Laura’s blog~ Learning to live without her
This is from my bunspace blog
Trinket’s Mamma here~ I hardly know where to begin again, I have been so overwhelmed with my emotions the last few days, but Bunspace has been such an enormous comfort to me and to Dave to see just how much love and compassion my sweet baby evokes from all of you. Even though reading through comments would often result in the break down of tears, I need to cry them out and when I read these beautiful and heartfelt messages, I feel like I am not crying alone. Thank you seems so inadequate, but there are the only words I can think of to say that I am grateful from the depts of my being for being so embraced by this wonderful community.
I though I was ready to let her go and even though she is gone, I am struggling with all my might to release my NEED to hold her, to kiss her and smell her sweet breath. Gracie and Puds, although I love them both dearly in the way one might love a Tazmanian Devil or an electric eel, I can take no comfort in holding them and kissing them. They have each other and they tolerate me to a point, but my soul craves, like the worst drug, that feeling of Trinket melting into me when I hold her. Each day as she declined further and further to the point of being a rag doll, I did not comprend the impact it would make on me physically, to physically ache without her so much, like I am missing an arm or some vital part of my own self. All I can see is all those way in which she is missing, but the worst is when I close my eyes. I try desperately to see her face and feel her when I take that time to go inward, and I cannot, I feel so utterly alone in those moments.
The first days was just brutal, both Dave and I breaking down over nothing, but at least taking that time to embrace the pain for the joy of having loved her so deeply. She was everything to us and every aspect of the day and everything we did evolved around HER. Even the simplist of task required planning and consideration of her, like going to the store. She was with me always, only apart for me for a total of a few hours of the last months. She was a rabbit in fur only and for such a long time I always thought of her as my companion, a true friend and partner. I know it seems bizzare, but I am sincere in that statement, for me that bond was real and deep. It was one sould being loving another. She was never like something that I possessed or owned, but was always a people who happened to look quite different and didn’t speak my language, but we learned to understand eachohter and of course love eachother.
That first night going to bed seemed impossible. Dave was exhausted so he fell asleep quickly but snored restlessly and each time I closed my eyes I fought to capture a glimps of her or a sense of her near me and I felt desperate to be without her, so empty. I can only equate it to like the Dementor’s Kiss in Harry Potter, I feel like I could never be cheerful again. Not like being happy would betray her, just that any happiness I had in me went with her when she died. For hours I laid there with the interanl dialouge rambling on in my mind, talking to her, telling her how much I loved her and how awestruck I was by her impact in my life. I beleive she can still know my thoughts, but it is I that is alone and disconnected now that the veil of life and death seperates us. Why do I beleive that? I don’t know really, its just something I have always held in my heart so until I know otherwise I will continue to talk to her when I feel weight of the lonliness smothering me.
Finally I got up and went to bunspace, even though I feel unable to yet correspond and speak with her voice as I once did, I read and reread all the beautiful words that you have written for her and for me. Finally i had my big break down cry and sobbed like I have never before, letting each tear be a tribute to my devoiton and love for her. I still hold my anguish in my throat and wrestle to keep it there even now as I type this. After the last tear, I went out to sit on the deck. It has been storming here the last few days. Since she died, its been raining and thundering and then short periods of calm again. I can’t help but think its like Mother Earth crying along with me for she is gone from this physical realm. The rain so much the tears we all shed. So in the wee hours of the night I went out in hopes to find a star, but it was foggy and so overcast not even the moon could be seen. So i sat in utter darnkness on rain sodden rocking chair and just laid back to look up into the sky. Even in that darkness I soon could see the world going on around me, so full of life and activity. The bats swooping through the night sky capturing the bugs and I soon could hear the loons out on the lake. At first it seemed like silence, but it was the human world that was silenced so now the nautral world became awake and alive. I could hear the coyotees off in the distance yelping and crying while the trees over head would shudder in the breeze and rain down upon me. Again I felt like nature was sharing my grief, crying along with me. Some how sitting there in the dark shut off from the roar of humanity, I hoped I could hear a whipser of her in my mind, but I could not. In the past when I have lost loved ones, it was always those first days that the shocking realization of the disconnection was so apparent. In these days I wouldn’t be able conjure the images or visions of them, I’d be truly alone and without them. But once my anguish diminished it would be then I’d always receive a special dream or fleeting vison or sign of them to say that they were OK and then reconnection of the love. So I’ve come to beleive that hanging on to the pain is what keeps me disconnected from her, but for now I need to honor her and our love through the experience of that pain. I hope I will not linger here long or over indulge this need to internalize this pain to the deepest part of myself, but I have always believed that pain is the equal intesnity of the love, I guess I think of it as joy but with barbs.
