Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

My Dearest Friend,

I’ve been sitting here fighting with my mind and with my heart trying to find a way to make peace with what is happening to you; but I cannot find a way. I found this song and it expresses some of my thoughts and speaks to my heart so I have started here.

I hope you will forgive me putting this letter on my website, it gets very little traffic and I wasn’t sure a letter could get to you in time as I can’t make it there to you until Christmas so as I can’t keep things concise like in a “text” this was the next best solution to my dilemma.

There are so many words I wish I could speak to you but I don’t know if I have the strength to say them and if we have the time to make it to you before you pass. I don’t know, is it cruel of me to ask you to hear the sadness in my words, to let the illusion of hope fall as I admit the worst is about to happen? I hope not, I only want you to know the extent of my love for you and the impact you have had on my new life since I started over here in Owen Sound over 20 years ago. People mostly don’t take the opportunity to say such things I hope its OK I that I try.
I’m sorry Garry that its come to this, I’m having trouble accepting the time is so near and having to imagine what it must be like for you. I know you had so much more living to do but then when I look back on it all you are one of the people in my life that has done the most. You held so many dreams and you did go after many of them; more than I can say for my own life. You did not let the doubt of others hold you back from trying, you didn’t let the “Long Shot” keep you from dreaming! I admire this you so much. You are in so many of my funniest and craziest memories before age and fear has suppressed my enthusiasm for adventure. Its enough for a life time, those images of you in my head, our stories will still be shared for years to come over a Timmy’s knowing somehow in spirit you will still be there with us.
Loss is not new to me, I’ve been here before but the feeling when I think of you overwhelms my sense of reality. You really helped me so much when my Dad was in hospital a few days before he passed. Its a painful time to remember but you were there when I needed you most. I feel it again, that dark presence of that in between place where I am waiting with you to cross to that unknowable place where my most loved ones have gone. And someday you’ll be one of the faces I expect to see when its my time, if that is how it works.
I don’t even know if you’ll ever read these words or if anyone there with you can read them to you, but I must make sense of them inside and give them life for I fear I’ll be stuck here even after you are gone; so please forgive my indulgence. Even if you never get to know these thoughts of mine, part of me believes that somehow when its time you will, like all things do indeed become one. Having these words out in cyberspace is a bridge I hope, between the physical world and everything beyond, that place where our loved ones go.

My best thoughts of you take me to that parking lot in Tim Horton’s a few days before your surgery when we all met you to say goodbye but deeply hoping it was only a good luck and we’d all be back in that parking lot welcoming you home again. With all of us fighting back our tears and grasping to hope we encircled you with our love and friendship and hoped the fondness of our memories we’d share that night would somehow cloak you in our protection and strength. There you were even with the evidence of the cancer’s invasion on your body, but your eyes still had that wonderful glint that shone out past the pain and the dread. And your mischievous smile is something I could never forget, still handsome and youthful, the years and this illness cannot take away the beauty that has always been you. I cannot think of a stronger person than you, not only in the physical endurance of all you have demanded of yourself in your life but to still hang on to hope and the eloquence in yourself during this battle.
I look around and I see the quality of life you lived, its not measured by possessions or by money or by the success in the typical wordily standards but by the love of those people that surrounded you that night and still now. And of course with the love of your family even through the toughest of times. We have many opportunities through life, some lead us to things, but yours lead to people and into the hearts of those families you have become a part of. I can’t say I know a life better lived.

I still remember when we met almost 22 years ago, little did I know that night that you would become my longest and dearest friend; more like a brother to me, the one I never had. I think back to all the difficult times in my life and YOU were there to lend support and helping with those things that needed fixing or building; you have always been a strong and protective feeling in my heart knowing you were a part of my life even when you were away. You have always been such a good friend, a better friend that I could ever be. I hope someday I can live that gift you have given me, the gift of unconditional friendship. I still cannot wrap my head around the years and their marks on our faces and in our lives, I still feel like that young girl of 21 sitting in that room that night, still full with a hope that life would take us down a different road, but alas we are here.

