never thought trying to let go would be so hard when I have already been through this so many times. Even loosing my parents wasn’t like this, I was hurt but able to let them go in my mind. Trinket, I cannot let her go.

I received another wonderful little gift in Trinket’s honor on Thursday. Rocky from Switzerland and his Mom Irina have been such a comfort to me during this time. They are very new to bunspace, but we had been following eachother’s videos on youtube for a while, I’m so glad she and her buns are here now. The interesting that came with her gift was a memory for me. She sent the beautiful little purple heart she made in honor of T and she made two little cell phone bags with the same little purple heart design. The yarn had this unusual and pleasant smell that was strongly familiar. It drove me wild for a while trying to figure it out until finally it hit me. Dave and I called it the “import” smell. When we had our store in Owen Sound we brought in a lot of new age items, books, inscense, candles, crystals and such. I loved having that store, but the best part was Trinket. She came with me every day and she loved it. She had full run and would go where ever she wanted. Every morning we’d arrive and I’d have to use the Lou right off so I’d let her out of her carrier and she’d go running along the length of the store to be waiting for me at the front dest, all dancing and excitied for her morning salad. She used to sit up on her hind legs and beg, but she’d do this thing with her mouth it was so adorable, like she was making the motions of eating, trying to get the idea across to me she needed something in her adorable little yap. LOL, she would do this behind my back sometimes, burning the pyschic message into my brain until I would turn around and see her. I’d ask her what she wanted then she’d do that little mouthing thing, OMG she was just so brilliant and so adorable. So much has happened since then I had almost forgotten her like that. I wish i had photos of her then, but I only have one.

It had been a whole other life since she gotten so sick and we have been here on bunspace, I almost forgot what she was like before. This little gift gave me back those memories. So I finally posted some pics of the store and one I found of her sitting by her heater the winter we closed. I miss those days so much. She was famous even then, we’d have people come to just see her. Friends would tell freinds to stop in and see the adorable store bunny. She’s go right up to people browsing and sit at their feet looking up at them, I just know was wondering why they hadn’t noticed her yet. Then they’d look down and usually be so delighted by her. She’d always let them pat her and she’d even allow herself to be picked up. Thankfully people were polite and would ask me first, if they were bunny experienced I would allow it and so would she. She just loved to meet people. There are more pics of the little gems Rocky’s Mom sent. She made this exquisite beaded egg for Trinket, it so intricate and beautiful, one of kind just like her. She also included a lovely candle holder which I have put into the shrine I made for Trinket. I have taken her hutch and gathered all her gifts and all her things in there. I couldn’t bear to have Dave take it down and leave a huge empty place in our living room. I made it all up pretty and I bought a plant to put in there and candles too. At night I light the candles and it feels so much better as now there is life and light in it. I know its been a long time since she lived in there, but it was still her space.

So yesterday we finally brought her home. Randy’s urn arrived yesterday and Dr Dave himself loaded Trinket’s ashes into it for me. It was difficult going there to get her, but I am happy to have her where she belongs. I have her set on the little step in her hutch along with her other precious things. The urn is so tiny, a little heart I could hold in the palm of my hand. Its so strange to think such a glorious creature is reduced to that little bit of ash. I adore this little urn, it couldn’t be more perfect for her. Even the color makes me think of the night sky and the stars , the heart itself is what is truly left of her, the symbol of love we all have for her. Its so tiny and fragile looking but strong and unbreakable, just like her spirit. I have more photos to get up on her profile later this afternoon. I have to run to town again to drop Dave off to get his truck from the shop.

We had wonderful adventure with Gracie and Puds yesterday and I know Gracie will be getting to posting a blog this afternoon along with their pics. We’ve all decided we will make to Bunfest on Sunday too and I’ve decided to bring to Trinket, she wanted to so bad to make it there, I know its weird and kind of morbid, but it will be our last adventure, one we both looked to for so long, some how it seems only fitting that she make there even if its only her heart. xo Laura

This is from my bunspace blog

Well its been over a week now since Trinket left and I getting through the days, but its work. I still have periods of intense sadness and I’ll cry at nothing, but then seem to be able to get on ok for a while again. I know this is going to take time.