Finally I was able to go to sleep at 4 am, thankfully last night was easier so I guess the exhaustion is finally taking over enough to force me to what I need to do, sleep. Gracie and Puds are somewhat at odds with the different energy in the house. That first night they were literally spooked at every little thing. When we came home from the vet we had showed them her shirt and her empty carrier, but i didn’t think they’d Need to see her body, but now I wonder if they are having trouble understanding her being gone. I do think the energy of our grief must be frightning for them to expereince and I hope as things calm down here and evolve into a new routine that they can once again relax and maybe then we’ll see how this changes them now that Gracie is the alpha. I keep telling them now that T is gone, it is their JOB to take care of the humans and that means some smooches! They both shake their heads in a mortified gesture, “NOOOOO” we’ll see as I am determined.
No other bunny could ever fill my heart the way Trinket does ( I still cannot say did) I know it would have been Trinket’s intention to pass the torch so to speak to Gracie and although they were rivals I think T always admired Gracies and will find her worthy of being the holder of the wisdom and the storyteller for our family. Trinket always intented that Tinkie Couture go on without her and I will although right now it pains me to even concieve of it. I will not blog as Trinket again unless if by some special message she gives me words to share with you. I think she may always have a few words for special friends when words of love and comfort are needed, but for right now I do not feel her words in me, I am isolated from her in my grief. She always amazed by her capacity to love. Anyone who held her and showed her respect, love and care, she would love back 100 fold, giving them kisses and all of her trust, even before she was really sick she was like that. I don’t think that is like a regular bunny at all, she truly is a special soul.
I am going to be taking a bit of a break from bunspace, I don’t know how long, I need to heal myself and being here is bitter sweet, its loving and amazing but at the same time its so hard becasue SHE IS still here in all of you. Your tribute to her by taking on her name in yours and her photos for your profiles has touched me like nothing else will ever again. You honor me and you honor her beyond anything I could ever declare as anything other than pure love, just like she was in life~ Thank YOU. Some dear sweet friend has honored us with another month of VIB and I am so grateful for you, Thank YOU! I knew the day would come soon when the membership would run out and all her photos and comments would disappear and it would be so much like her fading from me, the thought was quite painful, but for now every bit of money has to go to paying down the huge vet bill. Sady I couldn’t stay away even a day, Mato the old dog has to be seen today as she has developed a respitory infeciton and is coughing. It never ends so it seems
I will be taking the time to come around and respond to each of you that have reached out with such kindness, please be patient with me, its going to take a while. I will be taking a systamatic approach to this with answering messages, nomie gifts, profile comments and then blog comments. Each and every word everyone of you have written has immense power and has brought comfort, please don’t ever think other wise. I hadn’t felt able to reply just yet, but I’m hoping soon I can begin to. I’ll still be lurking around somewhat but I need to withdraw from commenting as T had for so long on her friend’s blogs. I am sure I will struggle to feel Gracie’s unique voice. I’ve always thought of her as the wise old girl, who has come through homlessness and the trials of loosing all her children other than Puds. She is no stranger to fear and pain, but now has contentment and I hope soon that she will accept devotion and love as T did. I think it will take a while to find the words that I know are inside her.
As usual I can’t keep a blog short even though its not my intention to the be the run on queen. Thank you so much for helping me through this, its been harder than I thought. I hoped the relief would settle in my heart by now, but still a bit beyond my grasp just yet. I have found that if I hold this stuffie bun that has one of those heatable jell packs for a tummy, on my chest and shoulder where T would lay for hours, it comforts me on a physical level. It has the right amount of floppiness like her and the weight is sadly close too. No beating heart or sweet kisses, but for now I am clinging to this substitute. I feel like a little girl dragging this toy around with me, but for now its all I have while I learn to be in a world without her. I hope the rain will stop soon so I too can look to the sky and in contemplation of her rebirth and maybe catch of glimps of her in all her wonder. Carole thank you for that gift, that idea of her as a star to shine on forever, too far to behold her body, but still basking in her glorious light.
Much love, xo Laura
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