I’m not good at goodbyes, and I’m still not sure what I believe will happen when we take that last breath. I guess I can only hope there is still more, that our spirits do live on in all that we have touched. I want you to know this Garry, I love you, I always have and I will keep you in my heart for the rest of my journey. I promise to always keep a place for you over a good cup of coffee and even through tears I will continue to tell our stories.
I cannot speak for Dave, he holds his words inside and too often he cannot give them light, but I know in my heart you are his dearest friend and I know he loves you very much and will not be the same without you here.
Someday we hope to move out of our rented house to a place we can call our own and maybe even make it legal and get married, it just won’t be the same without our brother there to help us move… and to share in that joy of graduating to adult hood. I have to laugh when I think of that as it will surly be hell moving us and I know you’d be the first one to make sure you’d be there to help us out and share your happiness with us. You have to know we’ll still keep you a part of it.
Well as is my way, I’ve rambled on a whole lot, but then you and I have shared many deep truths over the years. You know me better than any other man on this planet that is not my spouse and that is a sign of true friendship. I am so grateful that friendship has been unblemished and unconditional. Thank you Garry; knowing you has made me a better person. These are not just sappy words said in tribute, but truly from my heart and with having learned from you and been inspired by your tenacity for life, I also have deep well of the most joyous and crazy memories and they make up all the fun times I choose to keep remembering.
Thank YOU for always being there to help with all the big stuff. A two by four will now hold a place of honor for me as I will not be able to look at one without thinking of all the fun we had building Alora Designs and how much you taught Dave and I about carpentry while you helped to make my dream come true so I could honor the passing of my parents. It was an expensive and laborious gesture of acceptance and forgiveness and I don’t think Dave and I could have done it on our own without your help. Having that store was the biggest leap in healing and forgiveness I’ve ever made in my life, it was a beginning to many changes in me and you were a huge part of it and words come up short to express how much that meant.
I cannot find a way to end this letter, I guess I because I don’t want to let go, I don’t want it to be good bye, I just wish so bad this wasn’t true and that you’ll be with us next Christmas and the one after that. Good bye my friend… xo Laura

I’ve been wallowing in sad songs but this one reminds me I’m never alone

Trinket’s passing in August has inspired me to embark on the most fabulous of adventures into Metal Clay crafting!

I have designed a sweet little pendant urn that contains the ashes of my sweet girl. The process begins with a substance called Cork Clay in which I form into the shape of the bunny, putting a small amount of cremated ashes into the belly area of the form. Silver Clay is them applied in layers until the desired thickness is achieved and then it is fired in a kiln for two hours. The binders in the silver clay then burns off leaving .999 percent silver (Fine Silver) and the cork clay is burned off leaving only a small amount of ash along with the cremation ash in the hollow bunny.The resulting piece of jewelry is then durable and beautiful. This design does not have any kind of opening so there is never worry of the ashes spilling out and becoming lost. They are a permanent part of the jewelry.

This is the pendant I made for myself with Trinket’s Ashes. I wear it on a long silver chain so that it hangs at my heart

Memorial Bunny Urn Pendant

Fine Silver Memorial Pet Urn Pendant

This Metal Clay stuff may seem easy at first glance, but I’ve come to learn it’s not. So many places to go wrong, but there is always a chance to improve on whatever results I end up with

Well I have to admit, I have been a very bad blogger. So sorry for not having posted here in so many months. Since Trinket passed away in August I have been a bit emotinally messy at times, but now that Christmas is over and her bithday which was New Years, I feel ready to muscle down and get some stuff done.

So the latest is my adventure into Metal Clay. When Trinket died I really felt compelled to have her close even if it was just her ashes. Years ago when I first learned about Metal Clay I wanted to make a wearable urn to put the ashes of two of my bunnies, Minnie and B in. Well life usually gets in the way of such plans and it never came to be. Finally over the holidays I took the plung and bought a small manual glass kiln and invested in a wack of starter tools and a couple hundred dollars worth of clay to get me started. A wonderful friend from Bunspace donated her left over clay supplies and some wonderful gems for me to experiement with. This was great because initially I thought I would just work with the Art Clay 650 slow dry but I found that PMC standard is fabulous because of its large amount of shrinkage. So now I’ve come to realize its best to have a variety of clay types to work with depending on the project.

So my first project was a pair of earrings made from the left of supplies my friend gave me. First I had to reconsistitute the dried up clay by chopping it very fine with a tissue blade and then I mixed water and “Paste Maker” (in my reading I understand Lavender Oil will do the same thing) to the dried shavings. I then mashed it up with a pallet knife until it formed into a clay. Not ever even having felt what the clay should feel like, I just kept adding moisture until it felt easy to form and maintain its moisture.