So I guess many of you have heard about the first adventure with Puds and Gracie that we had on Saturday. It actually didn’t go too bad considering it was their very first outting and only the second time on a harness. But Puds did have a mental break down on Sunday and it was enough to put me over the top too. I had to laugh at her running up the stairs flicking her feet at me and falling up as she went because she was so upset, she was only making it worse for herself. I swear I could hear her yelling “I hate you I hate I hate you”. Never words I thought I’d feel from any bun of mine, but it is Puds we are talking about. When she went into emotional overload on Sunday because I did not have the salad served up at precisley the first 10 seconds that they were out of bed, by the time the end of the day rolled around, I was an emotional mess. I don’t know what the heck hit me, but everything did. I feel so bad for Puds I think she might have some issues with her ability to handle her emotions. I sometimes wonder if she would be the human eqivulant to being developmentally challenged. For the most part she is a happy bun, somewhat oblivious most of the time, other when she gets angry or upset, then you better duck because something will be about to happen.

Finally around supper time, her hunger strike ended and Gracie eased into being her normal self, I really think that Gracie is one smart cookie. She knew she had to be the emotional support for Puds through it all so she only ate on the sly when Puds wasn’t around. For the most part, every time I approached them with apologies or with food they would take off but slinking back after I left to eat my offerings. Today is fianlly back to normal!! so I’ve come to this realization that they both may be feeling immense pressure by my neediness and my loneliness. I know the house feels so empty and gloomy and I know they are so sensative to the energy of us humans. I still think Gracie is up for it, I think she would appreciate being adored and doted on 24/7, but Puds likes her balance between care and neglect. It has to only be on her terms. So we may have a battle of wills as I am not yet willing to give up on her.

I couldn’t bare bringing home another bunny baby right now, its too soon and it would break my heart to think I could blow any chance of every having Trinket’s spirit back with me, so I will wait for a sign I guess, an urgency so strong that I cannot deny it then I will proceed. For now the two Hellbun are going to have to lay down their pitch forks!

Trinket will be coming home soon. I am anxiously awaiting the call. A special urn has been made for her, comissioned by Gimli’s Dad. I have finally been able to look at a picture of it and its so perfect, but I want to wait to show all you until she is in it and back at home with me. I hope having that urn here with her ashes may help me feel a bit more closure, as I am still feeling so lost. Gimli’s Dad has been such a sweet heart, a real gem too and his thoughtfulness and deep consideration has made something that will truly be perfect for such an exceptional girl. I also was informed by my vet that he had made a donation toward her outstanding vet bill. All the staff at the vet’s office already knew how deeply Trinket was loved, but I think they are quite in shock at magnitude of her reach. never have they seen such a generous communtiy of people reaching out to help a bunny and her family. I really can’t wait to see their reaction to her urn I know that just the idea of it coming all the way from California to Ontario has them in awe, wait until they see it. Its really one of kind for a one of a kind girl. Even beyond the end I have found a good friend trying to ease my stress and pain. Thank YOU.

Today I received a parcel from Trinket’s best friend Tasha and her parents. I called down the girls who were sleeping upstairs under the chair in the office, but they wanted no part of it. Too bad because there was lots of tissue paper and they love that. But anyway, getting this parcel open was like going on a journey. First in teh big box I found this beautifully wrapped present. All the colors were T’s favorite and it had pink ribbon and a big pink bow. I just sat with it for a while, I didn’t want to open it at first. Just its prettiness was enjoyment enough, but somehow I knew the contents could be hard for me to find. After a while I took off the paper and found that the box itself was gorgeous and beautiful. I knew right away where ever was inside would be preicous but also that box will be perfect for keeping her chair and her clothes in. I had mentioned to Dave I needed a hope chest to put all her things in, I want to keep them in  honorable and beautiful manner so I can open and go in a journey of remembering her. “sigh”

Finally I felt ready to go on and I lifted the lid, there on top was  large envelope so I pulled out this beautiful picture. Its Tasha under a star lit sky with little Benny and Jetty

When I read the words, I couldn’t hold it back and I sat there and cried and cried. It touched a special place in me really knowing that Trinket will go on, and her story will be told. I feel so hopeful knowing her story will go on like that light of the star, long after she is gone. Just this beautiful picture was treasure enough, but there was more. I lifted a sheet of tissue filled with all these little gems and underneath was a picture of Trinket framed in a lovely frame. When I went to lift it out, music began to play and realized it was a music box. Tears again falling quickly and my throat squeezing shut I sat speachless holding this wonderful memory of my sweet angel while softly “You are my Hero” played from within the box.

My beautiful girl surrounded in all her favorite colors and the sparkles of the night sky!! Inside the box was just as special, for in there I found this precious bunny sitting on a pillow of stars.

