Laura’s Blog~ a month without Trinket
This is from my bunspace blog
Well its been a month today since Trinket passed, and what a journey that has been for me. I’ve never been much of a crier, as I usually experience more pain and crying leading up to the time to euthanize and then right after. I usually embrace the releif after that and find a way to carry on with only a feeling of saddness, but its manageable and tidy. Well Trinket was indeed special and this time around I worked so hard at not crying that much before because I wanted to be brave for her, so of course its been quite the blow after, messy at times even. I think the two and three week point was the worst for me, somehow every time I even spoke of her or read through comments I would cry and cry. Getting through the condolence messages was quite emotional for me and I can say I finally understand why some people choose the memorial profile, not that I would ever choose that for myself, I just understand it more now. I found I could only answer a handful of comments for a day or so then I’d need to take a break, the pain seemed to well up more and more with every note I had to type. But I realize I am not grieving for her alone, I felt I still needed to be present to share my tears with yours as well and to try and find my way so that maybe we all could find our way together.
My bond with her was so deep, I often felt the two of us made anohter being entirely. I always knew how she felt and a basic understanding of her thoughts and what she wanted, but I think it was that language of love that was so strong, its hard to find words to express what it is. I thought I had experienced pure unconditional love before and I have, its just this was something even beyond that. Maybe we all get to have that at some point in our life with animals, I’m not sure, part of me thinks it was something unique and extraordinary a special gift given to me by her. I always felt certain she was an old soul, a divine being in a little bunny body, it became more and more evident to me as her body withered and deformed as she became more and more frail her spirit became so glorious and big. She filled a world not just my heart. I still cry when I think of just how much she endured and she did it with perfect acceptance and love.
So the biggest challenge now is to redefine who I am. Like I said, the two of us made this entirely different being, so who am now that she is gone? I feel her abscence profoundly, inside my deeptest thoughts where we were together is now a hollowness and is filled only with my own internal babble. That kind of loniliness is hard to bear. I think my sanity is intact although some may question it, I know hubby does some days. I think I can only equate this whole experience with Trinket as some kind of spiritual event. I know I will never be the same the person I was before her or even who I became with her, the scars of losing her have changed me yet again.
So I struggle with the saddness. Its been a intimate part of me for over a year. I knew even last summer, Trinket and l were living inbetween worlds, inbetween fully living and crossing that meadow toward the bridge. My entire life became more of a memory and Trinket was my entire reality, somehow suspended beyond the normal mundane world. I shared that space with her in Joy and sadness, knowing she would not last as long as I wanted her to stay. It was bittersweet seeing her hang on to her life with me, when clearly her body was failing her, but she chose her life here with us every day, over and over. It was truly gut wrenching for me. Part of me wished so much for her to just go to sleep one night and slip a way while another part of me held on like it was life itself, but i guess it was. So how do I lay aside that grieving and return to normality? Some how it feels like letting go of that miracle is like hanging over a cliff and holding on to that love one for dear life and feeling them slip more and more, my pain and tears are that last little bit of her that is still tangible, therefore real. “sigh” but I cannot survive in that inbetween place without her, I have to learn to be happy again, no matter how strange it feels. I know she would want me to BE joy as she was. One of my last memories of her are holding her close while I cried and cried and her kissing away my tears. That was my girl.
Every night I’d go to sleep praying for some kind of message or sign of her, and there has been nothing. This has been unusual for me too, but then my grief has been more profound as well. I’ve always been blessed with some kind of visitation or lucid dream of my loved ones. Dreams where i am fully aware of thier spirit coming back to say good bye and to let me know they are OK. I did finally have a dream of her a few night ago, but not what I’d call a lucid dream or a visitation, but still a profound symbol of healing, hers and mine. In the dream Dave and I were living in this shabby little apartment and we were sitting around talking about Trinket. We were discussing how the vet wanted to do a necropsy and how I couldn’t bear for them to cut her open so we still had her body and couldn’t decide what to do. The next thing I knew I saw Trinket come shuffling into the living room. she had both her legs under her and she could shuffle along using both of them. I exclaimed to Dave that there she was and he saw her too. We both sat and watched as she became stronger and more able to use her legs. she never did hop fully normal and strong but better than we had seen in over a year. At one point in the dream I did hold her on my chest and I felt quite urgent to get some mash for her as she hadn’t eaten in a few weeks, being dead and all. What an odd dream, but I see it as a message form my deeper self that she does indeed live on and that in her spirit form she is healing. Maybe that is why I have not had that mystic visitation, mabye she is not ready yet, I think deep down I’m not yet either as those visitations are usually a final good bye.
So I’ve been trying to get back to doing “normal” things this past week and it has helped me immensly. I baked up a bunch of bunny cookies and played around with some packaging and labels, so now its offical, “Tinkie’s Tasties” are available on our web blog. I even began working on some jewley projects as well that got put on hold. I still have one painting on the easle from last fall that needs to be finished and a bunny necklace that needs a clasp, but I did get some photos of recent bunny earrings I made too for my etsy. com site. The biggest thing is I am now finally getting plans in order to start a major project I have been wanting to do a few years now. AS a jewellry artist, I have been limited to some wire work and beading, but I always wanted to be able to teach myself metal smithing. Huge undertaking, cost and chore, but I discovered this stuff called silver clay. Basically you mould it like clay, it dries then you fire it in a kiln and you are left with .999 silver! I have been wanting in the worst way to make a tiny sculpture of a bunny pair (my precious B and his mate Minnie) into a tiny urn so I could put their ashes in it and be able to wear it as a pendant. Now with T gone, I feel this need even greater, I want to be able to carry just a little part of her around with me, so I have already made a little demo in clay of a wee dwarf with her heels kicked out in a full binkie. I’ve never seen Trinket binkie, she never did in life, but its how I wish her to be now in spirit, so I will make her in silver like that. So I’ve been doing the research and I have a plan, I think I have the skill to pull it off and Dave has finally had two good weeks at work, so we’ll have a good check this week coming up so its been agreed to take the plunge even with all the other bills still unpaid, I need to “make” something that will outlast her and I both, something to carry the reminder of her spirit and her life with me. I found out I can do this without the investment of a kiln and I can still acheive good results with a torch or there is a kit available that hooks up to a propane tank that makes a kind of hood so you can fire in right in that. Its a begining. Its been a long time since I’ve done any of my creative stuff, I missed it so much when I closed my store but Trinket took all of my attention so I did not mind giving it up, but i guess this is the closest thing left of myself.
I want to thank everyone of you that have been so supportive during all the months and months of Trinket getting ready to pass and to those of you I have only met since. I don’t know if I could have gone through this with the strength I did without that support and love. All those bunnies that have made tribute to Trinket by taking her name into yours, my goodness you have truly touched a very deep place in my spirit and I will never forget it. Somehow it felt like a phenomenon of love and joy for a little life so well lived. I cannot find words to describe it. It really has given me hope that somehow a part of her spirit will live on in all those that came to love her. I can only hope we all can take some of her strength and learn to live life with joy no matter what life brings us. Thank YOU.
Tags: grieving, mourning a pet
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