When it came time to deal with the issue of a bezel to hold a beautiful topaz I wanted to use, I realized it wouldn’t be safe to fire the gem in place, but had to add a fine silver bezel. My first attempt was pushing the bezel into the clay and then fire. Well I’ll never bother doing this again. When the clay shrunk it created a huge gouge along the inside of the bezel and huge lump in the centre that held up the stone so I couldn’t set it. So hubby and I had the brainiac idea to use a dremel to drill out the centre. What ended up happening was that the dremel kicked out and took big gouge out my bezel. It was a blessing!! I ripped out the bezel and used a file to smooth out all the mess and I used some slip to attack a new bezel to the already fired base. No shrinkage and it resulted in a nice neat seam. I will always do it this way from now one. Live and learn. So here is my very first attempt at working with Metal Clay

They may not be perfect. I think my finishing needs work, but I am pleased with this first attempt. Metal Clay crafting is not fast but I thrilled with the possibilities.

These Topaz earring were made wth PMC standard Metal Clay

I’ve started a huge project. I’ve decided that I will indeed write a book about (or should I say for)  Trinket. I’ve been busy working on those early years and have a really good start already. I also wanted to include her blogs that I have posted on bunspace.  I spent the better part of Sunday copying them and getting them all roughly drafted into my book format and OMG, I have over 340 pages already and I still have the whole after death section to do  and a whole chapter of her job as hostess at my Jewelry and Art Gallery in Owen Sound and then there is the health section. Yikes I think I’ll have to go through and really pare it back a bit so it all works without weighting 10 pounds when I’m done. I never realized I had that much in blogs, something like 100,000 words.

It will be nice to have something that I can hold in my hands and read through and she is all there, still alive in all her splendor. I do feel pretty overwhelmed by the task though. I’ve never taken on anything that extensive and my Aries attention span will not be much of an asset to me for this one.

A few weeks back two of T’s bunspace buddies, Jasper and Jethro threw an online memorial get together in honor of Trinket and I did announce there my intention to write the book after several private requests to do so. Anyway, one member mentioned Lulu.com. I have been checking it out and I think its the way to go for self publishing. With that figured out a lot of pressure is relieved already, at least I know I can get it into its book format and if anybody buys it, that is a whole other story. For now I will try to get through the task at hand.

I have to admit I have been putting off working on it. I have finally stopped all the crying and have managed to look at some of her videos and our favorite songs without falling to pieces.  I wasn’t sure not all that long ago that it would be even possible. The mental obsession with her is still really strong and I can’t go an hour without thinking of her and still longing to have her close to me. The emotional anguish has finally subsided and I don’t know if I’m ready to call it all up again to write again. I think a certain part of the feelings must be embraced, but at the same time to wallow in it will only bring a disproportionate emotional element to the book that may overwhelm the readers. It can’t have that kind of intensity for the whole thing, every one will need some Prozac after. Its all new to me so I don’t know yet how it will go. So far I feel kind of lost in it. Hopefully soon things will take more shape and a natural flow will emerge that feels right, somehow like she will guide me with what she want to share with the world.

I’m still playing with idea of bringing home another bunny. I’ve played with the idea of fostering and almost had an opportunity a month or so ago, but it all fell through. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. It still felt too soon to make those kinds of decisions. I’ve been looking through the online postings, hoping both to see   who needs me and praying not to find any either. I even dragged Dave into a local pet store on the weekend to just “look” at baby bunnies. OMG, the torture is killing me and overloading my brain too, but I can’t seem to stop myself. At least I could leave without a bunny, much to the relief of Gracie and Puds. I know they would be utterly crushed if I brought home another bunny. I keep telling myself its their time to shine and be comfortable in their space with the competition of another baby.

Well its official! I have made over “our” blog site. Tinkie’s has now transformed into Tinkie A.D. It seemed only right, the old format was fun and cute, so suiting  as the backdrop for Trinket’s words, but it somehow didn’t fit anymore. I knew it was time I put aside her voice and speak with my own. That also means getting serious again about my art and jewelry. Making some changes here was the first big step.

I love the scene above with the bridge and the river and the winding path, I don’t think it could be more perfect to visually represent where I am in life right now. I do feel like I live at the edge of this life, just beyond the next. Death has been such a strong influence in my life for several years now and I can’t seem to escape it. Its peaceful though, a lot like the scene above, its not frightening anymore, just another reality we’ll all realize sooner or later. I’ve learned to embrace that sacred transition as it is apart of life. I see death a birth and even the dying process I feel is not unlike labor and giving birth. Nature is a cycle that goes in a circle, it is unended so why not life as well. I have no certain proof, only my beleif and my faith that our souls continue.