So I’m sad and happy all at the same time, its a strange feeling. Sharing love truly does keep us from ever being alone.

So its been an emotional few days, very strange indeed, but I know this is all part of the process. I have still been spending a lot of time sitting out on the deck late at night, sitting in the dark, burning candles looking up into the sky talking to her. I can’t seem to stop talking to her. I never realized how much I talked to her when she was here and some how I can’t stop now, it feels so strange to ignore her or where she would have been. I have a picuture of her framed by the bed and I kiss her good night and good moring and take a few minutes to just gaze at her and remember how she felt when I held her. Today I went for groceries the frist time out in the truck alone without her, I cracked the windows and told her I’d be back soon. Insane I hope not, I am still going through those motions that were such an automatic thing. I know she is gone but for now I still need to honor her as was, for a while longer anyway.

I’m still making my way through the condolences, so I have not forgotten anybun yet, and I hope I don’t becasue I do really want to take the time to address each message as they all mean so much to me. But I am finding I can only do so many in a day before feeling so emotionally drained so I’ve decided to be OK with how long it takes, I know you all understand. But this process feels good and I find each day I less erratic in my emotions, now its mostly just a numb kind of feeling for the most part, with some bunny drama thown in to keep rooted! Thank you so much for helping me through this, it really is the hardest time I’ve had with saying good bye. xo Laura

This is from my bunspace blog

I wanted to let you guys know that me and Dave are coming along. There are less tears out of nowhere, but they still come when I read the comments and watch the videos or look at old photos. But even through the tears I still can’t bare to not see her, even if only in pictures. I’m only sleeping with the stuffed bunny now, I can get through the day without holding it so I guess that is progress.

The vet visit with the dog went well, she has an upper respiratory infection and needs antibiotics and we got her some estrogen for her incontinence and we’ve started Metacam for mild arthritis. Too bad there wasn’t a cure for the drooling and farting. Well with that huge releif we also got a tremendous surprise. There is a Bunspace Angel, a person with a heart so rich with love and kindness, who has paid for Trinket’s special Cremation!! This was such a beautiful and thoughtful gesture in doing this, and it kept our bill from going over the top of that freakout number that I have in my head, LOL. Thank YOU, Thank YOU so much, you have truly touched us. The girl who informed me is just so blown away with shock that people we have never met personally would do such a thing and anonomously at that!! She can hardly beleive that such a place as bunspace exists with such amazing and with caring people.

I also found a surprise in my email today as well, notification that another Bunspace Angel has gifted our family with a whole years VIB!!! OMG, Trinket will not fade away into the archives of bunspace!! Thank you so much for helping me to continue to share her with you!! I feel like she has been helped to be raised by this entire community of people and buns that all love her. If only our families and our closest “real world” friends could be so thoughtful and sensative to eachother!

Wembly and his Dad have made another song for my sweet Girl and I have been working on my own Tribute to Trinket all afternoon. The computer went nuts today and I thought I fried my hard drive when for awhile none of the programs would work or open properly, but this evening I finally have things working and have managed to upload to YOUtube. I hope you will be comforted too by what  I think are some of her greatest insites to life. My wonderful girl showed us all so much and somehow I was able to tap into what I think she’d want me to share with you. So its more like her Tribute to Life than my trubute to her.  Thank you so much for another beautiful song Mike and Wembly, I know I will be spending a lot of time watching it over and over again. Your beautiful music and soothing voice has helped bring me closer to  peace and acceptance. What an amazing gift of healing and love for Trinket, XO Laura

And if you haven’t cried enough, I also want to post a beautiful Tribute Video that Suzy Q and Mom did for Trinket as well. I cried and cried when I watched this the first time, but it was a good cry, theuraputic and cleansing so it was such a good thing. Thank you sweet hearts for such a lovely and sweet Tribute to “OUR” sweet Trinket.

So I won’t be around at all tomorrow. I just found out Trinket’s Aunti Sherri Ellen has lost her father just yesterday and the funeral is tomorrow, 3 1/2 hours away. She is unable to get there so Dave and I are taking her down so she can say her good byes and to try and be a support to her. I’m still a bit numb and scattered myself, but helping someone else will help me snap out of it!! Trinket would want me to be strong for her. Loosing a father is one of the hardest things in life, I remember, its still not been that long for me. So she joins me in orphanhood, a wounded child left to carry on alone in the world, no matter how old we get, its a challenging realization to be the last of your family line.

