Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

This is from my bunspace blog

Well its been over a week now since Trinket left and I getting through the days, but its work. I still have periods of intense sadness and I’ll cry at nothing, but then seem to be able to get on ok for a while again. I know this is going to take time.

So I guess many of you have heard about the first adventure with Puds and Gracie that we had on Saturday. It actually didn’t go too bad considering it was their very first outting and only the second time on a harness. But Puds did have a mental break down on Sunday and it was enough to put me over the top too. I had to laugh at her running up the stairs flicking her feet at me and falling up as she went because she was so upset, she was only making it worse for herself. I swear I could hear her yelling “I hate you I hate I hate you”. Never words I thought I’d feel from any bun of mine, but it is Puds we are talking about. When she went into emotional overload on Sunday because I did not have the salad served up at precisley the first 10 seconds that they were out of bed, by the time the end of the day rolled around, I was an emotional mess. I don’t know what the heck hit me, but everything did. I feel so bad for Puds I think she might have some issues with her ability to handle her emotions. I sometimes wonder if she would be the human eqivulant to being developmentally challenged. For the most part she is a happy bun, somewhat oblivious most of the time, other when she gets angry or upset, then you better duck because something will be about to happen.

Finally around supper time, her hunger strike ended and Gracie eased into being her normal self, I really think that Gracie is one smart cookie. She knew she had to be the emotional support for Puds through it all so she only ate on the sly when Puds wasn’t around. For the most part, every time I approached them with apologies or with food they would take off but slinking back after I left to eat my offerings. Today is fianlly back to normal!! so I’ve come to this realization that they both may be feeling immense pressure by my neediness and my loneliness. I know the house feels so empty and gloomy and I know they are so sensative to the energy of us humans. I still think Gracie is up for it, I think she would appreciate being adored and doted on 24/7, but Puds likes her balance between care and neglect. It has to only be on her terms. So we may have a battle of wills as I am not yet willing to give up on her.

I couldn’t bare bringing home another bunny baby right now, its too soon and it would break my heart to think I could blow any chance of every having Trinket’s spirit back with me, so I will wait for a sign I guess, an urgency so strong that I cannot deny it then I will proceed. For now the two Hellbun are going to have to lay down their pitch forks!

Trinket will be coming home soon. I am anxiously awaiting the call. A special urn has been made for her, comissioned by Gimli’s Dad. I have finally been able to look at a picture of it and its so perfect, but I want to wait to show all you until she is in it and back at home with me. I hope having that urn here with her ashes may help me feel a bit more closure, as I am still feeling so lost. Gimli’s Dad has been such a sweet heart, a real gem too and his thoughtfulness and deep consideration has made something that will truly be perfect for such an exceptional girl. I also was informed by my vet that he had made a donation toward her outstanding vet bill. All the staff at the vet’s office already knew how deeply Trinket was loved, but I think they are quite in shock at magnitude of her reach. never have they seen such a generous communtiy of people reaching out to help a bunny and her family. I really can’t wait to see their reaction to her urn I know that just the idea of it coming all the way from California to Ontario has them in awe, wait until they see it. Its really one of kind for a one of a kind girl. Even beyond the end I have found a good friend trying to ease my stress and pain. Thank YOU.

Today I received a parcel from Trinket’s best friend Tasha and her parents. I called down the girls who were sleeping upstairs under the chair in the office, but they wanted no part of it. Too bad because there was lots of tissue paper and they love that. But anyway, getting this parcel open was like going on a journey. First in teh big box I found this beautifully wrapped present. All the colors were T’s favorite and it had pink ribbon and a big pink bow. I just sat with it for a while, I didn’t want to open it at first. Just its prettiness was enjoyment enough, but somehow I knew the contents could be hard for me to find. After a while I took off the paper and found that the box itself was gorgeous and beautiful. I knew right away where ever was inside would be preicous but also that box will be perfect for keeping her chair and her clothes in. I had mentioned to Dave I needed a hope chest to put all her things in, I want to keep them in  honorable and beautiful manner so I can open and go in a journey of remembering her. “sigh”

Finally I felt ready to go on and I lifted the lid, there on top was  large envelope so I pulled out this beautiful picture. Its Tasha under a star lit sky with little Benny and Jetty

When I read the words, I couldn’t hold it back and I sat there and cried and cried. It touched a special place in me really knowing that Trinket will go on, and her story will be told. I feel so hopeful knowing her story will go on like that light of the star, long after she is gone. Just this beautiful picture was treasure enough, but there was more. I lifted a sheet of tissue filled with all these little gems and underneath was a picture of Trinket framed in a lovely frame. When I went to lift it out, music began to play and realized it was a music box. Tears again falling quickly and my throat squeezing shut I sat speachless holding this wonderful memory of my sweet angel while softly “You are my Hero” played from within the box.

My beautiful girl surrounded in all her favorite colors and the sparkles of the night sky!! Inside the box was just as special, for in there I found this precious bunny sitting on a pillow of stars.

So I’m sad and happy all at the same time, its a strange feeling. Sharing love truly does keep us from ever being alone.

So its been an emotional few days, very strange indeed, but I know this is all part of the process. I have still been spending a lot of time sitting out on the deck late at night, sitting in the dark, burning candles looking up into the sky talking to her. I can’t seem to stop talking to her. I never realized how much I talked to her when she was here and some how I can’t stop now, it feels so strange to ignore her or where she would have been. I have a picuture of her framed by the bed and I kiss her good night and good moring and take a few minutes to just gaze at her and remember how she felt when I held her. Today I went for groceries the frist time out in the truck alone without her, I cracked the windows and told her I’d be back soon. Insane I hope not, I am still going through those motions that were such an automatic thing. I know she is gone but for now I still need to honor her as was, for a while longer anyway.