So here is a little bit I’ve never shared before except to some close friends about how I settled on my business name alora designs. When my Mother was still alive she used to joke about her initials for her name, B.C. and it stood for before Christ. Ok, not really funny but my Mom thought it was. When she died I was left with the manifestation of her many addictions, jewelry and supplies was one of them. I took it up at first as a way to get an understanding of her and before I knew it, I found I was just as addicted. The difference being, my mother had trouble parting with her “stuff”, where as I feel the need to create and have those creations go to a home where they will be enjoyed and appreciated.

When I decided to take up jewelery making professionally and open a store I wanted a name that some how bridged us together and honored her gift to me. Mom tried her hand at selling for a few years and took the name ABC creations for herself. I am Laura, so I ended up with A Laura Designs, which became Alora Designs, and ironically also stood for A.D. which was inkeeping with my mother’s making of time.

So I come full circle to Tinkie’s. I named it that in the beginning because Trinket was my world, my voice and my primary focus, while all that I used to be was still somewhere on the back burner. Again after loss I am choosing rebirth, so I wanted to bring back my identity to this website and also honor her passing, hence Tinkie A.D. I wanted to keep her close still, as she was a manifestation of a part of my spirit in the form of a bunny; and I’ll always continue to feel her presence in my heart which is the source from which I create.  I don’t think I could totally give up cute Tinkie Couture stuff, its too deep now.

 *this is my blog from bunspace.com  

Well I’m still hanging in there. I still have some good days and not so good days. I had a big melt down a few nights ago. I attribute it to hormones, but I hit an all new level (low) Its just so hard to let go of the saddness. Each day it feels like Trinket is slipping further from me and the pain I have inside seems like the only tangible thing that I can hold onto that is still her. I know its not productive, but its what I got for right now. I had this strange thought of how a child must feel when they first find out there is no Santa Clause and how that changes their entire world and everything magical and wonderful that they beleive in, the world suddenly becomes grey and all hope is lost in one shattering realization. Each day without her I feel the world becoming more grey and the memory and feeling of that magical and spiritual light I shared with her becomes harder to hold onto.

So I was out in the garden on the weekend checking out the dandies that finally grew that I planted for Trinket in the spring and the parsley that has mirgrated all through the garden from previous years and I stopped at the bed where I planted all the orchard grass and the poppies that bloomed on the day she died and I was overcome with saddness again. That garden was orgianlly built for Minnie and B and  it was fenced in and lined with perennials and lots of exciting places for bunnies to run and dig. When I had my store and didn’t have time to keep it up, then B died and then Minnie died and the garden finally became lost in the sea of weeds, I couldn’t bring myself to embrace the garden again, until this spring when we decided it was time to clean it up. What joy and surprise we found in Trinket as she truly enjoyed the dirt, the sun and the time we all spent together getting it all ready again. Those will be some of my most favorite memories of her. I felt so sad thinking of Minnie and B and remembering how much they loved it in there as we tore down the remains of the fence and dug out the dying plants. The garden became something different and new, now its Trinket’s garden and I have that same sad feeling of being out there and seeing all the places she hung out, or where she climbed out over the raised bed and fell out of her diaper, just to take off over the lawn, scooting along in her weird shuffly kind of way. I look in all these places and still feel she should be there, but its empty.

So on the weekend I thought to myself that I needed to find the perfect bunny to represent her out in the garden, to kind of dedicate it to her and to have some symbol of her there. What else can I do, I still wish she will somehow come back to me. I know it will never happen, but that small part of my spirit where the innocence and child like part of myself still lives, will alway wish for that.

Well Monday morning the mail carrier comes to the door with a package and it was from Minxie’s Mom in the UK and look what was inside… How did she know? It couldn’t be more perfect. I put the bunny with the last of the poppies, they are almost done flowering. Somehow I feel a little bit better when I go out there now, its still sad for me, but not so overwhelming. Thank you so much Minxie, your Mommy is so intuitive to know the garden would be huge sorrow for me. I hadn’t even thought of it until just this weeked, life is so weird that way.  She also made a these two lovely pictures of Trinket which I’ve posted in her albun along with the bunny. Thank you so much for the angel!! xo Laura

Animal Communication

This is a communication I got for Trinket. I have just copied word for word.

 Trinket Sept. 12, 2009

 ~Trinket says she wants you to know that she loves you with all of every fiber of her being. She says she would not have left you if it were not necessary and hopes you will understand that she had to move forward on her journey..as hard as that was. She says she held on for two weeks longer then she should have and was hoping this extra time would help to console you and prepare you.

