Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

My Sweeties, He made it!! and me too

Daddy rolled in a little after midnight last night. I almost forgot what he looked like, its been such a long few weeks and the days have just blurred into one another.

Well its hard to say how I am doing, in some ways I seem the same or unimproved, but I did manage to crawl (dragged myself) on my own from the couch to the front door to look at Gracie, about 6 feet!! That is the most I’ve moved on my own in several days. anyway I sat there on my own waiting and watching the door for Daddy to come home, but I got too weak and fell over on my side so Mamma had to hold me until he did get home. I almost made it though. I really wanted Daddy to see me there on my own, but it was too much. But that said I am very proud I made it over to the door and I have been able to hold myself up in my hutch for a little bit when Mamma puts me in there in the morning to see if I’ll eat anything on own. So in that way I am improved, but I am still not eating and my energy is pretty low most of the time. I seem to ebb and flow through the day. My best time seems to be afternoon for a few hours I smooch quite ferociously and then it wanes for the rest of the day. Night time is the hardest. Funny seems my meds are around the clock.

OK back to Daddy’s home coming. I was so tired and and he smelt funny so I didn’t smooch on him last night, but I did lay in him arms and snuggled his neck for a few hours before we went to bed. This morning I have smooched on his nose, I think he needs a shave though. So I slept not too bad last night, my pain managed and my breathing was good (better than the night before anyway. I lay inbetween Mamma and Daddy in the bed all propped up on the front again and both of them took turns snugglin on me through the night.

So this morning I have nibbled a couple bits of parsley and soon it will be time for more meds and my mash along with my herbal cocktail. Mamma has droped my mash meals down to two but she gives them in four sittings seems its too hard on me to eat it all at once, I’m getting a bit grumpy about it but for the most part I am still co-operating.

Daddy is hopin the weather will clear here, its been raining every day for the last week almost and he’d like us to get out for another walk in the stroller and maybe do a Drive Inn Movie again too if I start to have a good day. I know it seems weird, but these were things I really enjoyed with Mamma and Daddy and it would be nice to squeeze in a few more of these adventures before I leave, but we’ll have to see. OK time for mash so I got to go. Be well my sweeties I love you all so much, xox T ((smoochies))

Hello my Sweeties,

Well I’m still here of course, my Daddy is not home yet so there should be no question. He is due home some time Monday, hopefully everything will go as planned and he is not delayed.

So last night was a bit better for me, Mamma elevated the front of my pet bed so I was sleepin up hill instead of like before I was sort of facing down hill. Mamma’s got a very cwappy mattress and when she gets in bed it makes a big dip in the centre and that is usually where I end up facing so this time I was able to keep my head up all night and Mamma was hopin it would help me feel better and be able to breath easier. So the night was peaceful until 7am when my tooth grinding woke Mamma so she could get me my Metacam. My Lasix is due at 2am so we’ve been up late every night and today I can see Mamma is lookin very tired. Last night she did sleep right through the whole night as I didn’t need her to comfort me so I guess that is an improvement. I chewed a few pieces of parsley first thing today, but I haven’t ate anything on my own so far for the rest of today. I am getting my syringed mash though so I’m not really hungry. I got a bit cranky about my mash this morning but Mamma reminded me if I want to wait for Daddy to get home, I got to keep eating even though its work.

We finally got the heart medicine for me and I won’t start it till later tonight seems its a every 12 hour thing, Mamma didn’t want to start too early seems we are up so late and sleep later in the morning. Holy Moley all these medicines are a lot to keep straight so Mamma has it all written out of what I get and when, but sometimes I can’t make it through to the next dose like ,my pain meds, neither the Tramdol nor the Metacam really get me through so I have them both staggered through out the day so I’m getting pain meds 4 times a day and that is not too bad for the most part.

I was weighted again today at the vet to see if I can maintain my weight on this Lasix, I’ve gone down from .98kg to .95kg and I did miss my breakfast yesterday so that is not too bad. We got to be careful the Lasix doesn’t start to dehydrate me, kind of tough on a paralyzed bunny. Oh I can sit up on my own today without fallin over so that is a huge improvement on yesterday. so I guess we win a little and loose a little too, but they kind of even out. Mamma has been told by the Dora Bunnies Mommy that the heart medicine will make me feel so much better. Her poor little Elsa had heart problems and still went on for three months on the Lasix and heart medicine, so I don’t know? Does that mean I’ll be here longer than we thought? Its hard to tell though cause I got all this pain to manage and the paralysis too on top of the fact I don’t eat on my own. You’d think I’d be miserable with all that but I’m not. I do sleep a lot but that is just relaxing and the rest of the time the smooches with Mamma are so wonderful, they make me so happy. Before the Tramadol I could hardly smooch at all, so its really making a huge difference for me. Things have gotten strange with my body though. I’m pretty much a floppy bun now and Mamma has to be very careful now to support my whole upper body. I got all my weight up top and I’ve not got any strength left in my back anymore, just in my front legs and my neck so its kind of awkward. If I’m laying on mamma chest this is most comfortable for both of us and I can still be quite bossy with Mamma if she is not smoochin on me right. I start pushing around her nose to just where I want it and of course I got to kiss on the lips, its not a kiss unless its on the lips ,LOL

Well there is not too much really to say about today. It rained and stormed here like crazy and we lost hydro for a while and have had our satellite out several times as well, but things are finally calming and the late day sun is shining, its been a good day all in all. I’m relaxed and content except when Mamma is pushing me to eat, but I know she is right so I keep at it even when I’m tired. I love you guys so much and I’ll let you know tomorrow how things go with the heart medicine, wish me luck! xox T

I’m sorry we didn’t update sooner my sweeties, but today has been such a day of turmoil. I’ll try to remember everything right so you know what’s been happening.