So don’t worry for me, I sucking it up and finding my way along a healing path. Surprisingly making this video of Trinket has really helped me a lot. Taking the time to contemplate her wisdom and strength has given me some freedom of the pain in the pit of my stomach, I think I can finally breath again tonight. I have been spending as much time outside in the dark under the stars as I can. I still cannot find her in the sky above me yet, but I know she is near. xo Laura

This is from my bunspace blog

Trinket’s Mamma here~ I hardly know where to begin again, I have been so overwhelmed with my emotions the last few days, but Bunspace has been such an enormous comfort to me and to Dave to see just how much love and compassion my sweet baby evokes from all of you. Even though reading through comments would often result in the break down of tears, I need to cry them out and when I read these beautiful and heartfelt messages, I feel like I am not crying alone. Thank you seems so inadequate, but there are the only words I can think of to say that I am grateful from the depts of my being for being so embraced by this wonderful community.

I though I was ready to let her go and even though she is gone, I am struggling with all my might to release my NEED to hold her, to kiss her and smell her sweet breath. Gracie and Puds, although I love them both dearly in the way one might love a Tazmanian Devil or an electric eel, I can take no comfort in holding them and kissing them. They have each other and they tolerate me to a point, but my soul craves, like the worst drug, that feeling of Trinket melting into me when I hold her. Each day as she declined further and further to the point of being a rag doll, I did not comprend the impact it would make on me physically, to physically ache without her so much, like I am missing an arm or some vital part of my own self. All I can see is all those way in which she is missing, but the worst is when I close my eyes. I try desperately to see her face and feel her when I take that time to go inward, and I cannot, I feel so utterly alone in those moments.

The first days was just brutal, both Dave and I breaking down over nothing, but at least taking that time to embrace the pain for the joy of having loved her so deeply. She was everything to us and every aspect of the day and everything we did evolved around HER. Even the simplist of task required planning and consideration of her, like going to the store. She was with me always, only apart for me for a total of a few hours of the last months. She was a rabbit in fur only and for such a long time I always thought of her as my companion, a true friend and partner. I know it seems bizzare, but I am sincere in that statement, for me that bond was real and deep. It was one sould being loving another. She was never like something that I possessed or owned, but was always a people who happened to look quite different and didn’t speak my language, but we learned to understand eachohter and of course love eachother.

That first night going to bed seemed impossible. Dave was exhausted so he fell asleep quickly but snored restlessly and each time I closed my eyes I fought to capture a glimps of her or a sense of her near me and I felt desperate to be without her, so empty. I can only equate it to like the Dementor’s Kiss in Harry Potter, I feel like I could never be cheerful again. Not like being happy would betray her, just that any happiness I had in me went with her when she died. For hours I laid there with the interanl dialouge rambling on in my mind, talking to her, telling her how much I loved her and how awestruck I was by her impact in my life. I beleive she can still know my thoughts, but it is I that is alone and disconnected now that the veil of life and death seperates us. Why do I beleive that? I don’t know really, its just something I have always held in my heart so until I know otherwise I will continue to talk to her when I feel weight of the lonliness smothering me.

Finally I got up and went to bunspace, even though I feel unable to yet correspond and speak with her voice as I once did, I read and reread all the beautiful words that you have written for her and for me. Finally i had my big break down cry and sobbed like I have never before, letting each tear be a tribute to my devoiton and love for her. I still hold my anguish in my throat and wrestle to keep it there even now as I type this. After the last tear, I went out to sit on the deck. It has been storming here the last few days. Since she died, its been raining and thundering and then short periods of calm again. I can’t help but think its like Mother Earth crying along with me for she is gone from this physical realm. The rain so much the tears we all shed. So in the wee hours of the night I went out in hopes to find a star, but it was foggy and so overcast not even the moon could be seen. So i sat in utter darnkness on rain sodden rocking chair and just laid back to look up into the sky. Even in that darkness I soon could see the world going on around me, so full of life and activity. The bats swooping through the night sky capturing the bugs and I soon could hear the loons out on the lake.  At first it seemed like silence, but it was the human world that was silenced so now the nautral world became awake and alive. I could hear the coyotees off in the distance yelping and crying while the trees over head would shudder in the breeze and rain down upon me. Again I felt like nature was sharing my grief, crying along with me. Some how sitting there in the dark shut off from the roar of humanity, I hoped I could hear a whipser of her in my mind, but I could not. In the past when I have lost loved ones, it was always those first days that the shocking realization of the disconnection was so apparent. In these days I wouldn’t be able conjure the images or visions of them, I’d be truly alone and without them. But once my anguish diminished it would be then I’d always receive a special dream or fleeting vison or sign of them to say that they were OK and then reconnection of the love. So I’ve come to beleive that hanging on to the pain is what keeps me disconnected from her, but for now I need to honor her and our love through the experience of that pain. I hope I will not linger here long or over indulge this need to internalize this pain to the deepest part of myself, but I have always believed that pain is the equal intesnity of the love, I guess I think of it as joy but with barbs.