I’m still making my way through the condolences, so I have not forgotten anybun yet, and I hope I don’t becasue I do really want to take the time to address each message as they all mean so much to me. But I am finding I can only do so many in a day before feeling so emotionally drained so I’ve decided to be OK with how long it takes, I know you all understand. But this process feels good and I find each day I less erratic in my emotions, now its mostly just a numb kind of feeling for the most part, with some bunny drama thown in to keep rooted! Thank you so much for helping me through this, it really is the hardest time I’ve had with saying good bye. xo Laura

This is from my bunspace blog

Sweet hearts, I am going to try very hard to not make anybun cry today. I feel so sad for all you that are so depressed here at bunspace these last days. I remember back quite a while ago, a time when all the sadness got to me as well, it seemed like every other day a precious bun was going to the bridge.  Well there are some weeks worse than other and they do add up, but its a small price to pay for all the wonderful memories and lovely stories. Its very hard to not get so attached to eachother buns, when we talk with each other often or when you see a bun’s face over and over again. We begin to feel like they are family after all they are inside our home day after day, even though its on a screen. I think it becomes very intimate, sharing so much in the voice of a humanized bunny but without all the nasty human qualities (usually anyway)Anyway I always felt like it was what good friends do, we stick together and help support eachother when stuff gets tough, with all that love moving around, eventually things get better and we’re all stronger for it and able to get back to sharing joy and laughs.  I think that is one of the reasons why bunspace is what it is and why is so much better than any other place we could be. I still feel like Trinket in alive inside my computer, like its another world I can come and visit to experience her again.

I forgot to mention something very moving to me. The day Trinket passed over a single red poppy bloomed in her garden, it took several more days for any others to bloom, but we had planted them way late and I didn’t expect them to bloom at all this year, I hoped the seeds would come up next year. Poppies are very special to me and of course a strong symbol of rememberance. I like to think of it as her way to reminding me to remember all that she was that was unexpected.

Trinket’s Aunti Sherri E’s funeral was quite something. She is jewish and I had never attended a jewish funeral so I quite taken with the beauty of the symbolism. I’d like to share a bit here that I learned just becasue I was so moved by the experience and of course by the life of this amazing man. I know its not bunny related and if this content makes anyone uncomfortable I am so sorry, its not my intention.  Her father was a Holocaust survivor that also spent time in two concentration camps, one of them being Auschwitz. He survived that to just be put in an internment camp for a year here in Northern Canada when he arrived just before the war ended. There he endured more of the same just without the Nazis. Eventually their camp was assisted by a tribe of Cree Indian which helped them to survive teaching them how to survive off the land. He became an honorary Cree as well. Once he obtained freedom through a generous sponsor he began a life of freedom here in Canada. It amazes me that someone could actaully survive such a life and this man kept his strong spirit and kindness intact. As a child he had a beautiful voice and was known for his singing. In the camps then in his early twenties at one point Hitler learned of his skill and found entertainment in forcing this man to sing sacred jewish songs over the ditches filled with bodies. I can only speculate that this was in attempts to break them spritually. With this history this man later became a Cantor, which is a singer of the sacred songs in temple, its a very honored postion in their temple. This man served as Cantor or over 30 years and taught over 500 young people their songs for their Bar and Bat Mitzfas. It was quite amazing to hear this man’s life story told in his tribute. I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing this experience, as it really her story not mine, but i wanted to honor what we took from it. I don’t think I’ll be the same person as I was the day before we went.

I knew this funeral would be a hard one, especially after loosing T so soon. Somehow I felt so lost not having her on our road trip so I did the best thing I could, I brought one of her Tshirts with me. I felt like I at least had a symbol of her close, it did comfort me. My friend held up very well, T would have been so proud of her. Its not easy saying good bye to a father, its even harder to say good bye to such an honored one.

Sorry about the history lesson, it just made me feel so hopeful and proud to know there are some of us people too that somehow learn to survive the most autrociaous acts of hatred and war and not only survive, Flourish! It made me think of Trinket through the whole thing. I know was only a rabbit, and cannot compare to such a thing as a Holocaust survivor, but I saw in her a strength I feel I personally lack and I hope by being witness to it in her I can some how take it into myself. I guess I mean to say, if we are open to reconizing miracles we can find them in the most unlikely of places. It was so strange how this all worked out, It was Trinket’s decline approaching the end that brought about our reunion, and for her only to survive a few days and then pass in time  that when my friend needed us the most we could be there. Life works in the most mysterious of ways and I cannot shake the feeling that she somehow knew.

Oh and you know I had to call Puds and Gracie from the road when were a few hours from home, i know they hang out in the maze very near the answering machine so they would both hear the message. Gracie is so funny, as everytime she hears her name her head will pop out of the maze with her ears all intent to see if she can hear the treat bag! LOL They did great out free all day, over 13 hours, not new carpet plucked and not too many poo balls out of place, I was so proud!!

Ok, maybe i can’t keep the promise of no tears. I also realized updating T’s profile that I somehow missed posting a beautiful video made for her by Sussy and her Mom in mid April. I’ve watched a few times over the last few days and I realize that it was really ment to be a memorial video not just  a regular tribute. The music is so lovely and it brought tears again but alot of comfort too knowing Trinket has been so known and loved. I feel the more people that have loved her the greater her impact and her gift to us has been. It makes all the loss and all the tears worth it, every last one. So here it is only months late in its showing, I hope you can watch it and just feel the love, not the tears,

This is from my bunspace blog

I wanted to let you guys know that me and Dave are coming along. There are less tears out of nowhere, but they still come when I read the comments and watch the videos or look at old photos. But even through the tears I still can’t bare to not see her, even if only in pictures. I’m only sleeping with the stuffed bunny now, I can get through the day without holding it so I guess that is progress.

The vet visit with the dog went well, she has an upper respiratory infection and needs antibiotics and we got her some estrogen for her incontinence and we’ve started Metacam for mild arthritis. Too bad there wasn’t a cure for the drooling and farting. Well with that huge releif we also got a tremendous surprise. There is a Bunspace Angel, a person with a heart so rich with love and kindness, who has paid for Trinket’s special Cremation!! This was such a beautiful and thoughtful gesture in doing this, and it kept our bill from going over the top of that freakout number that I have in my head, LOL. Thank YOU, Thank YOU so much, you have truly touched us. The girl who informed me is just so blown away with shock that people we have never met personally would do such a thing and anonomously at that!! She can hardly beleive that such a place as bunspace exists with such amazing and with caring people.