First off, last night was rough, the Lasix was not lasting long at all and Mamma was out of her mind with making her own decision to give more and more often. she got a message from the Dora Bunnies and she was saying I can have lasix way more often and to not be so afraid of increasing the dose, she also told Mamma about a heart medicine that works well with the lasix, so Mamma was torn up inside in trying to decide if this is what she needed to do for me or just let me go. So she sent all this info and an update via email to Dr Dave and he got back to her late at night saying to go for it. so I was started on a higher dose of Lasix at bedtime.

When morning came around I was much weaker and I could no longer sit up on my own without fallin over. Mamma gave me more Lasix and although my breathing became easier I was still so weak. Finally she decided she could no longer continue like this and called to take me in to have that special acupuncture done that will help me cross over. She cried when she wrote an email to Dr Dave telling him to forget about the med. Mamma held me on her chest and just cried, so I kissed each tear trying to tell her it would be OK, that I could still hold on longer. Steadily through the afternoon I mustered more strength. Mamma hadn’t fed me she wanted our last day to be relaxed and not stress me with the syringe, but I ate the bouquet she brought me from the garden, and I smooched her more and more trying to tell her what her heart was to broken to hear. I lay in her arms all afternoon and cooed and smooched her to try and ease her pain and to let her know I was still here! I know her insides were being wrenched out I could feel her pain and I understand her fear, but I’m not scared, I know I am surrounded in love.

We got to the Dr Deb’s at four thirty, I wore my new flower/bow from BooBoo, I still need to feel pretty even though I’m dying you know. Its always important to look your best. So even in the waiting room I nibbled some salad and squirmed enough to let Mamma know I wanted her to hold me so she did. Then Mamma let is all fall out of her mouth to Dr Deb and she told her how I was still rallying and how she just couldn’t go through with it and what about trying the new heart med. She said she knows we can’t win the war, but only a three or four days, just enough time for Daddy to get home to us.  So Dr Deb put in some needles to help me feel bit better but nothing that would move too much chi, then she cupped my head in her hands and opened her mind and Mamma watched very quietly. Deb held my face for the longest time then she sensed I was very foggy, groogy and very tired, Mamma says its the Tramadol doing that and Deb agreed it would, so then she imagined herself blowing away the fog from my mind so I could see and think clear again but I suddenly became overwhelmed with the pain again so I squirmed and cried a bit and started to grind my teeth, it was my way to tell her “no I need the Tramado”l, the sleepiness is OK as long as I don’t have to be in that pain. Then she let it go and she moved her hands to my heart and held them there for a while and opened her mind again, this time I told her goodbye. Dr Deb told Mamma what she sensed and she started to cry when she told Mamma I had told her good bye. It took her a while to compose herself enough to talk again and she started to get together some more things to help me. She told Mamma I am one special little bunny and that she really thought I was hanging on for her. It was then Mamma realized I was hanging on for Daddy! When he left to go to work last I didn’t kiss him when he asked me, I was feelin too terrible with the pain and he said it was OK, he’d get his kiss when he got back, well I got to give him that kiss, I can’t leave without letting him know how much I love him, and… well I can’t leave them each alone, who will look after them if I go and they are apart? They will need eachother when I’m gone. Daddy says I will always be a part of his soul and I know its that way with Mamma too, but I know they will struggle to learn to live a new life without me there.

So I got some heart herbs to help and some Potasium as well and before it was time to go Dr Deb held me close to her chest and said good bye and I smooched her to say how grateful I am for how she has cared for me, and she cried again but I know she was struggling not to. Mamma told them about the song Wembley’s dad did for me and they all watched the video. When it was time to leave Dr Deb stroked me on the head and said see you around and I uttered my “Woop Hoo” just to let her know it was not good bye.

Now this is the stinky part, seems it was so late in the day, the other vet  can’t get my heart med until tomorrow, it has to come from a special pharmacy and it has to be compounded for my dose! Cwap, got to get through tonight without, but I am determined so I will and Mamma will help me.

I know Daddy is releived I’m gonna stay til he gets home, I know he told Mamma it was OK to let me go and for me to let them go, but I can’t, not without saying my goodbye, so I will lay on Mamma’s chest and smooch her while we wait, that’s the only thing really giving me the strength to stay. Love is stronger than any medicine and I couldn’t have done any of this with medicine alone. Its always been Mamma and Daddy’s love, but also all the love all of you have poured into us, Thank you for standing by us and supporting us through the last year, even just being witness is a support because we still feel the love you have in your hearts. I have always hoped I have taught Mamma that everything life should be sacred, even dying. Its in that lesson that the beautiful gift of love was given to both of us through out my terrible struggle with illness. It wasn’t all bad, for every second of suffering also brought a hundred of joy and love. And all the bad stuff made the good stuff so much more treasured.  I love you all my sweeties, everyone of you have helped make this journey one to honored and well FUN!! Its been so fun sharing the photos and my stories, stories are not much fun if no one listens to them. I know you’ll all take care of my Mamma for me but I’m still gonna hang in there as long as I can, I know Mamma understands now and will do all she can. xox T

Oh my Goodness how can I forget?? I want to thank the Angel that sent us Nomies!! Thank you so much who ever you are, it really means alot for us. ((smooches my sweet)) And I want to thank Bambi and her family as they have given me the most awesome of gifts! They have decidicated and named a real life star up in the sky after me!!! Oh my goodness now if we can only find it in the sky, then mamma and Daddy will always have something to gaze upon when they are missing me. I’ll get mamma to put a picture of the certificate in my album later when she can. Thank you so much Sweeties it really touched Mamma’s heart to deeply xox T

Mamma here~ I don’t have too much to add to what Trinket has shared, other than to say I am in constant wonder at her understanding and her will to do as she sees fit. Right after the phone call she did everything she could to show me she was still worth fighting for, that I had to put aside my fear and my guilt and help her live our her journey. Mine is to be witness to hers and to assist as well as love her along the way. It will be over when she is ready. Each day is a miracle and I am so blessed to be apart of it, its a tremedous gift I have been given to be the care giver of such an extrodinary being.