 ~She says she was very fearful before she passed and her heart was racing…everything was very overwhelming for her.

 ~She says she can’t imagine how she would live without you if she were still living and you had passed so she understands how you must feel now because she is gone.

 ~She says you are needed here (on earth) to take care of the others. She says their are many other rabbits and animals that require your assistance and love. She says you really should have a sanctuary for ill or hurt bunnies.

 ~She shows a mother bunny  with babies and says they need you. She feels this opportunity has or will come to you soon and she asks that you assist them to the best of your ability. She says no one else feels and knows and understands or cares how the rabbits feel like you do. She says you are like the rabbit guardian on earth! She hopes you see how important it is for you to continue to help as that is your destiny.

 ~She says she came to teach you and to learn from you but mainly to show you how amazing you are and how your determination and love can help another being so greatly. She says she stands in awe of your love.

 ~She says the name “Peter”. She says you must check with him and be aware of him to see how he is doing. He needs your attention.

 ~She says she loved the grass and the smell of the outdoors and she misses this greatly. She also shows something creamy and white or off white that she misses. This looks like food/drink.

 ~She says thank you for holding her so much and kissing and loving her. She says you always comforted her.

 ~She shows a pink lead or something long and pink. She says this you should keep in her honour and all the other things should be given to those who need it.

 ~She says sometimes at night she comes to lay on your chest..to visit you and let you know she is okay. She says she sends her sent to you and hopes you can smell her and will understand that she is there with you.

 ~She shows a young girl that holds sorrow in her heart but keeps it help in. She says you must work with this girl to help her to let go of her emotion…let it out or she will become ill. Trinket seems very worried over this. She says to send her love and tell this girl that she is beautiful and glorious and important.

 ~She shows a grey and white bunny that is around you or coming to  you. She says he (feels male or holds masculine energy) will test your boundaries and will but this is more learning for you. She says his teaching will help you in the future. You need to know this so that it will be easier for you to deal with.

 ~She talks about a barking dog and says rabbits really do not like that sound. It is very irritating. (funny…as I write this my dog is outside and has not stopped barking the whole time I have been talking with her!).

 ~She shows discomfort (burning) in her sinus and in her eyes. She says this was very uncomfortable for her.

~She shows a picture or a remembrance of you holding her to your chest and smiling brightly. She says that is her favorite memory of you. She says your smile is very warming.

 ~She says you mustn’t get lost in the sorrow..there is too much for you still to do. She says she would be disappointed if you gave up now as she worked hard to set the ground work in you/for you for what is to come. She says she has every faith in you that you will move forward in love and honour her memory by helping others. She says it would be nice to call your home “Trinkets Place -- A Home For Wayward (or weary) Souls”. She says you don’t have to but the idea makes her smile and feel important and also forever a part of what you do/will do.

She says, with that she leaves you for now, in love. She says you will meet again but she needs to rest now.

 Thank you,

Sheila

   animal communicator    www.sheilatrecartin.com  

Laura here~ I read this over and over and I there is only one thing that does not make sense now and that is the pink lead. There hasn’t ever been anything like that. I look through her things and the only pink i can think of would be her shirts, but it doesn’t seem like this is it.

After mourning over a month now, I feel releif hearing from her. At first I wanted her to come back to me so badly, but I’ve come to feel differently. I wouldn’t wnat her to come back and risk safety and heath to find me again, I just don’t want more suffering for her. And I’ve come to realize too that when she was well, before she ever got sick, she was a different little spirit, her illness forged a new personality and spirit for her. To have just a buny again I would always feel there is something lacking. Sadly the only way to know such an expression of bunny spirit is through the helping of a sick one. That terrifies me to even just say that, its such a double edged sword. The cost of time and money and heart ache when a bun gets as sick as she was is extraordinary and many things had ot be given up in our lives to care for three in a row like that, I just don’t know if I could do that again.  I know we can’t stay in this house forever, we really need to find someway our of here to something more permanent and stable. I hope that can come soon, but until then I really need to just keep on my mission of waiting and helping the 6 furkids I got now and then we’ll see. It was always my wish to have many rabbits, but with many its hard to really have that closeness too. I was lucky I got that opportunity with T. Its a lot to carry on with after her, but this place in my heart always will be “Trinket’s Place” maybe someday that dream can be real. xo Laura

