Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

Hello my furiends,

I’m still here this morning. The night seemed like forever but Mamma stayed up with me til 4am and then she only slept for 15 or 20 minutes at a time inbetween cuddles and smooches. I thought for a while I just might have gone on to the bridge last night I could feel everything going in to slow motion and feeling really distant from everything, but then suddenly snap! I was here again so I quickly give mamma a bunch of smooches so she knew I’m still here. I’m really really tired, the Tramadol is great for no pain, but its making me very sleepy and its hard, I wish to be more awake, but I prefer not to have the pain. The doctor told Mamma to have me exercise a little bit and so last night mamma put me on the floor so I could scoot around for a bit. My front legs made thier usual hoppy motions, but I couldn’t budge an inch, I’m right out of steam So me and Mamma have to settle for cuddles and massage to keep my body stimulated a wee bit.  I think its gonna be soon that I’ll leave, gee I hope Daddy can drive fast. xox T

Mamma here~ Well the Lasix seems to helping her breath easier. I had to give her a full dose before bed, it seems to me its not quite getting her the 12 hours. Today I am going to try and hold off on the Tramadol and see if I can manage her with just the metacam so she is not as groogy, but if worst comes I will give it to her.

Last night I held her on my arm and shoulder and at times I could feel her heart beating slower and slower, pounding in my arm and I could feel my heart trying to match her rhythm, it brought me physical pain just sharing it with her. a few times I thought she’d just slip away and I prayed for it, but she’s suddenly wind up again and come back to life and cover me in kisses. Same thing at night in bed, I held her as close as I could and there were long moments where I could not hear her breath and I craddled her chest in my hand and I could not feel her pulse it was so weak and again I thought she is finally letting go. I’d wait holding my own breath for a a few seconds and whisper her name and she’d suddenly breath again. This time there has been no panic or anxiety in her. She is calm and relaxed. I keep telling her about how all the pain will vanish and I talk to her about old stories she shared and how I remember her before she was sick.

I am still feeding her, I did last night and I’m halfway through this morning. I don’t know why, I guess I just don’t want to add stasis to her final time here and I hope it will keep her tummy from hurting from the meds. I’m going really slow and if she becomes too fussy I stop entirely. I don’t want to stress her but to keep her doing the things that are normal for her as possible. Its got to be soon though I don’t understand her strength, but she is still holding on to this life. Maybe she is waiting for her Daddy, I told her it was OK, that he would be OK and he was with her in spirit and that she didn’t have to wait for him. But she has alway been the boss of us and she’ll do it how she wants to do it and I’ll continue to do everything I can to help her do just that.

I really don’t know what else to say right now, she is hanging on, but she seems relaxed and not frightened. I’m freakily calm as well and still have not cried. Each time she looks up at me and kisses me I want her to see a face filled with the joy of having loved her all this time, not a face filled with pain. Its one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. In the past I’d have taken a animal and had them PTS at this point for sure, this is the first time I am attempting a natural passing as I think we have the suffering under control, its waiting from here on in, if it gets scary and out hand I will take her Dr Deb but for right now I’m just waiting with her. That decision could change at any moment, I am taking it moment to moment literally.

She nibbled a bit of cilantro this morning and I brought her a beautiful bouquet from the garden all her favorites, she hasn’t touched it yet, but I hope she will at some point.

My Dearest  Friends, Bunny and Two Legged…

Well Mamma and me just got back from three hours  at both my vets this afternoon. First Mamma decided she was gonna play hard ball with these nasty seizures and wasn’t gonna just sit around so she decided on the homeopathic approach she was gonna take and also see about the seizure med from my vet to have as back up if it didn’t work. So off to town we went and we got in to see Dr Deb. She had suggested we treat with Pancur again and she dispensed some Diazapam for me to have recally when I have the next episode. The sedative will work within 5 minutes and calm enough to stop from causing further damage. Now as far as the phenobaritol goes, here in Canada it’s a controlled substance, the vets don’t even stock here and it would have to ordered form a special compounding pharmacy in the city. It will take a week or so to get here and it will be very expensive, but Mamma said to go ahead and order it. So while I was there, Susan the tech called over to the other office about when I could get in for x-rays, they said I could go right after I left there. So we did.