When I told her Daddy what I needed to do, or what I thought I needed to do, he did support me in it, but even then he stil couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye ot her either.Its kind of hard to say good bye to your soul bun over the phone.

I have been so amazed at the love that has come forth from the furthest of places and the unlikliest of people. Dr Deb is a good example. She is strong person, not usually one for emotional connections with her clients. i know she cares deeply or she wouldn’t be able to do holistic care, but she is a Dog person. A person who has seen rabbits as lunch meat for her dogs, LOL I know its bizzare and now her soul has been touched by a wee little bun so small and trival in the bigger scheme of things, but she SAW her as many of you do. I live with Trinket so naturally I see her spirit, it does and always will amaze how all of you do as well. I know her pictures say a 100 words often and there is a light in eyes and her expression, but i just wish for you all to know the feeling in you heart when you hold such a soul to your chest and open yourself to thier wonder and their spirit. To hear their meaning in thier jestures and their sighs and know thier loyalty. I surrendered my mind and judgment in trade for the love of the most divine little creature. I guess letting go of that will hurt like hell, but I won’t hesitate a minute to do it again. She has become my Soul Bun.

She is resting now, I’ve fed her supper and she’s had all her meds, hopefully the night will go quickly and she’ll be bit stronger tomorrow. This is going to take as long as it takes I am just so grateful I am able to be here for her 100%. I couldn’t imagine having to work and take care of family or kids as well as doing this. I guess that’s been my blessing for her. She is most at peace laying on my chest so I trying to give her as much time there as possible. I’ve probably forgotton something I wanted to say, but then I am out of my mind right now so please forgive me. Thank you so much for all the comments and messages, they really do help so much. I am sorry I am unable to answer them right now, T is my biggest priority and too much time on the computer is too hard, but being able to read and share these words of comfort has been such a help to my heart trying to hold strong for her, Thank YOU xox Laura

Hello my furiends,

I’m still here this morning. The night seemed like forever but Mamma stayed up with me til 4am and then she only slept for 15 or 20 minutes at a time inbetween cuddles and smooches. I thought for a while I just might have gone on to the bridge last night I could feel everything going in to slow motion and feeling really distant from everything, but then suddenly snap! I was here again so I quickly give mamma a bunch of smooches so she knew I’m still here. I’m really really tired, the Tramadol is great for no pain, but its making me very sleepy and its hard, I wish to be more awake, but I prefer not to have the pain. The doctor told Mamma to have me exercise a little bit and so last night mamma put me on the floor so I could scoot around for a bit. My front legs made thier usual hoppy motions, but I couldn’t budge an inch, I’m right out of steam So me and Mamma have to settle for cuddles and massage to keep my body stimulated a wee bit.  I think its gonna be soon that I’ll leave, gee I hope Daddy can drive fast. xox T

Mamma here~ Well the Lasix seems to helping her breath easier. I had to give her a full dose before bed, it seems to me its not quite getting her the 12 hours. Today I am going to try and hold off on the Tramadol and see if I can manage her with just the metacam so she is not as groogy, but if worst comes I will give it to her.

Last night I held her on my arm and shoulder and at times I could feel her heart beating slower and slower, pounding in my arm and I could feel my heart trying to match her rhythm, it brought me physical pain just sharing it with her. a few times I thought she’d just slip away and I prayed for it, but she’s suddenly wind up again and come back to life and cover me in kisses. Same thing at night in bed, I held her as close as I could and there were long moments where I could not hear her breath and I craddled her chest in my hand and I could not feel her pulse it was so weak and again I thought she is finally letting go. I’d wait holding my own breath for a a few seconds and whisper her name and she’d suddenly breath again. This time there has been no panic or anxiety in her. She is calm and relaxed. I keep telling her about how all the pain will vanish and I talk to her about old stories she shared and how I remember her before she was sick.

I am still feeding her, I did last night and I’m halfway through this morning. I don’t know why, I guess I just don’t want to add stasis to her final time here and I hope it will keep her tummy from hurting from the meds. I’m going really slow and if she becomes too fussy I stop entirely. I don’t want to stress her but to keep her doing the things that are normal for her as possible. Its got to be soon though I don’t understand her strength, but she is still holding on to this life. Maybe she is waiting for her Daddy, I told her it was OK, that he would be OK and he was with her in spirit and that she didn’t have to wait for him. But she has alway been the boss of us and she’ll do it how she wants to do it and I’ll continue to do everything I can to help her do just that.

I really don’t know what else to say right now, she is hanging on, but she seems relaxed and not frightened. I’m freakily calm as well and still have not cried. Each time she looks up at me and kisses me I want her to see a face filled with the joy of having loved her all this time, not a face filled with pain. Its one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. In the past I’d have taken a animal and had them PTS at this point for sure, this is the first time I am attempting a natural passing as I think we have the suffering under control, its waiting from here on in, if it gets scary and out hand I will take her Dr Deb but for right now I’m just waiting with her. That decision could change at any moment, I am taking it moment to moment literally.

She nibbled a bit of cilantro this morning and I brought her a beautiful bouquet from the garden all her favorites, she hasn’t touched it yet, but I hope she will at some point.

My Dearest  Friends, Bunny and Two Legged…

Well Mamma and me just got back from three hours  at both my vets this afternoon. First Mamma decided she was gonna play hard ball with these nasty seizures and wasn’t gonna just sit around so she decided on the homeopathic approach she was gonna take and also see about the seizure med from my vet to have as back up if it didn’t work. So off to town we went and we got in to see Dr Deb. She had suggested we treat with Pancur again and she dispensed some Diazapam for me to have recally when I have the next episode. The sedative will work within 5 minutes and calm enough to stop from causing further damage. Now as far as the phenobaritol goes, here in Canada it’s a controlled substance, the vets don’t even stock here and it would have to ordered form a special compounding pharmacy in the city. It will take a week or so to get here and it will be very expensive, but Mamma said to go ahead and order it. So while I was there, Susan the tech called over to the other office about when I could get in for x-rays, they said I could go right after I left there. So we did.