This is a bit of video clip I found of Trinket when she was about three years old. I can hardly reconize her and I can’t really hold this image of her in my mind. She’ll always be in my mind as she was earlier this spring, even when her disability and her little body deforming, she was the most beautiful. ;-(

This is from my bunspace blog

Well its been a month today since Trinket passed, and what a journey that has been for me. I’ve never been much of a crier, as I usually experience more pain and crying leading up to the time to euthanize and then right after. I usually embrace the releif after that and find a way to carry on with only a feeling of saddness, but its manageable and tidy. Well Trinket was indeed special and this time around I worked so hard at not crying that much before because I wanted to be brave for her, so of course its been quite the blow after, messy at times even. I think the two and three week point was the worst for me, somehow every time I even spoke of her or read through comments I would cry and cry. Getting through the condolence messages was quite emotional for me and I can say I finally understand why some people choose the memorial profile, not that I would ever choose that for myself, I just understand it more now. I found I could only answer a handful of comments for a day or so then I’d need to take a break, the pain seemed to well up more and more with every note I had to type. But I realize I am not grieving for her alone, I felt I still needed to be present to share my tears with yours as well and to try and find my way so that maybe we all could find our way together.

My bond with her was so deep, I often felt the two of us made anohter being entirely. I always knew how she felt and a basic understanding of her thoughts and what she wanted, but I think it was that language of love that was so strong, its hard to find words to express what it is. I thought I had experienced pure unconditional love before and I have, its just this was something even beyond that. Maybe we all get to have that at some point in our life with animals, I’m not sure, part of me thinks it was something unique and extraordinary a special gift given to me by her. I always felt certain she was an old soul, a divine being in a little bunny body, it became more and more evident to me as her body withered and deformed as she became more and more frail her spirit became so glorious and big. She filled a world not just my heart. I still cry when I think of just how much she endured and she did it with perfect acceptance and love.

So the biggest challenge now is to redefine who I am. Like I said, the two of us made this entirely different being, so who am now that she is gone? I feel her abscence profoundly, inside my deeptest thoughts where we were together is now a hollowness and is filled only with my own internal babble. That kind of loniliness is hard to bear. I think my sanity is intact although some may question it, I know hubby does some days. I think I can only equate this whole experience with Trinket as some kind of spiritual event. I know I will never be the same the person I was before her or even who I became with her, the scars of losing her have changed me yet again.

So I struggle with the saddness. Its been a intimate part of me for over a year. I knew even last summer, Trinket and l were living inbetween worlds, inbetween fully living and crossing that meadow toward the bridge. My entire life became more of a memory and Trinket was my entire reality, somehow suspended beyond the normal mundane world. I shared that space with her in Joy and sadness, knowing she would not last as long as I wanted her to stay. It was bittersweet seeing her hang on to her life with me, when clearly her body was failing her, but she chose her life here with us every day, over and over. It was truly gut wrenching for me. Part of me wished so much for her to just go to sleep one night and slip a way while another part of me held on like it was life itself, but i guess it was. So how do I lay aside that grieving and return to normality? Some how it feels like letting go of that miracle is like hanging over a cliff and holding on to that love one for dear life and feeling them slip more and more, my pain and tears are that last little bit of her that is still tangible, therefore real. “sigh” but I cannot survive in that inbetween place without her, I have to learn to be happy again, no matter how strange it feels. I know she would want me to BE joy as she was. One of my last memories of her are holding her close while I cried and cried and her kissing away my tears. That was my girl.

Every night I’d go to sleep praying for some kind of message or sign of her, and there has been nothing. This has been unusual for me too, but then my grief has been more profound as well. I’ve always been blessed with some kind of visitation or lucid dream of my loved ones. Dreams where i am fully aware of thier spirit coming back to say good bye and to let me know they are OK. I did finally have a dream of her a few night ago, but not what I’d call a lucid dream or a visitation, but still a profound symbol of healing, hers and mine. In the dream Dave and I were living in this shabby little apartment and we were sitting around talking about Trinket. We were discussing how the vet wanted to do a necropsy and how I couldn’t bear for them to cut her open so we still had her body and couldn’t decide what to do. The next thing I knew I saw Trinket come shuffling into the living room. she had both her legs under her and she could shuffle along using both of them. I exclaimed to Dave that there she was and he saw her too. We both sat and watched as she became stronger and more able to use her legs. she never did hop fully normal and strong but better than we had seen in over a year. At one point in the dream I did hold her on my chest and I felt quite urgent to get some mash for her as she hadn’t eaten in a few weeks, being dead and all. What an odd dream, but I see it as a message form my deeper self that she does indeed live on and that in her spirit form she is healing. Maybe that is why I have not had that mystic visitation, mabye she is not ready yet, I think deep down I’m not yet either as those visitations are usually a final good bye.