I also found a surprise in my email today as well, notification that another Bunspace Angel has gifted our family with a whole years VIB!!! OMG, Trinket will not fade away into the archives of bunspace!! Thank you so much for helping me to continue to share her with you!! I feel like she has been helped to be raised by this entire community of people and buns that all love her. If only our families and our closest “real world” friends could be so thoughtful and sensative to eachother!

Wembly and his Dad have made another song for my sweet Girl and I have been working on my own Tribute to Trinket all afternoon. The computer went nuts today and I thought I fried my hard drive when for awhile none of the programs would work or open properly, but this evening I finally have things working and have managed to upload to YOUtube. I hope you will be comforted too by what  I think are some of her greatest insites to life. My wonderful girl showed us all so much and somehow I was able to tap into what I think she’d want me to share with you. So its more like her Tribute to Life than my trubute to her.  Thank you so much for another beautiful song Mike and Wembly, I know I will be spending a lot of time watching it over and over again. Your beautiful music and soothing voice has helped bring me closer to  peace and acceptance. What an amazing gift of healing and love for Trinket, XO Laura

And if you haven’t cried enough, I also want to post a beautiful Tribute Video that Suzy Q and Mom did for Trinket as well. I cried and cried when I watched this the first time, but it was a good cry, theuraputic and cleansing so it was such a good thing. Thank you sweet hearts for such a lovely and sweet Tribute to “OUR” sweet Trinket.

So I won’t be around at all tomorrow. I just found out Trinket’s Aunti Sherri Ellen has lost her father just yesterday and the funeral is tomorrow, 3 1/2 hours away. She is unable to get there so Dave and I are taking her down so she can say her good byes and to try and be a support to her. I’m still a bit numb and scattered myself, but helping someone else will help me snap out of it!! Trinket would want me to be strong for her. Loosing a father is one of the hardest things in life, I remember, its still not been that long for me. So she joins me in orphanhood, a wounded child left to carry on alone in the world, no matter how old we get, its a challenging realization to be the last of your family line.

So don’t worry for me, I sucking it up and finding my way along a healing path. Surprisingly making this video of Trinket has really helped me a lot. Taking the time to contemplate her wisdom and strength has given me some freedom of the pain in the pit of my stomach, I think I can finally breath again tonight. I have been spending as much time outside in the dark under the stars as I can. I still cannot find her in the sky above me yet, but I know she is near. xo Laura

This is from my bunspace blog

Trinket’s Mamma here~ I hardly know where to begin again, I have been so overwhelmed with my emotions the last few days, but Bunspace has been such an enormous comfort to me and to Dave to see just how much love and compassion my sweet baby evokes from all of you. Even though reading through comments would often result in the break down of tears, I need to cry them out and when I read these beautiful and heartfelt messages, I feel like I am not crying alone. Thank you seems so inadequate, but there are the only words I can think of to say that I am grateful from the depts of my being for being so embraced by this wonderful community.

I though I was ready to let her go and even though she is gone, I am struggling with all my might to release my NEED to hold her, to kiss her and smell her sweet breath. Gracie and Puds, although I love them both dearly in the way one might love a Tazmanian Devil or an electric eel, I can take no comfort in holding them and kissing them. They have each other and they tolerate me to a point, but my soul craves, like the worst drug, that feeling of Trinket melting into me when I hold her. Each day as she declined further and further to the point of being a rag doll, I did not comprend the impact it would make on me physically, to physically ache without her so much, like I am missing an arm or some vital part of my own self. All I can see is all those way in which she is missing, but the worst is when I close my eyes. I try desperately to see her face and feel her when I take that time to go inward, and I cannot, I feel so utterly alone in those moments.

The first days was just brutal, both Dave and I breaking down over nothing, but at least taking that time to embrace the pain for the joy of having loved her so deeply. She was everything to us and every aspect of the day and everything we did evolved around HER. Even the simplist of task required planning and consideration of her, like going to the store. She was with me always, only apart for me for a total of a few hours of the last months. She was a rabbit in fur only and for such a long time I always thought of her as my companion, a true friend and partner. I know it seems bizzare, but I am sincere in that statement, for me that bond was real and deep. It was one sould being loving another. She was never like something that I possessed or owned, but was always a people who happened to look quite different and didn’t speak my language, but we learned to understand eachohter and of course love eachother.

That first night going to bed seemed impossible. Dave was exhausted so he fell asleep quickly but snored restlessly and each time I closed my eyes I fought to capture a glimps of her or a sense of her near me and I felt desperate to be without her, so empty. I can only equate it to like the Dementor’s Kiss in Harry Potter, I feel like I could never be cheerful again. Not like being happy would betray her, just that any happiness I had in me went with her when she died. For hours I laid there with the interanl dialouge rambling on in my mind, talking to her, telling her how much I loved her and how awestruck I was by her impact in my life. I beleive she can still know my thoughts, but it is I that is alone and disconnected now that the veil of life and death seperates us. Why do I beleive that? I don’t know really, its just something I have always held in my heart so until I know otherwise I will continue to talk to her when I feel weight of the lonliness smothering me.

Finally I got up and went to bunspace, even though I feel unable to yet correspond and speak with her voice as I once did, I read and reread all the beautiful words that you have written for her and for me. Finally i had my big break down cry and sobbed like I have never before, letting each tear be a tribute to my devoiton and love for her. I still hold my anguish in my throat and wrestle to keep it there even now as I type this. After the last tear, I went out to sit on the deck. It has been storming here the last few days. Since she died, its been raining and thundering and then short periods of calm again. I can’t help but think its like Mother Earth crying along with me for she is gone from this physical realm. The rain so much the tears we all shed. So in the wee hours of the night I went out in hopes to find a star, but it was foggy and so overcast not even the moon could be seen. So i sat in utter darnkness on rain sodden rocking chair and just laid back to look up into the sky. Even in that darkness I soon could see the world going on around me, so full of life and activity. The bats swooping through the night sky capturing the bugs and I soon could hear the loons out on the lake.  At first it seemed like silence, but it was the human world that was silenced so now the nautral world became awake and alive. I could hear the coyotees off in the distance yelping and crying while the trees over head would shudder in the breeze and rain down upon me. Again I felt like nature was sharing my grief, crying along with me. Some how sitting there in the dark shut off from the roar of humanity, I hoped I could hear a whipser of her in my mind, but I could not. In the past when I have lost loved ones, it was always those first days that the shocking realization of the disconnection was so apparent. In these days I wouldn’t be able conjure the images or visions of them, I’d be truly alone and without them. But once my anguish diminished it would be then I’d always receive a special dream or fleeting vison or sign of them to say that they were OK and then reconnection of the love. So I’ve come to beleive that hanging on to the pain is what keeps me disconnected from her, but for now I need to honor her and our love through the experience of that pain. I hope I will not linger here long or over indulge this need to internalize this pain to the deepest part of myself, but I have always believed that pain is the equal intesnity of the love, I guess I think of it as joy but with barbs.