Well we had to wait for a while and there were so many dogs there, but eventually I was taken back for my x-rays. The tech said I was very placid they asked if Deb dosed me with Diazapam and Mamma said no, I’d been like that since the seizure. We waited and waited and finally the doctor called Mamma to the back to look at my pictures. I’ll let Mamma tell you. I love you guys so much xo T

Mamma here~ It is my worst fear. My sweet baby in now in congestive heart failure. Her heart has begun to enlarge and her lungs are filling with fluid. Not much could be processed in my mind after that flow. I managed the rest on auto pilot and I have to fully process what is happening. OK first off teeth looked good not signs of anything that would be causing the level of pain she has. We couldn’t really make out the jaw so good so the question is still out on that one. She does have severe  spinal degeneration just behind her shoulders (this was not so much a surprise to me with her body deforming from her hind end issues) Dr D, thought the condition of the spine alone would account for her paralysis , but she still has sensation and movement, the joint is fused on one leg and the other is so atrophied and splayed it may as well be paralyzed.  So there wasn’t any definitive answers to why is she in so much pain.

OK back to her heart. I went over both her seizures with Dr Dave and in light of her x-rays it is now believed that they were not seizures at all, but cardiac events which brought on her extreme panic. Heart arrhythmias or even heart attacks I suppose. Ironically that is what first came to my instinctively when she had that first one in the middle of the night and last night the choking would be her not able to breath, I guess my banging on her chest help get it back to what it should be doing. So I still don’t know if seizures brought on heart damage or for sure heart damage has brought on these events. Its most likely the heart brought on the episodes. So I’ve canceled the phenobarbitol and I asked the vet about Lasik. At first he was apprehensive in treating her with it, being such a small bun and the fact she lacks the physical condition and that she does not eat and drink on her own. That said he did admit he had never treated a bun with Lasik, but finally agreed to try it for a few days to see how things go.

I had just heard her death sentence, no doubts we are at the end here and going further is sheer craziness, BUT all I can think is of her Daddy and how he needs to be here with us when her time is brought about by our hand. I will admit I am not in my right mind, haven’t been for a while now, but I just can’t say euthanize her, I can’t do it with all our past experience I can’t do it to her or to us. I’ve had it in my mind I want this to happen on her terms, although I can accept the idea of attempting the exit via acupuncture (if that will really work I am willing to try it) With that said, I am taking this minute by minute, she could have another episode at anytime and nature has made the decision for us. I believe the Lasik will give her a chance at being able to breath and to be comfortable while we wait for the inevitable and when Dave gets home, if she is still with me and we’ll take her to Dr Deb and see if we can give her an exit with dignity and peace.

When I told Dave tonight he was in state of numbness as well but had to admit he wasn’t shocked. He is heartbroken and I can hear the tears quivering at the edge of his words. He’s 2200 km away from home and powerless, but he has agreed to me taking her in any time when I feel I must.

So far I do believe the Lasik is doing its job, she seems to be a bit brighter than this afternoon and I am hoping/thinking her breathing seems easier. She’s given me kisses at the vet and once we got home. I’ve gotten half her dinner into her and I’m letting her rest for a bit before I give the other half. She is back to making her little murmurs while she sleeps and that is normal for her so its music to my ears. I have not cried yet, I can’t let myself as I know I will not be able to stop and I don’t want to scare my sweet girl, so I holding my heart in my throat.

I can’t help but think this is a like a replay of my sweet angel Minnie. She had two years of being born again after her mate died, she blossomed into this incredible sweet precious thing and then a year of serious and heart wrenching battles with her heath and then she died (PTS) because she had an enlarged heart and was in heart failure. It was like her love could not be contained in that body and it burst forth, she was beyond hope and treatment, it broke our hearts to have her go like that and now Trinket too has just blossomed into who she is now in last two years. Her illness has been our greatest enemy and our greatest gift. I just can’t conceive living a moment without her, she has been at my side every moment of every day and has rallied through everything E.C. has thrown at her and more. Last week at the hair dresser was the longest I had been not with her physically and it ate at me, it was crazy.

I guess there isn’t really anything else I can say. I’d like to wish you all the greatest joy with your babies. Love them like it’s the only moment you’ll ever have because its gone so fast. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for all the messages, the phone calls, the words of comfort, the support, the gestures of love and friendship, the wonderful little gifts and notes, everything…. It was never expected in a million years how you have all fallen in love with my sweet girl, Thank you for making the last year of her life so wonderful even while its been so tragic~ Thank you.I have finally laid down my hope and now I pray for the ulitimate healing, a swift and peaceful death (rebirth) for my darling friend and companion. 

I have to stop know I’m about to loose it entirely.  I’m so sorry to bring such sad news.

Hi Kiddies…

Last night I had another very scary seizure

Mamma here~ After last night’s episode I am sure now that “Event” at 3 in the morning two nights ago was a seizure. OK they are getting a bit weird and terrifying for me and for her and she has awareness through them which is I think is a bit wierd since all my reading suggested they don’t. My heart just breaks for her. last night she cried out and screamed through the whole thing. I thought again she was dying, I didn’t know what was going on. Again she started clawing like she wanted to just run full speed, but of course she can’t. Her eyes were huge and her mouth was open and she was so wet around the mouth, at first I thought she was choking again but we had finished her syringe feeding over a half hour before. I thought she couldn’t breath, I don’t know for sure but it reminded me so much of Minnie when she had her heart attackt (and we thought she was choking then) so I grabbed her and started patting her back and then her chest firmly, not too hard, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was lost I just held her and kept patting her chest trying not to cry and saying NO no no no no, all the while she let out this crying sound very much like a bunny scream but it had no power it it was so weak.  and then the horrible tooth grinding started. She had her Tramadol an hour before so it should have been working and she shouldn’t have been in pain to set it off, but I just don’t know. When it was done and it took a minute or so that felt like an hour she was limp and was breathing hard again. I lay back with her on my chest and shoulder for a long while until she calmed enough I figured she was going to survive.