So I’ve been trying to get back to doing “normal” things this past week and it has helped me immensly. I baked up a bunch of bunny cookies and played around with some packaging and labels, so now its offical, “Tinkie’s Tasties” are available on our web blog. I even began working on some jewley projects as well that got put on hold. I still have one painting on the easle from last fall that needs to be finished and a bunny necklace that needs a clasp, but I did get some photos of recent bunny earrings I made too for my etsy. com site. The biggest thing is I am now finally getting plans in order to start a major project I have been wanting to do a few years now. AS a jewellry artist, I have been limited to some wire work and beading, but I always wanted to be able to teach myself metal smithing. Huge undertaking, cost and chore, but I discovered this stuff called silver clay. Basically you mould it like clay, it dries then you fire it in a kiln and you are left with .999 silver! I have been wanting in the worst way to make a tiny sculpture of a bunny pair (my precious B and his mate Minnie) into a tiny urn so I could put their ashes in it and be able to wear it as a pendant. Now with T gone, I feel this need even greater, I want to be able to carry just a little part of her around with me, so I have already made a little demo in clay of a wee dwarf with her heels kicked out in a full binkie. I’ve never seen Trinket binkie, she never did in life, but its how I wish her to be now in spirit, so I will make her in silver like that. So I’ve been doing the research and I have a plan, I think I have the skill to pull it off and Dave has finally had two good weeks at work, so we’ll have a good check this week coming up so its been agreed to take the plunge even with all the other bills still unpaid, I need to “make” something that will outlast her and I both, something to carry the reminder of her spirit and her life with me. I found out I can do this without the investment of a kiln and I can still acheive good results with a torch or there is a kit available that hooks up to a propane tank that makes a kind of hood so you can fire in right in that. Its a begining. Its been a long time since I’ve done any of my creative stuff, I missed it so much when I closed my store but Trinket took all of my attention so I did not mind giving it up, but i guess this is the closest thing left of myself.

I want to thank everyone of you that have been so supportive during all the months and months of Trinket getting ready to pass and to those of you I have only met since. I don’t know if I could have gone through this with the strength I did without that support and love. All those bunnies that have made tribute to Trinket by taking her name into yours, my goodness you have truly touched a very deep place in my spirit and I will never forget it. Somehow it felt like a phenomenon of love and joy for a little life so well lived. I cannot find words to describe it. It really has given me hope that somehow a part of her spirit will live on in all those that came to love her. I can only hope we all can take some of her strength and learn to live life with joy no matter what life brings us. Thank YOU.

This is from my bunspace blog

Its such a sad day today. I am still in shock about loosing sweet Cosmo and I am  so worried for darling little Bella. Its very hard sometimes when our hearts are heavy already to witness our bunspace family going through such troubling times and there is nothing we can do to make it better. I’m not so good at being powerless, I only have words to help me cope.

 I’m still having good and bad days myself, although more bad than good still. Thursday was a whopper for some reason. It seemed like listening to the radio was a bad idea when I was driving, many songs on the radio would have a phrase that made me think of Trinket and get me crying again, and you know I had to look at her videos again too. I just can’t seem to stop myself, even though its hurting so much, I can’t stop looking for her even though its just an image of her. I never thought trying to let go would be so hard when I have already been through this so many times. Even loosing my parents wasn’t like this, I was hurt but able to let them go in my mind. Trinket, I cannot let her go.

I received another wonderful little gift in Trinket’s honor on Thursday. Rocky from Switzerland and his Mom Irina have been such a comfort to me during this time. They are very new to bunspace, but we had been following eachother’s videos on youtube for a while, I’m so glad she and her buns are here now. The interesting that came with her gift was a memory for me. She sent the beautiful little purple heart she made in honor of T and she made two little cell phone bags with the same little purple heart design. The yarn had this unusual and pleasant smell that was strongly familiar. It drove me wild for a while trying to figure it out until finally it hit me. Dave and I called it the “import” smell. When we had our store in Owen Sound we brought in a lot of new age items, books, inscense, candles, crystals and such. I loved having that store, but the best part was Trinket. She came with me every day and she loved it. She had full run and would go where ever she wanted. Every morning we’d arrive and I’d have to use the Lou right off so I’d let her out of her carrier and she’d go running along the length of the store to be waiting for me at the front dest, all dancing and excitied for her morning salad. She used to sit up on her hind legs and beg, but she’d do this thing with her mouth it was so adorable, like she was making the motions of eating, trying to get the idea across to me she needed something in her adorable little yap. LOL, she would do this behind my back sometimes, burning the pyschic message into my brain until I would turn around and see her. I’d ask her what she wanted then she’d do that little mouthing thing, OMG she was just so brilliant and so adorable. So much has happened since then I had almost forgotten her like that. I wish i had photos of her then, but I only have one.