Finally I was able to go to sleep at 4 am, thankfully last night was easier so I guess the exhaustion is finally taking over enough to force me to what I need to do, sleep. Gracie and Puds are somewhat at odds with the different energy in the house. That first night they were literally spooked at every little thing. When we came home from the vet we had showed them her shirt and her empty carrier, but i didn’t think they’d Need to see her body, but now I wonder if they are having trouble understanding her being gone. I do think the energy of our grief must be frightning for them to expereince and I hope as things calm down here and evolve into a new routine that they can once again relax and maybe then we’ll see how this changes them now that Gracie is the alpha. I keep telling them now that T is gone, it is their JOB to take care of the humans and that means some smooches! They both shake their heads in a mortified gesture, “NOOOOO” we’ll see as I am determined.

No other bunny could ever fill my heart the way Trinket does ( I still cannot say did) I know it would have been Trinket’s intention to pass the torch so to speak to Gracie and although they were rivals I think T always admired Gracies and will find her worthy of being the holder of the wisdom and the storyteller for our family. Trinket always intented that Tinkie Couture go on without her and I will although right now it pains me to even concieve of it. I will not blog as Trinket again unless if by some special message she gives me words to share with you. I think she may always have a few words for special friends when words of love and comfort are needed, but for right now I do not feel her words in me, I am isolated from her in my grief. She always amazed by her capacity to love. Anyone who held her and showed her respect, love and care, she would love back 100 fold, giving them kisses and all of her trust, even before she was really sick she was like that. I don’t think that is like a regular bunny at all, she truly is a special soul.

I am going to be taking a bit of a break from bunspace, I don’t know how long, I need to heal myself and being here is bitter sweet, its loving and amazing but at the same time its so hard becasue SHE IS still here in all of you. Your tribute to her by taking on her name in yours and her photos for your profiles has touched me like nothing else will ever again. You honor me and you honor her beyond anything I could ever declare as anything other than pure love, just like she was in life~ Thank YOU. Some dear sweet friend has honored us with another month of VIB and I am so grateful for you, Thank YOU! I knew the day would come soon when the membership would run out and all her photos and comments would disappear and it would be so much like her fading from me, the thought was quite painful, but for now every bit of money has to go to paying down the huge vet bill. Sady I couldn’t stay away even a day, Mato the old dog has to be seen today as she has developed a respitory infeciton and is coughing. It never ends so it seems I will be taking the time to come around and respond to each of you that have reached out with such kindness, please be patient with me, its going to take a while. I will be taking a systamatic approach to this with answering messages, nomie gifts, profile comments and then blog comments. Each and every word everyone of you have written has immense power and has brought comfort, please don’t ever think other wise. I hadn’t felt able to reply just yet, but I’m hoping soon I can begin to. I’ll still be lurking around somewhat but I need to withdraw from commenting as T had for  so long on her friend’s blogs.  I am sure I will struggle to feel Gracie’s unique voice. I’ve always thought of her as the wise old girl, who has come through homlessness and the trials of loosing all her children other than Puds. She is no stranger to fear and pain, but now has contentment and I hope soon that she will accept devotion and love as T did. I think it will take a while to find the words that I know are inside her.

As usual I can’t keep a blog short even though its not my intention to the be the run on queen. Thank you so much for helping me through this, its been harder than I thought. I hoped the relief would settle in my heart by now, but still a bit beyond my grasp just yet. I have found that if I hold this stuffie bun that has one of those heatable jell packs for a tummy, on my chest and shoulder where T would lay for hours, it comforts me on a physical level. It has the right amount of floppiness like her and the weight is sadly close too. No beating heart or sweet kisses, but for now I am clinging to this substitute. I feel like a little girl dragging this toy around with me, but for now its all I have while I learn to be in a world without her. I hope the rain will stop soon so I too can look to the sky and in contemplation of her rebirth and maybe catch of glimps of her in all her wonder. Carole thank you for that gift, that idea of her as a star to shine on forever, too far to behold her body, but still basking in her glorious light.

Much love, xo Laura

Laura here~ Well its only taken me a few month to finish setting up my Esty site, but now it done! So here are all the prints I have available and all the artist cards as well. So I guess I had better finish the painting I still have on the easel that has been there since November at least!

Its been tough staying creative with all that has been going with Trinket my sick little furbaby. I don’t want to miss out on anything with her and when I’m in creation mode I usually shut off the entire world and become very obsessive compulsive to the detriment of everything else. At least getting my Etsy site finally set up, I feel like i am moving in the right direction and hopefully I can start getting some new jewelry pieces made and some painting now that spring is here to inspire me! Thanks for reading, I hope you’ll check out all my art! Just click on any of the links in the wiget below and you’ll be at my Etsy site.

I am home from the vet…

Well its as Mamma feared, I am doing quite poorly. I got more fluids and it did help me feel a bit better and I nibbled a couple pieces of parsley stem and then I took a little little bite of strawberry parfait, Mamma insisted I had to help her eat it and I tried but I had to have a short meditation after. I managed a few bites of kale too, but I’m back to my inner meditation. I am very very tired and I think I can see the meadows of the Rainbow Bridge from her when I close my eyes. I can see all my friends that are waiting there for me and they look so happy, part of me wants to be with them and part of me still wants to stay with Mamma. I can hear the breeze there and its calling me, it seems so peaceful and comforting, but I have to wait for Daddy, I want to see my Daddy…

I want to talk Mamma, to tell her my wishes, to remind her I’ll be OK, but she can’t hear me, her fear and her pain is too loud. Its taking  up all of her awareness, there is not room for faith. How can I help her become silent so she can hear me, I know she wants to, I’ll keep trying as long as I can.