Well we had to wait for a while and there were so many dogs there, but eventually I was taken back for my x-rays. The tech said I was very placid they asked if Deb dosed me with Diazapam and Mamma said no, I’d been like that since the seizure. We waited and waited and finally the doctor called Mamma to the back to look at my pictures. I’ll let Mamma tell you. I love you guys so much xo T

Mamma here~ It is my worst fear. My sweet baby in now in congestive heart failure. Her heart has begun to enlarge and her lungs are filling with fluid. Not much could be processed in my mind after that flow. I managed the rest on auto pilot and I have to fully process what is happening. OK first off teeth looked good not signs of anything that would be causing the level of pain she has. We couldn’t really make out the jaw so good so the question is still out on that one. She does have severe  spinal degeneration just behind her shoulders (this was not so much a surprise to me with her body deforming from her hind end issues) Dr D, thought the condition of the spine alone would account for her paralysis , but she still has sensation and movement, the joint is fused on one leg and the other is so atrophied and splayed it may as well be paralyzed.  So there wasn’t any definitive answers to why is she in so much pain.

OK back to her heart. I went over both her seizures with Dr Dave and in light of her x-rays it is now believed that they were not seizures at all, but cardiac events which brought on her extreme panic. Heart arrhythmias or even heart attacks I suppose. Ironically that is what first came to my instinctively when she had that first one in the middle of the night and last night the choking would be her not able to breath, I guess my banging on her chest help get it back to what it should be doing. So I still don’t know if seizures brought on heart damage or for sure heart damage has brought on these events. Its most likely the heart brought on the episodes. So I’ve canceled the phenobarbitol and I asked the vet about Lasik. At first he was apprehensive in treating her with it, being such a small bun and the fact she lacks the physical condition and that she does not eat and drink on her own. That said he did admit he had never treated a bun with Lasik, but finally agreed to try it for a few days to see how things go.

I had just heard her death sentence, no doubts we are at the end here and going further is sheer craziness, BUT all I can think is of her Daddy and how he needs to be here with us when her time is brought about by our hand. I will admit I am not in my right mind, haven’t been for a while now, but I just can’t say euthanize her, I can’t do it with all our past experience I can’t do it to her or to us. I’ve had it in my mind I want this to happen on her terms, although I can accept the idea of attempting the exit via acupuncture (if that will really work I am willing to try it) With that said, I am taking this minute by minute, she could have another episode at anytime and nature has made the decision for us. I believe the Lasik will give her a chance at being able to breath and to be comfortable while we wait for the inevitable and when Dave gets home, if she is still with me and we’ll take her to Dr Deb and see if we can give her an exit with dignity and peace.

When I told Dave tonight he was in state of numbness as well but had to admit he wasn’t shocked. He is heartbroken and I can hear the tears quivering at the edge of his words. He’s 2200 km away from home and powerless, but he has agreed to me taking her in any time when I feel I must.

So far I do believe the Lasik is doing its job, she seems to be a bit brighter than this afternoon and I am hoping/thinking her breathing seems easier. She’s given me kisses at the vet and once we got home. I’ve gotten half her dinner into her and I’m letting her rest for a bit before I give the other half. She is back to making her little murmurs while she sleeps and that is normal for her so its music to my ears. I have not cried yet, I can’t let myself as I know I will not be able to stop and I don’t want to scare my sweet girl, so I holding my heart in my throat.

I can’t help but think this is a like a replay of my sweet angel Minnie. She had two years of being born again after her mate died, she blossomed into this incredible sweet precious thing and then a year of serious and heart wrenching battles with her heath and then she died (PTS) because she had an enlarged heart and was in heart failure. It was like her love could not be contained in that body and it burst forth, she was beyond hope and treatment, it broke our hearts to have her go like that and now Trinket too has just blossomed into who she is now in last two years. Her illness has been our greatest enemy and our greatest gift. I just can’t conceive living a moment without her, she has been at my side every moment of every day and has rallied through everything E.C. has thrown at her and more. Last week at the hair dresser was the longest I had been not with her physically and it ate at me, it was crazy.

I guess there isn’t really anything else I can say. I’d like to wish you all the greatest joy with your babies. Love them like it’s the only moment you’ll ever have because its gone so fast. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for all the messages, the phone calls, the words of comfort, the support, the gestures of love and friendship, the wonderful little gifts and notes, everything…. It was never expected in a million years how you have all fallen in love with my sweet girl, Thank you for making the last year of her life so wonderful even while its been so tragic~ Thank you.I have finally laid down my hope and now I pray for the ulitimate healing, a swift and peaceful death (rebirth) for my darling friend and companion. 

I have to stop know I’m about to loose it entirely.  I’m so sorry to bring such sad news.