Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

I surrendered this life for the next at 12:59 pm EST today at the vet office with the help of Dr Melissa, with Mamma and Daddy holding me. I’m sorry I am no longer in this world enough to speak through Mamma so she will have tell you my last thoughts and how my last adventure unfolded. Good bye my earth friends and hello my Rainbow Bridge friends, I am now ready to be among you. Much love forever and ever and as long as there is light there shall be love, xox T

Mamma here~ This is the hardest entry I’ve ever had to write, I imagined briefly before when things go really scary, but this not how I thought it would be.  Somehow I am calm, yet not truly rooted in my body. I know she is gone but I look around and she is still in every inch of space and as she has been in every second of thought I have had for months and months, she is still there, but I cannot hold her.

This morning I woke up late (although I did get up earlier to give her meds, I pre fill the syringes and bring them to bed so I can still give them to her even with my eyes half closed, then I roll over and try to top up my sleep), I’ve been so tired, just exhausted and I feel like no matter how much sleep I cannot become replenished. Trinket was calm just sitting beside me in the bed. She had not eaten any of the green I brought with her to bed and when I leaned over to kiss her good morning she did not kiss me back. She appeared very weak, and she has been growing weaker daily for some time. I brought her downstairs to her couch and when I changed her diaper there was not poop and very little pee. Well I knew there would be a day when digestion would come into play so I did not panic even though I knew it wasn’t good. I first called Dave as he was on his way home but not expected until later. I let him know about her and that I would need to take her in to get some Metoclopramide to help get things going. I then called the vet but they wanted to get back to me if she would need to be seen or just fill a prescription for me.

We began our normal morning routine, I got all her kit ready for her morning feeding and organizing her meds. I got her mash ready and had her herbal cocktail all ready and began to syringe her a bit of it along with some water. Suddenly Trinket began another Cardiac Episode and was struggling for breath and she clawed the air in front of her. She cried out again just like the when she screamed at the vet’s when she had the pneumonia, but she was so weak… I held her to my chest holding her tight thinking it must be her time and I comforted her as much as I could, telling her I was here with her and she’d be OK she could let go. Her breathing became labored and every once in a while I could crackling in her breath and she began to make gulping gestures as she fought for breath.  I called the vet back to let them know she was in crisis and I was bringing her in now. I called Dave to let him know I was rushing her in and if he couldn’t make it on time I might have to help her pass. He was still quite a bit away, but it would be close.

After about 10 minutes in the truck she had another episode, she was scared and I fought with myself should I just pull over and hold her until she pass or keep driving. I put my foot into it and I held her chest in my other hand and poured as much Reiki into her heart as I could hoping she’d hold on just a little longer, I tried to fill her with peace and steadiness. It was hard at time I just wanted to scream, but I wouldn’t let my mind hold the horrible images of her last moments until later and I kept driving. I tried to watch to see if she was going pale if she was getting enough oxygen, but I could feel the pounding of her heart in my hand and I knew she was still with me holding on with all she was. I’d look and sure I would be headed for the other sided of the road, thankfully its on the back roads and I prayed for not cops and no wildlife wandering in the road. Every mile agonizing for both me and her, she’d become calm for a while and then struggle to breathe again, but then rest again. I could feel her pounding heard irregular and vibrating through my hand, shooting pain up into my arm. Finally we made it into Owen Sound and sure enough Traffic is gridlock. It seems every other street was impassable due to construction, there would only be one route, though the thick of traffic. So there I was holding her heart in my hand and making our way to the vet.

When we arrived there was a pickup truck in the parking lot with several people all surrounding this big beautiful dog, clearly in major crisis, they were there to euthanize it right there in the truck. All the people were crying and hugging this poor dog. My two usual vets were not on, it was Dr Melissa, whom has not been my favorite as we had not developed a rapport and I found her to be a tad text book, being a young vet I found she lacked a certain gracefulness when I had to euthanize Koda the dog last fall. But any time I was in with Trinket, Dr Dave would call her in to take notice of certain conditions occurring; I suppose teaching her along the way. I felt her to be competent but I felt lost without Dave or Deb as they had years of personal experience with her. By this time Trinket was calm again so I had her wrapped in her purple blanket and I held her close on my chest whispering to her while we waiting for Dr Melissa to help the poor dog along. Five or ten minutes tops we were shown into a room and a few minutes later Dave walked in the door. I don’t know how he did it but he made it, thank you God!! WE each took turns holding her and then Dr Melissa came in to examine her and hear the morning events. She first listened to her lungs and the rattling was so bad she couldn’t make out the heart sounds to even know if things in that area were alright or not. She had pneumonia and it was getting drastically worse as the minutes went by. Dr Melissa presented some options for treatment, but every second longer that I tried to fight for her was imprisoning her in a body that was nothing but pain and anguish, it was time. I looked at Dave and said are you ready and he nodded with eyes filled with tears. I told Dr Melissa how every time we euthanized a bunny it was so traumatic for us and for them and that was why I was fighting so hard for a natural death of my sweet girl, but I knew we could no longer continue. I asked her if we could over sedate her so that she would be far under that they could proceed with the euthanasia drugs without her being conscious, she said we could but too much sedation would make the veins contract and they wouldn’t be able to push in the final drugs. So then I asked her if we could just give her a massive overdose of narcotic to make her go to sleep and stop her heart as she was already so weak. Dr Melissa said that was an option. She left us with her a short time so Dave and I could hold her and say good bye, each second she struggled to breath more and more, so weak yet battling so hard to cling to life.