Mamma here~

Trinket is at the cusp of this world and the next. I am speaking in metaphors because I am a dramatic person and I feel things in this kind of imagery, its my way of processing. The vet feels things are shutting down, her pulse is what she referred to as “Thready”, this is not good, its weak, but still deep in her body. Dr Deb wouldn’t even do any acupuncture today, moving the Chi at this point will finish her, she doesn’t have enough to sustain her as it is. After much discussion, its been agreed to cease all meds and treatments at this point. I will continue to syringe feed her and give her the fibreplex (she still is making miraculous poos) but that is it. Not even her ginger tea or kidney herbs or spleen herbs, nothing. It feel like giving up to me, but everything we continue to do is aiding in the depletion of what life force she has left. Deb thinks it’s the E. Cuniculi not the infection that gone on to a whole new level. T’s paralysis has spread to her splayed leg and now she is having even a harder time holding herself  up with her front. I thought this was due to her over all weakness with this not eating. But is not making sense is if it were a drug reaction on a drug she previously tolerated well, why isn’t she getting better now that she has been off it some time? The vet can’t answer that question. So I still have an appointment for her for Friday. Deb has asked me to to have “the” talk with T, to ask her what she wants, does she want to continue to fight or is the call of that beautiful meadow too alluring. How can I speak those words? I’ve been fighting to maintain that strength and hope for us both, having the talk feels like letting her go. I know I must but I haven’t the will yet.

She is reminding me of when my father died a few years back. It was less than a month after my mother killed herself and we watched my father decline, we thought it was just grief, but it was lung cancer that had spread to his liver and brain. We got him into hospital on the Monday and he died on the Thursday. His last days were eerily similar to Trinket days now. He just sat silent staring at the wall, he didn’t speak, he couldn’t eat, he just withdrew into himself. He had no will, no assets or savings, he left debt and he had gambled away all his retirement savings in one summer desperately trying to find that big win that would take care of his family forever and make his existence mean something. He was an addict, he didn’t know he was sick, even until the last week he thought he had a bad cold. My father was illiterate and had trouble understanding the doctor’s techno babble of his condition and up to the last days he really thought he’d be OK. The Wednesday before he took a steep decline, I had to quickly draw up a will so that I could take care of his affairs without legal hassle, it was that night I lay in his bed with him and told him he could break the promise I made him make to me when we found my mothers body, I had to tell him it was OK for him to go, to leave me alone with my grief for them both. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but the next day he lapsed into a coma and died 20 minutes after I got to the hospital. I held him as he died and I read to him a children’s story about forgiveness, Neale Walsh’s “The Little Soul and the Sun” He didn’t make to the end of story but I kept reading all the way to the end, I wanted his spirit to hear the ending, the revelation of forgiveness and love, it was my last gift that I give us both. I guess I’m still not finished grieving them either, each time I am faced with letting go I can still feel those bonds that still connect me to all those experiences.

Tomorrow I have to decide, if she is still here, if we should try one more round of Pancur before we hand it over to the Creator entirely. Previously these Pancur sessions were extremely hard on her system, I don’t know if she has enough to get through it. Both her were eyes are beginning to get cloudy over the last few weeks and she has been having ongoing irritation in both of them, today is particularly bad  with one weeping like crazy and her holding it closed. she gets her eyelash stuck to here so I have to keep trying to wipe it off her eye and then I give her a bit of eye lube. It saddens me to see her beautiful face covered gunky eye weepage. My beautiful little girl, my little miracle girl how will the world ever be the same with out her in it? I don’t think she is having pain, Dr Deb doesn’t either, but from time to time she will lapse into teeth grinding for a bit. Her sweet little voice is still humming when she is trying to rest, it comforts me to still be able hear her. I hope I can remember her voice and the feel of her sweet kisses. I think I have to have my break down soon so I can get through this without blowing, I feel like I am going to explode.

Its so weird, when I came to the realization in Jan that Trinket has her bladder infection and the dizziness, by my own episode of vertigo and marathon vomiting, I realize more than ever I am some sort of freak empath. Ironically my blood pressure has become a serious issue over the last while and just lately I’ve started monitoring it. Its high, but what is really weird is that I have a very slow resting pulse. Elite athletes have low resting pulse rates due to their excellent physical shape so its a good thing but very weird with high blood pressure. But what is so strange is that I am sedentary, a couch potato and far from being in shape so how do I maintain a such a slow pulse rate? I’ll have to ask the doctor that one, but I think its my empathy thing rearing its head again.

So the thing that still amazes me is Trinket’s strength, I’ve never met a stronger bunny, or stronger spirit for that matter, she truly is amazing. I am hoping with all my heart she will rise again like the phoenix, in all her glory and cuteness to run around in her little cart running us down so she can get a treat. She has manged to move around a bit since we’ve gotten home and I see go to her salad and put a peice in her mouth, so maybe….

Trinket Here…

Well my bunny friends, I want to let you all know that I am still not getting any better. Each day I am more and more tired and I am not even managing to nibble any pear even, and all my bunspace buddies will know how much I love pear ;-( 

I had subQ fluids the other day and usually it perks me up and gets me nibbling a bit, but not this time. I am going in to the vet again today for more fluids, but I think Mamma just wants to keep me as comfortable as possible. As many of my bunspace buddies will know, last year I had more than a few close calls with death and I somehow alway found the strength to fight back and remain with my Mamma. I have been fighting ongoing illness so long, it’s been a year since the first severe case of head tilt hit me and its be a scary teeter tooter since then. I have been very forturnate to have a few good months even though I still had a bladder infection, but I had lots of snuggles, lots of smooches, lots of adventures being snuck in to restaurants and going to movies, what more could a bunny want. I was so fortunate to have been found that fateful day in that pet store by such a loving and dedicated Mamma.