Even this morning she is very quite and weak, these things are really taking a lot of her. I know I am so numb and terrified for her having to go through these horrible things. I don’t know how these other E.C. buns and thier Mom manage to endure these things with their sanity intact. How do you bare it? “sigh” I have no faith on putting her on the pheonbaribitol? I think that’s it, I’ve just read so much about it not working so well and the side effects are harsh, so I will try it soon though, but first I want to try something radical again. She has survived two of what I consider major seizures, she doesn’t get the full body thing, it seems its mostly in her head. Anway I did more searching and found reference in dogs to using three particualr homeopathic remedies together that seem to work, how well I have no idea, but I KNOW the one I have her on for kidney did work and does still work so I am willing to try it for a few days and see what happens. Right now she seems to be on a every 2 day cycle of getting a seizure. I’ve already upped her herb, it did seem to be doing it in the begining but things are definately accelerating. I’ll get the remedies this afternoon right after I finish her breakfast feeding and we’ll see, if she can go several days without a seizure I feel it will have worked, but if she has two more I’ll put her on the pheobarbitol.

The other thing that is strange is that she only has these things in the night, after 11 pm and the latest one was at 3am, but mostly around 11ish, this blows my mind, but when researching the homeopathics, one of them is specified for nighttime seizures~ go figure. Her med schedual is based on a 12 hour rotation so if it was med induced I’d think she’d have them during the day as well.

She is loudly chompin on some greens right  now (again not enough to amount ot much, but I grateful for every mouthful she does take), she is finally starting to look a bit better. Yesterday she seemed very tired all day long, I wonder if her condition is a precurser to the seizures, I don’t know, I don’t anything anymore. I haven’t gotten anymore of the herb for her, I wanted to see if we managed the pain with the Tramadol if she would eat a similar amount and so far I’d say so (maybe sort of, again I don’t know what I’m doing any more..), now if we can just get this seizure thing better controled.  (crap, now she is just sitting on her salad, the chompin didn’t last long

*I’d be grateful for any imput about the typical seizure meds that any of the E.C. bun Moms can tell me, I seem to have it in my head that it doesn’t really work. How long do they go on like this? How often are the seizures typically?

I’m barly holding on to a shred of sanity, well at least I’m calmly going insane.

Hey Kiddies

Well I just got back from the vets and well I don’t know. Dr Deb did say my neck was out pretty bad and she had to really work her chiropractic magic to get everything back as it should be. She did needles all in my face today and some in front legs, this was totally different. she was treating the tooth points and my shoulders so we’ll see how I feel for the next while. She did agree to giving me the Tramadol and so I just had some a little while ago. It comes in capules and I need half a capsule at a time and so apparently the stuff tastes really bad so Dr Deb said to mix in something super concentrated in flavor, like now get this Pina Colada mix, no rum of course. hhehe, it wasn’t bad I didn’t get mad or nothing. Mamma had a pina colada too but hers didn’t have the kick mine had. So I’m just waiting now to see how it makes me feel

I am feeling pretty sucky though and I crawled over onto Mamma’s lap from beside her on the couch so now she’s got me resting on her chest with my head on her shoulder while she is typing for me. I’m feeling kinda sleepy so I think I’ll have a nap.

Mamma discussed what happened the other night and Dr Deb has no idea what it was and she was surprised I pulled through it. Mamma asked what should she do if it happened again and I don’t know why she said this but she said to wait for my heart to stop!! OMG I don’t think so, Mamma did think I was going out, but no way, I’m glad she did give me that herb I think it did help calm me but you know if I was gonna kick the bucket it would have been then I guess. I supose I’m just not done yet with all I got to do. So mamma asked her to listen to my heart and lungs and she said its hard with buns to hear much in the heart, its so fast anyway they can’t count the beat, its more like a rhythm, but she did say mine sounded a wee bit like a gallop and that is a bit unusual. My lungs sounded clear, but Mamma thinks my breathing is a bit more rapid, but that would be the pain.

So Dr Deb thinks the pain is in my jaw, when she was working on that area I was very reactive and after our session she had all this pain in her arms which is unusual for her but she wondered if some transference was going on. Xrays are being ordered, but we got to wait to see when I can be fit into Dr Dave’s schedual. We’ll get my jaw and tooth roots looked at as well as a body scan. Mamma figures we should see how everything looks if we’ll be doing the others.

Throughout the last two weeks I have barely been smoochin, just enough so Mamma knows I want to stay with her, but right now this second I am smoochin all over Mamma’s face, I think that Tramadol is making me feel affectionate! LOl, I feel very sleepy and mamma’s neck is a good place to snooze, but i’ve got to wake up enough to smooch on her I have missed that so much. Mamma says we are not gonna worry about my speical herb for a day or two, we’ll see if I’ll eat if the Tramadol has me feeling better, then we’ll see if we got to continue with that. For now I’ll stay on my Yucca and Glucosamine, Mamma does think I am improving, but it should be so much better now with the extra help (Pina Coladas!!)

Its been a long couple of weeks, things have to get better, I’ve been stuck in my PJs for days, I guess maybe tomorrow I’ll actually get dressed proper for the day!! I got a couple new shirts from my Aunti Paula, she FedExed them I bet she was worried I might not be here when they got here if she mailed them. She is so amazing, like  a second Mommy just so far away. and I got the sweetest letter from my friend Minxie in the UK late last week too and today I got a cute little surprise from BooBoo, what a sweetie she and her Mamma are. So hopfully tomorrow I’ll be up for some photos, I’ve not been up for the camera for a while now and I don’t want Mamma taking pics of me when I look and feel so bad, I’d rather my friends remember me cute and lovely, not sad and in pain.