Finally I was able to go to sleep at 4 am, thankfully last night was easier so I guess the exhaustion is finally taking over enough to force me to what I need to do, sleep. Gracie and Puds are somewhat at odds with the different energy in the house. That first night they were literally spooked at every little thing. When we came home from the vet we had showed them her shirt and her empty carrier, but i didn’t think they’d Need to see her body, but now I wonder if they are having trouble understanding her being gone. I do think the energy of our grief must be frightning for them to expereince and I hope as things calm down here and evolve into a new routine that they can once again relax and maybe then we’ll see how this changes them now that Gracie is the alpha. I keep telling them now that T is gone, it is their JOB to take care of the humans and that means some smooches! They both shake their heads in a mortified gesture, “NOOOOO” we’ll see as I am determined.

No other bunny could ever fill my heart the way Trinket does ( I still cannot say did) I know it would have been Trinket’s intention to pass the torch so to speak to Gracie and although they were rivals I think T always admired Gracies and will find her worthy of being the holder of the wisdom and the storyteller for our family. Trinket always intented that Tinkie Couture go on without her and I will although right now it pains me to even concieve of it. I will not blog as Trinket again unless if by some special message she gives me words to share with you. I think she may always have a few words for special friends when words of love and comfort are needed, but for right now I do not feel her words in me, I am isolated from her in my grief. She always amazed by her capacity to love. Anyone who held her and showed her respect, love and care, she would love back 100 fold, giving them kisses and all of her trust, even before she was really sick she was like that. I don’t think that is like a regular bunny at all, she truly is a special soul.

I am going to be taking a bit of a break from bunspace, I don’t know how long, I need to heal myself and being here is bitter sweet, its loving and amazing but at the same time its so hard becasue SHE IS still here in all of you. Your tribute to her by taking on her name in yours and her photos for your profiles has touched me like nothing else will ever again. You honor me and you honor her beyond anything I could ever declare as anything other than pure love, just like she was in life~ Thank YOU. Some dear sweet friend has honored us with another month of VIB and I am so grateful for you, Thank YOU! I knew the day would come soon when the membership would run out and all her photos and comments would disappear and it would be so much like her fading from me, the thought was quite painful, but for now every bit of money has to go to paying down the huge vet bill. Sady I couldn’t stay away even a day, Mato the old dog has to be seen today as she has developed a respitory infeciton and is coughing. It never ends so it seems I will be taking the time to come around and respond to each of you that have reached out with such kindness, please be patient with me, its going to take a while. I will be taking a systamatic approach to this with answering messages, nomie gifts, profile comments and then blog comments. Each and every word everyone of you have written has immense power and has brought comfort, please don’t ever think other wise. I hadn’t felt able to reply just yet, but I’m hoping soon I can begin to. I’ll still be lurking around somewhat but I need to withdraw from commenting as T had for  so long on her friend’s blogs.  I am sure I will struggle to feel Gracie’s unique voice. I’ve always thought of her as the wise old girl, who has come through homlessness and the trials of loosing all her children other than Puds. She is no stranger to fear and pain, but now has contentment and I hope soon that she will accept devotion and love as T did. I think it will take a while to find the words that I know are inside her.

As usual I can’t keep a blog short even though its not my intention to the be the run on queen. Thank you so much for helping me through this, its been harder than I thought. I hoped the relief would settle in my heart by now, but still a bit beyond my grasp just yet. I have found that if I hold this stuffie bun that has one of those heatable jell packs for a tummy, on my chest and shoulder where T would lay for hours, it comforts me on a physical level. It has the right amount of floppiness like her and the weight is sadly close too. No beating heart or sweet kisses, but for now I am clinging to this substitute. I feel like a little girl dragging this toy around with me, but for now its all I have while I learn to be in a world without her. I hope the rain will stop soon so I too can look to the sky and in contemplation of her rebirth and maybe catch of glimps of her in all her wonder. Carole thank you for that gift, that idea of her as a star to shine on forever, too far to behold her body, but still basking in her glorious light.

Much love, xo Laura