When I look back at all the odds I defied I know its miraculous, but how miracles can a little bunny have? I just want to say them again to remind myself how much I have defeatd. Months of bladder infecitons, kidney damange to the point the vet thought it would kill me, E. Cuniculi giving hind end weakness and then finally a year later partial paralasys, three episodes of head tilt with one of them being more than a month of recovery and two weeks living on my side cause the world kept spinning, 5 or 6 drug reactions that put me off my food for two weeks each time, with this now more than two weeks, pnuemonia and my teeth needing trimming. So much less has put alot good bunnies in the ground, but somehow I kept coming back from each of these trials…

Mamma did put me in my cart last night, hoping I would move around some and get some exercise, but mostly I just stood in the doorway to Gracie’s house and let her look at my cuteness. I know it irritates her so much, I can still take some pleasure in that. But when I’m in my house I just lay in one spot all day long and only move when Mamma comes to get me for snuggles and my CC feedings. I am still making lots of poo and Mamma attributes it to that fibreplex stuff, but I am peeing very little and have refused all food.

Last night I saw Mamma cutting up a pear, and for a moment I thought I’d really like some, I know my ears perked up and I saw Mamma’s face all light up, so much happiness I saw there, but when I put my mouth on the pear I remembered how horrible I feel and decided I didn’t even want that. The look on Mamma’s face almost broke my heart, I so much want her to be happy not to be so sad all the time. I can see she is holding back something, but I can feel it anyway, but I love her even more for just trying to be here with me brave and calm because it keeps me calm while I wait…

So what am I waiting for? I’m not sure, I hope still its for a miracle, but I’ve had so many already I guess its only fair to share some of those with some other bunnies. I am waiting for Daddy be home again so I can smooch his ears and hear him giggle like a little girl and I am waiting for this icky feeling to stop, to be able to run free and feel good and happy. Also I am waiting for those spring dandelions, I remember how tasty those first ones in spring are, I hope maybe I can taste them again. I am most grateful I don’t have to wait for love or for snuggles, I can’t believe I waited until I was 5 years old to snuggle and smooch my Mamma. My smoocher has gotten tired with me and I only manage a few smooches now when I lay on Mamma’s shoulder, but every once in a while I’ll perk up enough to smooch like crazy for a few minutes. I want Mamma to know all the smooches that I should have given her all those years, I think I owe her that and it makes me sad to think she’ll be short on those smooches if I stop now.

Its been a very sad week or so on Bunspace.com, we have lost a lot of really sweet bunnies and there are those too that are sicker than me, also waiting  ;-(  I hate to add to that saddness and worry, but I know Mamma needs to feel like our friends are somewhere with us in heart. Thank you to all you for so much unending love and support, its amazing such a thing can be found in this world and on the internet no less! I think that is the miracle us buns bring to the world. We can melt almost any heart.   Be well my friends xox T   (L)

Mamma here~

I have been clinging to what emotional control I have left over the last few days. I think I am nearing a breaking point in my emotional damn, I can feel an unending flood of anguish rising in my throat. No wonder my blood pressure keeps raising over the last few weeks. I see Trinket withdrawing into herself. She is moving very little, not eating willingly at all and I see her just waiting…

It is breaking my heart that I can’t find a solution to bring her out of this. At first I didn’t worry too much with several of these not eating episodes behind her,even though we could never find a concrete cause, I could always just support her through it until her system seemed to reset itself. I am terrified as we are now in what feels like shark infested waters,we are beyond the two weeks and I see a daily steady decline despite my measures to support her.

Since her animal communication last year, I believe (I know!!) she feels what is going on in my heart and mind, I believe she can “see” the images of my fear. I am in utter anguish trying to maintain faith and the image in my mind of her being well and happy racing around in circles in her cart with her sweet little face looking up at me begging in her adorable disabled way for that juicy piece of pear that she loves. This feeling of being of having no control is what is the most agonizing. I think the vet is dreading yet call I make, I could hear the sadness in Susan’s (the vet tech) voice when I called again today asking to bring her in. I know they are out of options, we are already doing everything that should be helping her. We have already gone into that grey area beyond the traditional with the herbs and acupuncture and I really believe its been those measures that have helped keep her with me and given her the quality of life she has enjoyed in between these episodes.

Trinket has been sheer joy to me and I have strived to see the world from her perspective and she has taught me so much about living in the moment and just being the best you can be in that moment. Her strength and love has been such an inspiration to me as I know many others as well, she truly is an exceptional little creature. I keep seeing her in my minds eye, that first night I put her in that wheel chair cart and joy and excitement on her face as took off like a flash instantly. There was not self pity, no anger toward the world for what she lost, just joy. If that is a lesser consciousness of being an animal than I wish I too was an animal. I think this little sweet bunny is better a person than many people I know, with more courage and self acceptance than many of could muster. I can only hope I could manage half as much if I were in a similar situation.

So here I am again struggling with my conscious. Some might think I have been cruel, playing God taking such measure keep pulling my sweet baby out of the jaws of death  so many times and to what purpose?  Is it to save myself the pain and anguish of her death? Has it been to appease my own guilt that I took so long in the beginning  help and treatment for her bladder infection? I remember being in this same  place before with my Sweet Angel Minnie, we fought hard to keep her too and it was my inability to see Trinket in her distress as we were fighting hard to maintain if not save our Minnie in her last months. If only I could go back, would today be different? I know its insane to ask such questions and its only purpose seems to be to feed my anguish, like I need more.

So I struggle to just do my best even if it comes short, but I’ll struggle to the end. But I have to ask myself, why is the more I love my furbabies the more health problems they have? This is my third chronically ill bun, all three have been my life while I fought to give them the best life they could have, each one forging my heart to what it is today. It’s so strange, Gracie and Puds as so aloof and I don’t have a bond with them at all and they are so healthy. I know the bond comes after they begin to get sick, but it feels like a curse at the same time, like a cycle I can’t break out of in my mind. Maybe if I didn’t love them as deeply I’d let them go sooner. I know nature would not have let them survive long at all. I am always shocked and dismayed to hear how easily bunnies die, I keep hearing of them going so easily with little fight, as they are so extremely delicate. That has not been my experience with any of my buns. Each one has been strangely strong and could go months if not years of health episodes that would finish many others. I don’t know why this is, it frightens me every time Trinket becomes so ill, because I know I still gifted with her one more day as many other loving and dedicated bunmoms are not.