So my Sweeties, I’m still in the game for today anyway. wish me luck with this pain med, I hope I won’t be too sleepy on it, that’s no fun either. I wonder if I’ll eat, I know Mamma has her fingers crossed, if not, Mamma may just have to put in a special herb patch in the garden. I don’t know how that will go over with our neighbour, he’s a retired cop!!! mamma says she hates relying on others, especially if they don’t understand the importance of caring for such a special bun,maybe lots of people would think its silly or stupid, but Mamma says when there is something that will make suffering stop or at least be bareable until healing can happen, then she has to do what she can. Other wise she’d always wonder if she tired hard enough or really gave me a chance, especially since it is obvious I still got the drive to stay.Sometimes she really feels alone when it comes to the figuring out the options for me, thank goodness for Bunspace, many of you have been such an invaluable source of information and of course support. I don’t know if we’d have kept at this so hard had we been truly alone. Thank you sweeties you have helped me way more than you could possible know. ((smoochess)) xox T and Mamma

OMG how could I forget, Puds was on LOL bunnies today, she is a bit pissed though, she hoped her second submission would have been included with the first photo, the second one was of one of her stuffie babies head first in the water dish! She was a bit Mad we were all going out to the movies and she had to stay home, drowing her own babies was her way of showing the magnitude of her discontent. I guess the lol people didn’t want to show a bunny’s capacity for violence!! LOL it is funny though. She truly is a drama Queen that one!!

Hi my Bunny friends…

Oh my goodness, I don’t know where to start? OK, the last few days have been going along and Mamma has been holding her breath nearly hopin and prayin that there has been some improvement. Well we both think that there has been. I am almost afraid to say so, but I will and hopefully that will make it real. But its still tough as well. My herb has been working good every 3 1/2 to 4 hours to make me nibble and keep me from grinding any teeth. Mamma has not let me go longer to see what happens cause its just too hard on me to get me comfortable again. THe Metacam is still barely doing it for me and only for 10hours so Mamma has decied on Monday to ask Dr Deb for some Tramadol for me, for a while at least while we are waiting for this Yucca stuff to work and the Glucasamine/Condroitin.

Sadly I have had a few more seizures, until last night they were just little ones and they were over quick and I recovered quickly as well, If Mamma hadn’t been holding me she may have never have known I had them. I know Mamma is still very worried and I can feel it, but she has been very calm since we had “the Talk”

Well we have hit a glitch in our plan. Mamma didn’t realize I would be going through so much herb since I’m getting it so often and it has been working so well.  On Thursday she realized I was gonna run out. so she has been trying to get some more, but where she gets it, they have been away. Finally yesterday she got through and hoped she could get some yesterday but it didn’t happen and I ran out. So calmly Mamma decided to split the high dose of metacam into two and give it to me 12 hours apart to get me through until MOnday. Well my vets have been adament about Mamma not doing this before, but what else could she do? Mamma did some googling and has seen reference to several rabbit people doing this so she is hopin for short period its OK. Well the wierd thing is she had only one dose of the herb left and last night I managed to slide past the 4 hour point without needing it so Mamma waited until bed and gave me the Metacam and saving the herb.

Well we went to bed like any other night. Mamma was holding me while I was in my little pet bed and I was snuggled up into her and she usually does some Reiki and we listen to music while we drift off. Some nights I might chew on some salad. Well suddenly Mamma wakes up, she had fallen asleep while she was still holding me and I was going crazy, I was clawing the air and her like I was trying to drag myself out of my grave!! Mamma threw on the light and my eyes were huge and I was grinding my teeth like mad. She hadn’t rolled on me or anything like that and she had no idea what was happening, but she grabbed me and held me close to her chest so I couldn’t hurt myself and I was breathing so fast it was 4 or 5 times what I should have been breathing. She could feel my heart pounding so fast it was vibrating in my chest so fast it was sending pain down Mamma’s arm while she held me. She was spookily calm through all of it and I could hear her whispering her goodbyes to me, telling me again all the things she loved and admired about me. She talked about Minnie and B and how happy they would be to see me and how everything would OK. I listened to every word, she kept me ancored to life while eveything else was racing, I though for sure I was going to explode, but I felt her arms holding me tight and I knew she was doing her energy thing trying to calm me. WE stayed like that for half an hour at least and finally Mamma asked me if I could manage to take some of my herb with the banana so she went down to make it for me. when she came back I was still racing but I did manage to get the stuff down my gob when she syringed it in. An hour later I was starting to calm down a bit and finally this morning my breathing and heart rate are normal. Mamma held me for hours until she finally couldn’t stay awake but the crisis was finally subsiding.

So I wake up here again today and there was no tooth grinding, but its time for that split dose of Metacam in 15 minutes, I hope Mamma gives it me. So I won’t nibble this morning, it seems I really do need that herb for that but its been 7 hours since i had any so there is nothing left to stimulate my appetite. I was very scared and I don’t know what happened,but I hope it never happens again. We’ll see what happens today, I sure wish I had my herb though xox T

Mamma here~ OMG I thought that was it, I really thought she was going to have a heart attack. How can such a sick little thing have her heart race and her breathing go so fast for so long and survive? I don’t understand it how her body can contain it, I thought surely she’d explode. I said my goodbyes because that was all I could think to do, to just be there for her and comfort her the best I could. Thankfully I realized that last dose of the herb and it took nearly an hour, but it did calm her brought her closer to normal. It was a long scary night, but all I can figure is that she had seizure. I’d done some reading and from what I could gather, normally when people and I was assume animals have a seizure, at first they become of aware of an altered feeling or sometimes pain, then a switch goes off and the next thing they are aware of is the after feeling and very often its pain. But I think maybe Trinket was aware for hers throughout it, it reminded me of when we had to put Minnie down, that last second of awareness and then what I perceived as fear. Those few seconds haunts my memory, it was eerily similar. So I wonder if she may have had some kind of altered sensation along with the pain that freaked her out. It was more of a fear reaction she had as opposed to pain, and I think the pain was a result of her body’s reaction to the fear. I don’t know for sure, I’m in unchartered territoty here. I’ve been through a lot with my buns but this is all so unfamilar to me, I feel lost and confused. Last night I struggled with trying to help her through it and taking her in at 4am to be PTS. Monday she sees Dr Deb, I’ll go over all this with her and see what she thinks. We haven’t brought the big guns to try and manage the seizures so that is still an option. I just can’t help but taking each day and trying to do the best I can so if she does pull through, there may still be hope for a quality of life and happiness. The glucosamine treatment is two months away from us knowing any impact, it feel crazy in some ways to treat her for something that we won’t see results for that far along, but we have to start somewhere and I know how strong she is, I don’t understand it but I do reconize it.

