Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

My Dearest Friend,

I’ve been sitting here fighting with my mind and with my heart trying to find a way to make peace with what is happening to you; but I cannot find a way. I found this song and it expresses some of my thoughts and speaks to my heart so I have started here.

I hope you will forgive me putting this letter on my website, it gets very little traffic and I wasn’t sure a letter could get to you in time as I can’t make it there to you until Christmas so as I can’t keep things concise like in a “text” this was the next best solution to my dilemma.

There are so many words I wish I could speak to you but I don’t know if I have the strength to say them and if we have the time to make it to you before you pass. I don’t know, is it cruel of me to ask you to hear the sadness in my words, to let the illusion of hope fall as I admit the worst is about to happen? I hope not, I only want you to know the extent of my love for you and the impact you have had on my new life since I started over here in Owen Sound over 20 years ago. People mostly don’t take the opportunity to say such things I hope its OK I that I try.
I’m sorry Garry that its come to this, I’m having trouble accepting the time is so near and having to imagine what it must be like for you. I know you had so much more living to do but then when I look back on it all you are one of the people in my life that has done the most. You held so many dreams and you did go after many of them; more than I can say for my own life. You did not let the doubt of others hold you back from trying, you didn’t let the “Long Shot” keep you from dreaming! I admire this you so much. You are in so many of my funniest and craziest memories before age and fear has suppressed my enthusiasm for adventure. Its enough for a life time, those images of you in my head, our stories will still be shared for years to come over a Timmy’s knowing somehow in spirit you will still be there with us.
Loss is not new to me, I’ve been here before but the feeling when I think of you overwhelms my sense of reality. You really helped me so much when my Dad was in hospital a few days before he passed. Its a painful time to remember but you were there when I needed you most. I feel it again, that dark presence of that in between place where I am waiting with you to cross to that unknowable place where my most loved ones have gone. And someday you’ll be one of the faces I expect to see when its my time, if that is how it works.
I don’t even know if you’ll ever read these words or if anyone there with you can read them to you, but I must make sense of them inside and give them life for I fear I’ll be stuck here even after you are gone; so please forgive my indulgence. Even if you never get to know these thoughts of mine, part of me believes that somehow when its time you will, like all things do indeed become one. Having these words out in cyberspace is a bridge I hope, between the physical world and everything beyond, that place where our loved ones go.

My best thoughts of you take me to that parking lot in Tim Horton’s a few days before your surgery when we all met you to say goodbye but deeply hoping it was only a good luck and we’d all be back in that parking lot welcoming you home again. With all of us fighting back our tears and grasping to hope we encircled you with our love and friendship and hoped the fondness of our memories we’d share that night would somehow cloak you in our protection and strength. There you were even with the evidence of the cancer’s invasion on your body, but your eyes still had that wonderful glint that shone out past the pain and the dread. And your mischievous smile is something I could never forget, still handsome and youthful, the years and this illness cannot take away the beauty that has always been you. I cannot think of a stronger person than you, not only in the physical endurance of all you have demanded of yourself in your life but to still hang on to hope and the eloquence in yourself during this battle.
I look around and I see the quality of life you lived, its not measured by possessions or by money or by the success in the typical wordily standards but by the love of those people that surrounded you that night and still now. And of course with the love of your family even through the toughest of times. We have many opportunities through life, some lead us to things, but yours lead to people and into the hearts of those families you have become a part of. I can’t say I know a life better lived.

I still remember when we met almost 22 years ago, little did I know that night that you would become my longest and dearest friend; more like a brother to me, the one I never had. I think back to all the difficult times in my life and YOU were there to lend support and helping with those things that needed fixing or building; you have always been a strong and protective feeling in my heart knowing you were a part of my life even when you were away. You have always been such a good friend, a better friend that I could ever be. I hope someday I can live that gift you have given me, the gift of unconditional friendship. I still cannot wrap my head around the years and their marks on our faces and in our lives, I still feel like that young girl of 21 sitting in that room that night, still full with a hope that life would take us down a different road, but alas we are here.

I’m not good at goodbyes, and I’m still not sure what I believe will happen when we take that last breath. I guess I can only hope there is still more, that our spirits do live on in all that we have touched. I want you to know this Garry, I love you, I always have and I will keep you in my heart for the rest of my journey. I promise to always keep a place for you over a good cup of coffee and even through tears I will continue to tell our stories.
I cannot speak for Dave, he holds his words inside and too often he cannot give them light, but I know in my heart you are his dearest friend and I know he loves you very much and will not be the same without you here.
Someday we hope to move out of our rented house to a place we can call our own and maybe even make it legal and get married, it just won’t be the same without our brother there to help us move… and to share in that joy of graduating to adult hood. I have to laugh when I think of that as it will surly be hell moving us and I know you’d be the first one to make sure you’d be there to help us out and share your happiness with us. You have to know we’ll still keep you a part of it.
Well as is my way, I’ve rambled on a whole lot, but then you and I have shared many deep truths over the years. You know me better than any other man on this planet that is not my spouse and that is a sign of true friendship. I am so grateful that friendship has been unblemished and unconditional. Thank you Garry; knowing you has made me a better person. These are not just sappy words said in tribute, but truly from my heart and with having learned from you and been inspired by your tenacity for life, I also have deep well of the most joyous and crazy memories and they make up all the fun times I choose to keep remembering.
Thank YOU for always being there to help with all the big stuff. A two by four will now hold a place of honor for me as I will not be able to look at one without thinking of all the fun we had building Alora Designs and how much you taught Dave and I about carpentry while you helped to make my dream come true so I could honor the passing of my parents. It was an expensive and laborious gesture of acceptance and forgiveness and I don’t think Dave and I could have done it on our own without your help. Having that store was the biggest leap in healing and forgiveness I’ve ever made in my life, it was a beginning to many changes in me and you were a huge part of it and words come up short to express how much that meant.
I cannot find a way to end this letter, I guess I because I don’t want to let go, I don’t want it to be good bye, I just wish so bad this wasn’t true and that you’ll be with us next Christmas and the one after that. Good bye my friend… xo Laura

I’ve been wallowing in sad songs but this one reminds me I’m never alone