Sorry this is so long, it helps to get these thoughts out of my head, I only hope if you have read this far you can forgive my indulgence.  xo Laura

Laura here~Well since I have been ignoring my old blog on aloradesigns.ca, I have been spending way too much time blogging for Trinket my dwarf bunny that used to be the official hostess for my store which I closed in Feb of 2008. Well not all was lost even though I was officially goofing off, I have become way more computer savy and have learned a few new tricks. For any of you that checked out my old blog, this is now a major upgrade!! My plan is to keep you updated on Trinket’s progress as well as my own, so consider this a joint blog for both of us. I know, crazy bunny lady, but right now she is such a huge part of my life and the whole art and jewelry thing is pretty much on hold until things start to pick up in the economy. So I’ll add a picture of Trinket for those of you that haven’t seen the poor wee bun in ages. She is partially paralyzed on the rear end now so she spends her evenings in  a wheelchair cart!! Spunky little thing isn’t going to let anything keep her down!!

It had been six months of hell with my pet bunny Trinket battling E.Cuniculi, two episodes of head tilt that took over a month to recover from, a reoccuring bladder infection that spread and caused serious kidney damange, four two week episodes of not eating and having to be syringe fed due to drug reactions, but then rebounding  between each episode all while undergoing acupunture treatment to help her regain her own mobility with escelating hind end weakness that would bring on temporary hind end paralysis. And with a few close brushes with death, I was sure I had little time left with my sweet little “heart bun”. During this time the bond between myself and this sweet, strong little bun had become so deep and I just wasn’t ready to let her go and feared eveyday that it might finally be the time I couldn’t save her.

Even through all this Trinket remained willful, communicative, expressive and ever more loving with every day. It would be nothing for her to stay snuggled in my arms for hours on end smooching my face and neck.

Over the recent months I had read a few book on the subject of animal communication and was thoroughly intrigued. So after a few weeks of deep thought I decided to go ahead with a reading for Trinket with an Animal Communicator Sheila Trecartin after friend of mine and Reiki Master recommended her. My main concerns were centered around when and if to euthanize Trinket and  if she understood what was happening to her and was ready to go. I suppose I feared hanging on too tightly to her would cause more harm.

Being very intuitive myself I already felt that I had connected with Trinket on a deeper level and understood her feelings and some of her thoughts, but I sought a second opinion that would be emotionally detached from the situation. Sheila came highly recommended after being able to locate my friend’s cat that had been missing for several weeks by using animal communication.

The reading was done by me sending her a photo via email to her along with Trinket’s name and my questions. My questions were mostly asking if Trinket understood her illness and if she had any information for the vet to help her. I also asked about when it would be her time to pass and how it would unfold. I did mention to Sheila that Trinket has been ill for several months and that she was having issues with a sensitivity to her medication. That was all the revealed in my email to her. Below is the reading I received back from her. I have copied word for word as Trinket relayed her thoughts to her. My comments are added in blue

Trinket Reading Aug. 18, 2008  The following is my direct communication with Trinket. Please keep in mind that this is her perception of how she views things.  

~Trinket says to tell you that she feels she is the luckiest rabbit in the entire world!  All I can say is I bawled when I read this.

~She says she simply could not possibly want for anything as she has it all/you provide all she needs.  

~She sends you love and gratitude.  Trinket is extremely affectionate, it a more unusal trait in rabbits, but it wasn’t always so. It was only since she became ill that her smooching and snuggling began.

~She says she has pressed on in life for you. She says if it was not for you she would have given up/packed it in a long time ago. She says you are her guiding light, her strength.  I wondered exactly this if I was prolonging her life but I feared if it was a mistake. My vet agreed with me that the love and will in T was still a sign she desired to live.

~She talks about irritation in the throat. She says sometimes the inside of her throat feels raw and that is when she does not want to eat.  I later realized when she was going off her food and I had to syringe feed her, I was mixing her Crital Care too thick and I wonder now it was to hard for her to swallow. She seems to like it better on the runny side and it goes down alot easier.

~She says she is an “only” bunny and prefers it that way. She feels she is superior to the intellect of most other rabbits. She then says she also has a bit of a fear of what other rabbits will do. She says she likes her people, thank you!  T was bitten the first day she came to us and since then she will seek out any bun no matter the size and attack. She is two pounds and will outfight a six pound fatty!! We already gave up years ago at ever bonding her to another rabbit.

 ~She says “3 ago” (I believe she means years?) she felt she had a close call/ a near death experience so to speak. She says she feels you saved her. She wants you to know that changed her level of love for you. She trusts you and believes you will do anything for her.  Yes she did, it was three months prior. After a month of head tilt and living on her side and being fed crital care off a spoon she took a downward spiral when she refused to eat and became extremely weak, I was convinced I would loose her, but we persuvered and she pulled through. I had refused to let her go and kept syring feeding every few hours just small amounts to keep her going.

~She says she does not feel her heart as very strong. She talks about pain that radiates from the center of her chest outward. She says she does not know what is wrong with her but realizes it is serious as she feels your worry.  She is recieving Holistic Vet care with Chinese herbs, acupunture and chirpractic along with her traditional treatment. Her holistic vet is treating her kidney and spleen, but it seems that at this time she had limited Chi moving through her system. Her life force was weak and this showed in her pulse even. Athough her heart is fine, her overall life force has been weak. I had been overwhelmed with worry about her life force giving out on her. After months of weekly treatments she is doing really well now as of Feb /09 she is fianlly stable although still has to be watched for bladder infecitons and now her calcium levels. In the fall after this reading she also came down with pnuemonia which nearly took her out.

~She says she is very curious and loves to know about what people are doing and why. She asks that you sometimes take time out to dictate to her on what is going on and why.  I’ve always beleived the buns were senstive to this. They need to know why we are going out and when we’ll be home. They like their routine so now I explain anything new to all of them.