So the absolute weird thing is that through all of this I am calm, somewhat detached and disconnected but I think its my way of coping. I didn’t cry last night or freak out at all, it was a little fuzzy for a bit but I stayed like a rock, almost shut down so I could do what I had to. I have a feeling when the tears do start I won’t be able to stop them so I do what I have to for now and I’ll worry about that later. Its time for T’s morning Mash and her Metacam so far so grinding, she is resting quite a bit but we just went through Hell not so long ago so I guess its to be expected, but I did just get a kiss, a small glimmer of hope that she wants me to  continue…

Hi Kiddies…

Well we are into day two with this Yucca thing and Mamma is not sure yet if its doing anything, she figures its gonna take a few days to really know. Yesterday she managed to keep me out of tooth grinding zone most of the day so it was easier for me to handle. She has noticed that even the higher dose of Metacam isn’t as effective as she wishes it was, I don’t know yet if she will go higher yet, I guess she’ll want to talk to my vet first before she goes higher again.

Well even through all this I did have an adventure yesterday. I went a special babies blessing! It was so nice to celebrate life instead of waiting, well for you know… You see Daddy couldn’t go and he really wanted to make it, but he had to take the load the boss offered or he’s still be at home for another week so I just had to go in his place, I hope I get to tell him all about it. Anway the babies Mamma, Andrea is a good friend of mine. She is a reflexologist and she used to come to my Mamma’s store where I was the Supervisor/Hostess and we had this lovely Oasis room in the back where services like hers and Reiki were offered. She used to do sound therapy and energy work on her clients too and I always liked to sit under the Reiki table and soak in the extra energy in the room. Every time she came which was once a month I go hoppin down to hall to go greet her and I sit up on hind legs to say hi, I Love Andrea, she always made me feel so good. I always helped her set up and if she accidently closed the door with me on the outside I’d sometimes thump until she let me in or I’d sit there patiently looking at the door. So naturally I was so pleased to be able to go to the special blessing for her second baby.

It was very neat, there was an Native Healer and his wife conducting the ceremony and they gave baby Henry a special Indian name that the Healer got through a vison, “White Eagle” Wow, that sounds like a powerful name! Anway we were all outside in a circle and everybody said a special blessing for the baby, I sat in my pink carrier and chewed on some salad while I watched. Then we all had our pictures taken too then it was time to go in and eat.

OMG, there were 5 little furless things~ noisy toddlers~ Human children Oh my they are busy little things, but very noisy. I sat on the back of the couch by the window and the little kids were very good to come over quiet and touch me gentle on the face. I was a sweet girl and did not complain. I used to enjoy meeting new people at Mamma’s store and I even liked the little kids if they were behaved, I miss those days, all the people lovin on me and going on about how cute I was

Well even the adults came over and would sit on the couch beside me and Mamma was across the room mingling with other guests and the people sat with me and some chatted me up a bit, I’d listen and nod in agreement every so often. There was no point talking too much I don’t know how many of them spoke Buniease. But I made the effort to be interested in each person that sat with me. Mamma knew I looked really sick though, but everyone pretended not to notice. I chewed on a bit more salad and Mamma even brought me a dose of special herb which I needed to have while we there. Andrea was very pleased I was there even though Daddy couldn’t come. All the people knew before hand a special bunnyw as coming and almost everyone was quite interested and sweet and asked lots of questions about me. But the weirdest thing was not one person made a weird or stupid bunny joke trying to be funny,you know the kind I mean about how tasty wer are! It was shocking but oh so heart warming!!

Oh I guess I was a big hit, it really helped I was dressed up in my pink camo dress and everyone loved my cute little diaper, OMG what gets some humans going!? Its just a diaper!!

So then we got home and I relaxed most of the evening. Mamma put me down on the floor to scoot around for a bit, last night was the first night ever I didn’t go out to see Gracie, I just sat under the exercise machine in the dining room until it was time for bed. Then mamma let me lay on her chest for ages and she gave me a little massage on my shoulders and she noticed I’d lean away cause of the pain, but she was gentle and she did some Reiki too and then some while later I finally relaxed and gave her a bunch of kisses and then we went to sleep.

This morning I did grind my teeth a bit and it woke up Mamma so we got up and I got my first dose of the herb for today. I am munching on my salad right now while Mamma is typing for me. Soon it will be time for my Mash and my Medicine Cocktail, hopefully today will be a wee bit better than yesterday painwise that is.

Thank you so much to all of you for still loving me, I know it must be so depressing just waiting on a friend to pack it in. But I am quite strong still and very stuborn so I don’t plan to go until I absolutly must and Mamma has done a good job keeping my organs working good despite the decline in my body. I keep all of you in my heart and it gives me this miraculous strength! xox T

Hey Kiddies…

Well, I’m sorry its been a few days since I’ve updated yous on how I’ve been doing since the tooth trim. Well I hate to say, its been a rough week. The first few days I was so happy to not have my mouth hurt and with the help of my herb, I was able to nom on a bit of salad. I guess since then, the pain that has started in last few weeks seems to be getting the better of me. So it makes sense this whole arthritis thing or least pain from all my stress points on my body now, so Mamma has decided to go ahead and treat for arthritis, at this point its not going to harm me maybe give me a bit of a chance of more comfort. Mamma has been hopin to maintain me with just the herb and only giving me the Metacam when things get real bad, but it hasn’t been working so good. Finally Mamma has figured out that once the pain sets in, its so hard for me to settle down again and get the meds working. My regular dose of Metacam is like taking nothing, so Mamma is gonna have to up to closer to the maximum dose. This scares Mamma so much with the whole tummy ulcer potential and stress to the kidney, but the herb only lasts 4 hours and I wake up in the middle of the night really restless and grinding my teeth. So the new plan is a big dose of Metacam before bed as it only seems to last 12 hours and then I get the herb every 4 hours all day long.

