Tinkie A.D.

A bridge between the hands and the heart…

Trinket Here…

Well my bunny friends, I want to let you all know that I am still not getting any better. Each day I am more and more tired and I am not even managing to nibble any pear even, and all my bunspace buddies will know how much I love pear ;-( 

I had subQ fluids the other day and usually it perks me up and gets me nibbling a bit, but not this time. I am going in to the vet again today for more fluids, but I think Mamma just wants to keep me as comfortable as possible. As many of my bunspace buddies will know, last year I had more than a few close calls with death and I somehow alway found the strength to fight back and remain with my Mamma. I have been fighting ongoing illness so long, it’s been a year since the first severe case of head tilt hit me and its be a scary teeter tooter since then. I have been very forturnate to have a few good months even though I still had a bladder infection, but I had lots of snuggles, lots of smooches, lots of adventures being snuck in to restaurants and going to movies, what more could a bunny want. I was so fortunate to have been found that fateful day in that pet store by such a loving and dedicated Mamma.

When I look back at all the odds I defied I know its miraculous, but how miracles can a little bunny have? I just want to say them again to remind myself how much I have defeatd. Months of bladder infecitons, kidney damange to the point the vet thought it would kill me, E. Cuniculi giving hind end weakness and then finally a year later partial paralasys, three episodes of head tilt with one of them being more than a month of recovery and two weeks living on my side cause the world kept spinning, 5 or 6 drug reactions that put me off my food for two weeks each time, with this now more than two weeks, pnuemonia and my teeth needing trimming. So much less has put alot good bunnies in the ground, but somehow I kept coming back from each of these trials…

Mamma did put me in my cart last night, hoping I would move around some and get some exercise, but mostly I just stood in the doorway to Gracie’s house and let her look at my cuteness. I know it irritates her so much, I can still take some pleasure in that. But when I’m in my house I just lay in one spot all day long and only move when Mamma comes to get me for snuggles and my CC feedings. I am still making lots of poo and Mamma attributes it to that fibreplex stuff, but I am peeing very little and have refused all food.

Last night I saw Mamma cutting up a pear, and for a moment I thought I’d really like some, I know my ears perked up and I saw Mamma’s face all light up, so much happiness I saw there, but when I put my mouth on the pear I remembered how horrible I feel and decided I didn’t even want that. The look on Mamma’s face almost broke my heart, I so much want her to be happy not to be so sad all the time. I can see she is holding back something, but I can feel it anyway, but I love her even more for just trying to be here with me brave and calm because it keeps me calm while I wait…

So what am I waiting for? I’m not sure, I hope still its for a miracle, but I’ve had so many already I guess its only fair to share some of those with some other bunnies. I am waiting for Daddy be home again so I can smooch his ears and hear him giggle like a little girl and I am waiting for this icky feeling to stop, to be able to run free and feel good and happy. Also I am waiting for those spring dandelions, I remember how tasty those first ones in spring are, I hope maybe I can taste them again. I am most grateful I don’t have to wait for love or for snuggles, I can’t believe I waited until I was 5 years old to snuggle and smooch my Mamma. My smoocher has gotten tired with me and I only manage a few smooches now when I lay on Mamma’s shoulder, but every once in a while I’ll perk up enough to smooch like crazy for a few minutes. I want Mamma to know all the smooches that I should have given her all those years, I think I owe her that and it makes me sad to think she’ll be short on those smooches if I stop now.

Its been a very sad week or so on Bunspace.com, we have lost a lot of really sweet bunnies and there are those too that are sicker than me, also waiting  ;-(  I hate to add to that saddness and worry, but I know Mamma needs to feel like our friends are somewhere with us in heart. Thank you to all you for so much unending love and support, its amazing such a thing can be found in this world and on the internet no less! I think that is the miracle us buns bring to the world. We can melt almost any heart.   Be well my friends xox T   (L)

Mamma here~

I have been clinging to what emotional control I have left over the last few days. I think I am nearing a breaking point in my emotional damn, I can feel an unending flood of anguish rising in my throat. No wonder my blood pressure keeps raising over the last few weeks. I see Trinket withdrawing into herself. She is moving very little, not eating willingly at all and I see her just waiting…

It is breaking my heart that I can’t find a solution to bring her out of this. At first I didn’t worry too much with several of these not eating episodes behind her,even though we could never find a concrete cause, I could always just support her through it until her system seemed to reset itself. I am terrified as we are now in what feels like shark infested waters,we are beyond the two weeks and I see a daily steady decline despite my measures to support her.

Since her animal communication last year, I believe (I know!!) she feels what is going on in my heart and mind, I believe she can “see” the images of my fear. I am in utter anguish trying to maintain faith and the image in my mind of her being well and happy racing around in circles in her cart with her sweet little face looking up at me begging in her adorable disabled way for that juicy piece of pear that she loves. This feeling of being of having no control is what is the most agonizing. I think the vet is dreading yet call I make, I could hear the sadness in Susan’s (the vet tech) voice when I called again today asking to bring her in. I know they are out of options, we are already doing everything that should be helping her. We have already gone into that grey area beyond the traditional with the herbs and acupuncture and I really believe its been those measures that have helped keep her with me and given her the quality of life she has enjoyed in between these episodes.

Trinket has been sheer joy to me and I have strived to see the world from her perspective and she has taught me so much about living in the moment and just being the best you can be in that moment. Her strength and love has been such an inspiration to me as I know many others as well, she truly is an exceptional little creature. I keep seeing her in my minds eye, that first night I put her in that wheel chair cart and joy and excitement on her face as took off like a flash instantly. There was not self pity, no anger toward the world for what she lost, just joy. If that is a lesser consciousness of being an animal than I wish I too was an animal. I think this little sweet bunny is better a person than many people I know, with more courage and self acceptance than many of could muster. I can only hope I could manage half as much if I were in a similar situation.

So here I am again struggling with my conscious. Some might think I have been cruel, playing God taking such measure keep pulling my sweet baby out of the jaws of death  so many times and to what purpose?  Is it to save myself the pain and anguish of her death? Has it been to appease my own guilt that I took so long in the beginning  help and treatment for her bladder infection? I remember being in this same  place before with my Sweet Angel Minnie, we fought hard to keep her too and it was my inability to see Trinket in her distress as we were fighting hard to maintain if not save our Minnie in her last months. If only I could go back, would today be different? I know its insane to ask such questions and its only purpose seems to be to feed my anguish, like I need more.

So I struggle to just do my best even if it comes short, but I’ll struggle to the end. But I have to ask myself, why is the more I love my furbabies the more health problems they have? This is my third chronically ill bun, all three have been my life while I fought to give them the best life they could have, each one forging my heart to what it is today. It’s so strange, Gracie and Puds as so aloof and I don’t have a bond with them at all and they are so healthy. I know the bond comes after they begin to get sick, but it feels like a curse at the same time, like a cycle I can’t break out of in my mind. Maybe if I didn’t love them as deeply I’d let them go sooner. I know nature would not have let them survive long at all. I am always shocked and dismayed to hear how easily bunnies die, I keep hearing of them going so easily with little fight, as they are so extremely delicate. That has not been my experience with any of my buns. Each one has been strangely strong and could go months if not years of health episodes that would finish many others. I don’t know why this is, it frightens me every time Trinket becomes so ill, because I know I still gifted with her one more day as many other loving and dedicated bunmoms are not.

Sorry this is so long, it helps to get these thoughts out of my head, I only hope if you have read this far you can forgive my indulgence.  xo Laura

Tags: bunny not eating, rabbit illness

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 12:26 pm and is filed under Laura's Blog, Trinket's Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.