 ~She says she would like cheese to eat. I m not sure if this is rally cheese but she shows a soft round like orange treat and she calls it cheese. LOL, this is a yorgurt treat that is a little drop. Years ago I used to give all the buns pink ones that were berry flavor. I went out and got more but she wouldn’t eat them until I got the orange Carrot flavored ones. One day I put out a pink one, a white one and orange one and I asked her ” show me the cheese!” She went for the orange one!! She loves cracker so we joke now she is having her crackers and cheese!

 ~She shows that sometimes she just sits and stares at the wall for long periods of time. She says she is just taking time out and trying to not feel any outside stimuli. Sort of a version of meditation for her. OMG, she totally does this, I had worried about it but now I do feel better about this

 ~She talks about seeing horses somewhere. She feels you would have a strong natural connection with them.  There are horses at several farms along our drive to work. I had a pony and my parents had horses when I was a kid, but i have no desire to have them now, other than I do fantasize about having a miniture pony.

~She says she likes purples and greens and soft yellow.  WE have focused on these colors for her with her bedding and clothes!! LOL yes we dress her us, she loves a cute Tshirt!!

~She asks for a stick shaped food with things attached to it. This reminds me of a treat you would give a pet bird.  I got her this but it did not interest her.

~She says she tries to communicate to you through physical gestures and movements. She shows stomping or tapping her foot, twitching up her fur, flicking her ears and other motions. She says she has developed this to communicate to you/with you better.  T is extremly physically communicative and is easily understood by her physical gestures, even our vet has remarked on how extrodianry this is!

~She shows a green plastic bowl (this could be a request).  She didn’t have one so I got her one, but she doesn’t eat out of it, I keep her hay in it, but she won’t eat her hay either.

~She asks for a white ball to play with. This looks like a golf ball to me.  WE go her one but she has showed not interest in this.

~She says there is something green she eats that makes her feel bad.  T has had issues with too much calcium in her urine which has been a big contibutor to her urinary infecitons. We are to limit hight calcium greens and veg, but I put this back in her diet once she did finally recover from months of urinary infecitons and sludge. As of March /09 I am having to again take these things out of her diet again- Kale, parsley, spinach are all way too high calcium along with alfalfa pellets we had been feeding attemptign to keep her weight up.

~She says her dies are tender to the touch and she asks that you are very careful in how you pick her up. She suggest you scoop her under the chest and back end.  T’s legs are deformed now as a result of her hind end weakness. One leg is fused out behind her and the other is splayed out beside her like a flipper, plus she was loosing muscle mass.

~Trinket feels her name has been changed from what it was. She says Trinket isn’t her full/actual name but she likes it. She actually says she would like to be called “T”.  

~She says she feels her body system is off. She says she gets a little woozy sometimes. She wonders what can stop the dizziness?  This fianlly hit home after this reading. With this in mind I had fianlly been able to reconize a dizzy spell which in E.Cuniculi bunnies is a precursor to seizures. She has responded well to an herbal treatment that she took for months.

~She says please don’t allow smoke near her.  I used to burn incense at my store where she was the offical hostess.

~She shows an older pick up truck and says to watch it as it isn’t safe. She says something is wrong with near the wheels or the bar that goes across and connects the wheels. I  think it is the back she is referring to.  My husbands truck is an old pick up truck totally in need of a major overhaul, like brakes, tires and suspension work. I won’t ride in it if I can help it.

~She shows a man with a beard that she really likes to be with /interact with she says to send him love.   My husband has a beard

~Trinket says you are very thorough with things  but you try to do everything at once. She says prioritize and make a list to help you. She laughs and says sometimes it’s funny to watch you move all over the place but she doesn’t feel it’s productive for you.  This so describes me, its beyond funny. I’ll often forget what I was doing because I started anohter project halfway through. I guess you could say I’m a multitasker that is out of control! LOL

~For some reason she feels you and Dave should go fishing.  We cannot figure this one out and haven’t yet followed this advice.

~She speaks of a younger dark haired girl. She says this girl is very sensitive and quite insecure. Trinket says fear stops this girl from doing a lot of things. She says to send this girl love and help her to see she is pretty and can do anything she wants /would like. Trinket says this girl needs your guidance. I have a couple of female freinds say they wondered if they were this girl, so??

 ~She feels you should work with animals in some way but she cautions you to remember to allow them to be who they need to be. By this she means….. you will feel like you need to rescue them but not all need to be or want to  be rescued. She says just doing what you need to and are supposed to is enough.  I have my Masters Level in Reiki and have decided to work mostly with animals, I am also taking a course in Animal Communication myself. I do have issues with staying emotionally detached. I seem to feel the need to save them all.

 ~She warns her dad “Dave about laying back and eating. she says this will cause health issues down the road and is harmful to his digestion. She suggest he sit up straight and pay attention to what is in his mouth as he chews. She says outside distractions are not good either. She also suggests magnetic therapy for his hands. This helps with pain and discomfort.  OMG, I nearly had a stroke when I read this. This is exactly what he does. He lays back staring at the TV and shovels mindlessly, it can be scary some days.

~She says she loves when you all lay in bed together. She enjoys big fluffy blankets and pretends they are hills and caves. She says this is entertaining. She had played on the bed as a little baby but since this reading we bring her up to bed to snuggle under the covers. She’ll rest with her head in our necks resting on the pillow.

 ~She talks about a black and white rabbit that she was fond of. She says she misses him.  Her big sister (house mate) Minnie was black and white and T was obcessed with her, but because Minnie bit T when she first came to live here, she will not bond with any rabbit.

~She wonders what we can do to stop/control her dizziness?  WE got her the herbal treatment!

~She shows a medal container that looks like an old mild can. She say she likes the reflections off of this.  WE have an antique milk can that sits on the floor, but really don’t know what this is about.

~She says it is not her time to go just yet. She feels she will perk up and have a god spurt for a bit. She says if she did have to leave she feels it would be okay. She says your love has been all she needed/wanted this time around. Trinket is still with us now in March of /09 after another two close calls with death, she just keeps recovering even when the vet thought it was doubtful. She truly is a miracle bunny. She uses a cart now and can still drag herself around with her front paws. She truly has been an inspriation and I still don’t know how I’ll ever be able to say good bye when that time comes.