So Mamma finds if I get my herb before I have my mash, I nibble a bit on my own while I’m waiting for my breaky or my dinner, but I’m not eating enough to amount to much. So the last few days have been particularly hard for me and Mamma says I look very sad. I have hardly been smoochin and have started givin her a hard time when its time to eat, I can tell both Mamma and Daddy have been very sad and worried.

Daddy had a little talk with me a few days ago, he told me that when I wanted to just rest it was OK and I didn’t have to keep on fighting if I didn’t want to. Then Mamma finally had “her talk” with me last night. Its a big relief for me to know she is finally ready to let me go when I want to let go of this body. She is still sticking that syring in my face though. I listened while she talked for quite a while and she was very brave and didn’t cry. She told me how much loved me, how inspired she was by MY strength and courage, OMG Mamma, we are team, I couldn’t have done it without her.  She held me the longest time and explained to me what she thought would happen when it was time to exit this life. I layed very still and very quiet and took in all she said and I could feel the pain whelling up in her, but it didn’t scare me, I knew it was coming from her love, and it lights the way for me. Mamma says that over the last two years my spirit has been growing and shining so bright that it can nolonger be contained by my mortal body, that eventually my body will fade entirely so I can become like a brilliant sun. She says I am something like a Sun that dies and goes super nova, the physical part of the sun is gone but the brillant light just keeps going outward into space for light years. I will be gone for some time but my light will shine on forever, I will never truly disappear, part of me will always be here.

So finally she asked me how I would I let her know when and if I needed help making my exit. she finally went quiet for a bit then she knew. I’d withhold my kisses. As long as I can kiss her, she will fight for me to stay, but when I really can’t bear to go on and my body holds me prisoner, I’ll go inward and let my love fall away. It breaks my little bunny heart to not kiss my Mamma, but even over this last few days, I am getting weaker and weaker with my kisses. Finally when she was done telling me all she had been afraid to say for the longest time, I did finally kiss her for the first time in several hours. “sigh”

This morning was still difficult and the pain was really biting in. I did manage to nibble a few leaves of cilantro but when it was time for my mash Mamma had to give up the last few syringes since I was so miserable. Mamma had to go to the Hare Dresser again and this time I didn’t get to go in with her But Daddy was still home so I got to snuggle with him in the truck while we waited and I did eat some on my own. He gave me my lunch time dose of my herb too. After we all went for a stroll and it was nice actually.

So when we got home we found out Daddy has finally got a run after being home almost two weeks and will be gone a few weeks maybe, I was very tired and sore and I couldn’t kiss when he asked me, but he wasn’t mad, he said it was OK, he knows how much I love him. I sure hope he’ll be home soon again, Mamma told him she’d continue to work hard to keep me here if I want to stay.

So Mamma has come up with a new plan. She was reading that Yucca is supose to be really good at relieving inflamation and pain with arthritis, and she has switched my glucosamine to a Glucosamine/ Condroitin blend which she hopes will be even more effective, but the Glucosamine will take a few months, but the Yucca should start working soon to help if it will. “sigh” I told Mamma I was game for the new plan by smoochin on her for a while. I had my first dose just tonight so we’ll see how tomorrow goes, we are both hoping it will be better than its been the last few days. I tried very hard and ate all my dinner without giving her a hard time. So now its time to rest. I love you guys so much my sweeties!! xox T

Mamma here~ I just wanted to say that I feel so much better now that I’ve finally had the talk with T. Dr Deb asked me to the last time she got really ill, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every time I’d try to say the words or even think them in my mind, my throat would swell and I felt like I’d stop breathing, I just couldn’t. I was so afraid if I said those words to her, she’d expire before my eyes, and I still couldn’t bring myself to let go of her. I’ve read about how animals can linger and stay for the longest time because their humans can’t let go, well I have no doubt, I am the weak link in our team, but she gives me courage by her strength. I do beleive her love is so great she’d stay just for me. Somehow I think I’ve cleared the air and released the fear and now I feel ready to dig in to the new plan, my last hope. I emailed both her veta to update them, but I missed Deb’s call. I’ll wait a few days and see how the Yucca goes and the new regime with the higher dose of Metacam. T is so incredibly strong, its truly miraculous, but I am afaid it will be her curse in the end. I don’t want her to suffer, but I really don’t want to euthanize her if I can possible prevent it. I’ve PTS all my bunnies but two of them and each one was a tramatic experience, for us and the bunny. I will walk through fire to make it different for her. I’ve learned so much in that last year, there just has to be a better way. Dr Deb once told me that when the animals become very weak, acupunture can be administered to move a huge amount of chi that gives them a short ralley, and then they expire usually in their sleep. She told me they will eat, maybe play or go for a walk or just seam like they have suddenly recovered and then they are gone. That’s what I want for Trinket, but I don’t know if she is still a candidate for that kind of treatment with her physical wasting. Its a fine moral line as its not the standard offically accepted form of assisted death, but I think that it sounds like the kindest thing I could give her, If and when it comes to that. I am hoping by me letting go that she will be able to just drift off when its right for your. But for today I still have hope, I don’t know for how long, but I think Trinket is sharing it with me. When I held her tonight and explained about all the treatments we have been doing and I talked to her about the Yucca and why it was different from everything else, and then I asked her if she still wanted to try, she smooched me more vigerous then she has in days, so I can only take that as a yes. I know she understands a lot of what I talk to her about, I beleive she has made her own choice. I try to give her that when I am brave enough to.

OK super long as usual, I just wanted to let you wonderful friends know where we are at. I am sorry its not better news, but even small hope is still hope. xox Mamma