When she came back she had a syringe of Ketamine and Diazapam , way more than would be normal for her and then she injected the euthanasia drug directly into the stomach cavity instead of into a vein. She gave her three times what would be a normal dose. This was a method she found on line, the stomach would absorb the drugs and do their work quickly, but more could be given if needed. This method would most peaceful she would just go to sleep like the times we did her teeth. Dave and both took turns holding her and she slowed down, not suffering finally but going to sleep while Dave was holding her she took her final breath.  She was  wondrous life extinguished from the physical realm, but now free and immersed in all things. I told her as I held her of how it was OK to let go, how the pain would be gone and she’d wake up so energized and that she’d see all her house mates, especially B and Minnie and how they were waiting for her along with her closest Rainbow buddies. I told her she’d be received in love and not to nip either Minnie or B but to smooch them for me. Lastly I told her I’d be with her always as she had a piece of me with her and I had a piece of her with me. I asked her to someday come back to me and I know she will as she was a Buddhist it was her belief to return and even greater light. I don’t know now how I will know, but I have faith she will return to me.

I had wanted her to go in her Recycle shirt, but it was in the wash and not yet dry when I had to rush her to the vet and Dave didn’t want to part with her Cuter than your kid shirt so she was sent naked into the next life, but with Dougie at her side and wrapped in her Purple Blanket from Aunti Paula. Purple was her favorite color, the color of royalty and The Purple Heart is  given to the wounded in war who have fought bravely, My best guess is that it symbolizes the power of the wounded person to survive and that she did with such grace and love.

Thank you my sweet girl for showing me the reverence of life, the glory of love and connection to all things. I still can’t believe you are gone, how will I go on now in a world without you? I see you in all things that surround me. I have walked with you in life to the edge of the meadow and now I leave in the arms of the angels.

 I want to share this video with you. Many of you will probably already know it, but I’ve thought of her and I whenever I listen to it and its been some time since I’ve been able. Although my favorite is the origanlly done by Death Cab for Cutie, this particular artist does a beautiful cover

After the vet Dave and I went down to the park to stroll around and talk about how we were feeling and to share our favorite memories. Then we went into the restaurant we always ate at with Trinket and sat in our favorite corner. Dave pulled out the chair beside him as he always would for her and he left his parsley there in honor of her. We then had to go to the grocery store. We wandered around the isles and some how even though I had a list I was still lost and forgetting everything I needed and we’d have to double back. But life has to go on, Trinket would want it that way. And I will even though I’m numb and empty inside. The drive home was the hardest for me, the seat next to me empty, that place where she should be. But coming home was the worst and each of took a few moments to look around and cry, letting the saddness seep in a little further. I quicky rounded up all her meds off the coffee table and her uneaten breakfast. then I packed away her toys and blankets on her spot on the couch which I shared with her. The silence is deafening, I hope some how I will remember the sound of her little voice the feel of her sweet kisses on my lips and her wet nose on mine, but mostly I hope I can remember the feeling of her heart beating next to mine, both us meeting halfway in a consciouness sacred and brilliant.

Dave just told me when we were doing our errands and walking around he had a feeling or sense of a little black bunny hopping along behind us, following us for a while until she finally faded away. If my heart could break anymore it would, but I think that would be just like T, “hey were are you going I’m still here!!!” But I know she will be emersed in the light as I let her go over and over again with every breath left in me, I guess we are still struggling. I have lit some candles for her and I keep in my thoughts in that light, complete, happy and free from all the confines of her little body.

Thank you so much for being witness to my miracle girl, for sharing our heart break and our joys. Its been through all of you we have both discovered the sacredness of our bond and I am eteranlly grateful. I know there will be many tears with mine tonight and I thank you for helping me carry this pain. Trinket has been so proud to be seen and understood and to be known for the true spirit that dwelled within a little fur suit. Even right to her final moment she was teaching us,s showing us a different way if only we ask. I am so grateful I had to strength to be her voice and help her live her story.

Namaste, xo Laura

Tags: loosing a pet, memorial, trinket the dwarf bunny, when bunnies die

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 8th, 2009 at 10:28 pm and is filed under Trinket's Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.