It had been a whole other life since she gotten so sick and we have been here on bunspace, I almost forgot what she was like before. This little gift gave me back those memories. So I finally posted some pics of the store and one I found of her sitting by her heater the winter we closed. I miss those days so much. She was famous even then, we’d have people come to just see her. Friends would tell freinds to stop in and see the adorable store bunny. She’s go right up to people browsing and sit at their feet looking up at them, I just know was wondering why they hadn’t noticed her yet. Then they’d look down and usually be so delighted by her. She’d always let them pat her and she’d even allow herself to be picked up. Thankfully people were polite and would ask me first, if they were bunny experienced I would allow it and so would she. She just loved to meet people. There are more pics of the little gems Rocky’s Mom sent. She made this exquisite beaded egg for Trinket, it so intricate and beautiful, one of kind just like her. She also included a lovely candle holder which I have put into the shrine I made for Trinket. I have taken her hutch and gathered all her gifts and all her things in there. I couldn’t bear to have Dave take it down and leave a huge empty place in our living room. I made it all up pretty and I bought a plant to put in there and candles too. At night I light the candles and it feels so much better as now there is life and light in it. I know its been a long time since she lived in there, but it was still her space.

So yesterday we finally brought her home. Randy’s urn arrived yesterday and Dr Dave himself loaded Trinket’s ashes into it for me. It was difficult going there to get her, but I am happy to have her where she belongs. I have her set on the little step in her hutch along with her other precious things. The urn is so tiny, a little heart I could hold in the palm of my hand. Its so strange to think such a glorious creature is reduced to that little bit of ash. I adore this little urn, it couldn’t be more perfect for her. Even the color makes me think of the night sky and the stars , the heart itself is what is truly left of her, the symbol of love we all have for her. Its so tiny and fragile looking but strong and unbreakable, just like her spirit. I have more photos to get up on her profile later this afternoon. I have to run to town again to drop Dave off to get his truck from the shop.

We had wonderful adventure with Gracie and Puds yesterday and I know Gracie will be getting to posting a blog this afternoon along with their pics. We’ve all decided we will make to Bunfest on Sunday too and I’ve decided to bring to Trinket, she wanted to so bad to make it there, I know its weird and kind of morbid, but it will be our last adventure, one we both looked to for so long, some how it seems only fitting that she make there even if its only her heart. xo Laura

This is from my bunspace blog

I can’t beleive what I am about to write here, I am still in utter shock. Cosmo, Trinket’s most darling friend who is more like a cousin has joined her at the bridge. I just got a call from his Mom Paula, who is so dear to me. I just can’t beleive it but I know its true. Cosmo passed away just within a few hours ago this morning. Paula found him when she woke up, he was still warm so it had not been that long. He was so full of excitment and joy at the prospect of last night’s salad and he enjoyed snuggles and smooches with her before bed. There were no signs of lethargy or anything amiss. He even had blood work and exrays done up about a month ago and his vet felt everything look really good despite a bladder infection was being treated. Paula is utterly devestated. Cosmo was a partial paralyzed bun who a lot like Trinket, was the absolute light of her life, her soul bunny. She has cared for him with such love and devotions and to have him gone from her so suddenly without the chance to say goodbye can only be heart shattering. Please, even though there is not a rainbow above his name yet, she is too shocked and numb to even begin to be able to come here and do that yet. Please let her know she is not alone. I only wish I could somehow be there to help her. This year she already lost Gertie after her amputation surgery and then she lost Honey her heart Kitty not too long ago and now Cosmo

Somehow I can only think that Trinket and Cosmo are now truly together, watching over us both as we greive for them. I just can’t beleive this, its just too sad to contemplate.

Here is Cosmo’s profile http://bunspace.com/view_bunny?bunid=4167  How will the world be the same? I miss you so much already sweet Cosmo. xo Laura